Saturday, July 12
So v. annoyed. Can't download anything because I have reached limit, or at least 20% before limit. Found out sister is coming back early. *screams* This is v. bad. So v. bad. I was hoping she wouldn't come back till never and now her bloody visa has run out, she's trudging home. Probably ran out of money as well. *whiney voice* Mummmy...daddy...can I pwease borrow some money, mummy?' URGH! Okay, calm. You'll do it eventually. But i have a conscience damn it, I don't want to. And if mum's right, and she has broken up, then thank goodness coz I do not want to see her stupid boyfriend anymore. 'What movie are you watching?" Me inside, "Look at the TV god-dammit. Its' not hard.'
I was sitting on my bed yesterday night (insomniac) and just thinking. T has faded from my memory and when I try to remember its like trying to look throuh an amber shotglass (after of course I've drained its resilient alcoholic contains) and trying to see the moon. You know its there, big, bright and still beautiful, glaring back at you but its so clouded by over by so many other objects and memories that you start to loose focus...and then slip unconcious to the floor. Haha. Sometimes I make myself laugh. I digress. The fact is, I don't like him as much as I used too which is quite surprisingly scary because I remember when I used to be fascinated with him, those somber chocolate eyes, the lithe limbs, the smiles and curious looks. It seems to distant and childish I squirm as I remember. It was so silly! *laughs* It is so silly now! It used to be life back then. That and work. Now its something else, as if I cannot focus on work alone. That there's something else waiting for me out there. A destiny somewhat. *laughs at cliche* I can't even bring myself to care for friends or family. I just want to have done with everything now, move on past my school, childish years into the future. My twenties await me with little prejudice. And I can't wait to dine on booze and drugs, to simper before university lectures, to endure the pleasures and pains of love. I want it all. Especially the money part. Material objects interest me so much its almost like a drug. That and dreams. I don't need drugs. I live off my dreams. I need them as much as I need food and air. It sickening.
Too long a post as per usual. Shall cut off now. Ta.
M.M.W.
