Sunday, August 31
Ha. (Krabapple) Talk like a pirate day, is on the 19th of Sept. Inspired by POTC.
Finding Nemo was good, just not ...that good. I mean it was Pixar awesome, everything was beautiful and attention to detail was amazing, it was just lacking in something, I guess the usual energy and witt Pixar films have. Maybe they were too caught up on the tech side of it, that the story lost plot.
I've studied all day today. And I think I've watched (or at least was on the telly while I mused over hours and hours of Chem practice) TTT, again (2 hr 40 min), Cinderella (Disney), Black Adder (one tape, three episodes) and finally this really crap movie on tellivision called 'Murder she purred: A Miss Murphy mystery'. That was a load of crap, and it starred Ricki Lake *sighs*. What was expected?
Oh, life at the moment is teetering on boring. I mean, I have loads of work but I need something else. Something spicy and gossipy, something that's happening to me that I worry about, that I think about all the time that doesn't border on the not real.
Watching more crap tonight and doing homework. Lots of homework. English, Spanish and Psych. Urgh. Urgh. Think I won't end up doing English, could If I wanted but I won't. I just won't.
Formal was yesterday night. Didn't go. Not a big surprise. I just didn't want to go. And I have this sinking feeling I won't go next year despite everyone's urgings to go. I just can't. I mean, *sigh* Look at me! I'm all for going out, having fun but please, formal. Everyone's so judgemental, who's your partner, what are you wearing? What ends up happening? I've had this before and I guess (psych speaking) its just been one bad thing after another and all this reinforcing has lead to this aversion or phobia of dances,formals, parties in which school is somewhat mixed in.
And plus, I have nothing to wear. *frets* I dread tommorow, its all going to be about formal gossip. Save me.
~ M.M.W ~
Saturday, August 30
I don't even remember the last time I posted. Oh dear.
Okay, let see what's been happening?
Hrmm, had school. Another most perfect day. Or had that all ready happened? Sue was in a bit of an off mood but, I don't know whether she's angry at me. I was sort of on tenterhooks when Carman and Cathy were laughing at her. Its just that sometimes its so easy for them to push her off the edge into a depression that I feel so bad. And even then I feel a little malicious spite. I don't know, lately I've just been pushing it away (my anger) and hate. I wish she would cheer up even over the little things.
What else is new?
Got the LOTR: TTT DVD. Yay? I want the extended version. Oh, I'll wait till Chrissie. *sigh* It looks sooo good. TTT was of course great. They're really pushing the Sam/Frodo slash. I swear they're just asking for it. Have watched that this entire morning. And now, am going to see another movie 'Finding Nemo' which should prove to be awesome, seeing as it is Pixar and Disney and have yet to fail us with their touching wit.
Something is seriously wrong with my internet. I have no idea what but this error message keeps coming up. Maybe I'll run scandisk or something. Same with my own comp. At least its stopped me from playing a variety of games.
Is that such a good thing?
OOOH! One last note before I run away to hide, my friend (S.T.B) met my other friend, Mary. Not Mary, fuckwittage Mary. But anime Mary whom I adore and have not talked to for yonks. OMG! Am so totally blown over.
STB: (extract) She asks me if I know someone and I tell her before she begins there is like 2000 girls at the school but then she asks me 'Do you know M?" ANd well..
Haha, couldn't stop laughing. OMG! Need to talk to her despertely. Where are you Mary? She's probably with STB right now. *sigh* What a small bloody world.
~ M.M.W ~
Wednesday, August 27
Am worrying over English creative writing piece, well I think its creative writing. I'm not really sure. Am tossing around ideas in head. Shall formulate to paper (or at least to computer screen) when they come. Mauvais genre. Lovely phrasing.
1) Heirachy - cynical view of shattered view of girls' world on the monarchy and society in Year 11 culture.
2) Forward Time telling sort of thing...
3) Oh I give up...
I've just read Jo's and feel inspiration and deflation. I am sooo going to look fucky next to this. Urgh. Shall go start...and do Chem...and do Psych...and well, seeing as the time is so late, not do Maths. And not start History essay. Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Night. Sorry Mary, can't stay. Would love to stay and chat but must go! Have not talked to your for ages. Scr*tum!
~ M.M.W. ~
Tuesday, August 26
It seems when some parts of my life are doing well, the other ones flop ecstatically. For example, today everything was fine. With the parental units, with my non-IB friends but then with my IB friends...well, that's another story that I don't want to get into. Its not that I hate them, but they can be so damn annoying. Why can't I have a good day where I'm sure of where I stand? Where I understand everyone's motives? Its so frustrating sometimes.
Lunch was a nice reliever, I just felt like pumelling the bookshelf. I wasn't angry at them but thank god, I laughed it out. It was going to come out some way or another. I don't think I'll forget Carman saying,
'Oh yeah, Cathy will get us grog and other things'
And Sue replying,
'Other things?' And then all of us collasping into giggles. Seems unfunny to you but hilarious to me?
I just needed something like that. Where we're all together. I mean I didn't even get frustrated with Cathy. I was seemingly relaxed, hating too many other things to give a jib what Cathy wanted or said, however she seemed perfectly fine with everything too. Surprised at that Olympiads thing, Cathy 'bit my head' off about it at the start of the year and now she's doing it?
What the hell? A girl can change her mind bu Cathy's not one to vacillate in her opinions. Hmmm...paranoid city again.
Off to fix website.
~ M.M.W ~
Hmm...sometimes I don't feel like me. That everything is not real. That this isn't me. When I look in the mirror, that's not really who I am. Scared ya yet? I don't know, it just doesn't feel like me. In matrix terms, this isn't my residual self-image that I see. No, I don't see myself as a beautiful, blonde hair, porcelain skin cherry tart. No I just see me, and that doesn't add up to the person I am. Still am not making any sense.
Blog is not working at all. Have to fix URL coz something went wrong a couple nights ago. Bloody, stupid booger...I mean, blogger.
Have loads of hw, to do. Well maybe I'll just procrastinate...for a bit longer.
~ M.m.W. ~
Monday, August 25
Ame's, shut up!
She won't stop saying 'scr*tum! Its bloody annoying. Jen found out that I haven't seen POTC (well neither has Mary or MV) because Australia is slow...and she's been dropping all these little hints like O.B. dropping his trousers during some 'wet' bit. I blocked her for ten minutes...until I could stand it no more and asked for any more tidbits. (Jen's lying!)
Saw Matrix Revolutions trailer. Mmm...interesting *grasps chin*. Smithie I reckon begins to turn more human and begins to fight for the other side. Just watch. V. interesting. That's my prediliction, Smithie turns good. I betcha a billion buckaroonies he does.
Petrie (newest fuckwit, Mary's fuckwitty friend) told me she doesn't think so. She thinks that Neo sacrifices himself, since he's the only one that can truly die now seeing as Morpheus nearly died, and Trinity nearly died. But now its' neo's turn and Neo doesn't have 'Neo' to save the day.
Dirty little Em thinks that everyone goes home to a big orgy. Urgh. Why must everything turn so dirty? *ducks from 'hypocrite' screams* I know, my children. i know.
Nothing new since last time I wrote really? No wait. There is.
After seeing Anna's and Sue's site, I realised something absolutely, posatutely dreadful. *Am still in chipper mood tho* I have nothing that I am good at. The things I thought I was good at, I'm not. Sue is good at math and pretty much everything, Anna is good at art and writing, Cathy is good at math and science and finds joy in doing them, Carman is good at everything, doesn't take her much effort. And what about me? What gives me passion? The potato in O.B. trousers? The cuteness of a puppy? Lord, i really wish I was passionate or at least good at something. Even if I didn't like it. I mean I have no idea about what I really want to do. I fear that I'll end up doing med, and then feel stupid eight years later because I've worn out, have no feeling, only a sad bleak aftermath. Even if it was art, something dead-endy, I want it. I want the passion, I want the interest. Something, i want something vital and stable *poor expression*. Just something.
Its sad I realise such revelations through other people's sucesses. Ruthlessness I agree is not a bad trait, to those...that it doesn't affect.
Finished Fashionista! *another source of my reflections* Off to school tommorow.
~ M.M.W. ~
Nearly finishsed Fashionista. Took me about three hours (on and off). Its pretty good although the romance was a bit obvious between Vig and Alex. I'm off sick today because well, I'm v. sick, I had a blinding headache all night and mum was sick too (probably my fault as well). So, off school. Oh goodie. And nobody made a fuss about it.
I've wasted it though, when I should have been catching up on homework, I was sleeping, eating or just staring up at the ceiling. I'm turning into Sara. *screams* Even right now, I'm procrastinating by writing this and not going back to do math or work out chem prac. And the Matrix Revolutions trailer is NOT WORKING! *throws prac across room* Bloody hell *hacking cough*, today is not a good day. Urgo.
All the clocks are wrong in the house, mine is fifteen minutes fast, this one is 25 minutes fast and I'm not even sure the one in the kitchen is right. Jeez. I seem to be late for everything lately. Hmm...
Hey! they're showing LOTR and TTT extended ones at the theatre in order to promote ROTK. V. smart. Can't wait. *squeals indecently*
OH YES! Sequel to Pirates of the Carribean! *dances* Oh yea! Oh yea! Oh yea!!! Go sequelitas! Yay and O.B will be coming back. Wooh! Okay, slightly worried here. He spent his entire interview raving about Johnny Depp (eww) and spent only one line on Keira Knightley. Problem? Did the same with Troy. Umm...shouldn't tell the others Carman might be right.
*wails...quietly*
~ M.M.W. ~
Sunday, August 24
i was naive, your love was like candy
artificially sweet, i was deceived by the wrapping
got caught in your web, and i learned how to bleed
was prey in your bed
and devoured completely.
Found this on another blog. Its v. deceptive, that.
~~~
As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name
Into the sky
And I will wake up happy
- Sophie B Hawkins, As I lay me down to sleep
~~~~
Three weeks to go of school and nobody is looking forward to it. It just means that exams have once again crept up on us. And I'm really, really not looking forward to it. It doesn't feel as if seven/six weeks have passed all ready. They've just flown right by. *sigh*
~ M.M.W ~
Listening to while writing this:
1) Paul Okenfold - Starry Eyed Surrpise
2) Cranberries - Zombies
3) Bill Wither - Ain't No Sunshine (only two minutes! And Cato took like four minutes! *purses*)
4) Brook McClymont - I don't think, I know
Went shopping today in Northland. Cough has become worse. Oh frigin' hell. Bought some things *lavishes love on scarf*. Got half of Cathy's present, found the other half like 10 minutes before I had to go, so sucky. Anna and I spent ages over it, but I won't tell you what it is yet. Why? Because i feel like being a devilish dervish tonight.
Trying to play Port Royale. Omg, friggin 'deficil'. And there are no cheats for it. *whine* Want to see Neddy Kelly because O.B. is v. sizzling. Jen knows this and has been bombarding me with pictures of O.B. in bathtub...with only bubbles...*drools*. Actually i've seen that before in Jo's magazine when she was drooling over it. Esctatic I was, fifth period English.
Oooh...not too long before POTC and dvd for TTT come out. *dances* This is sad. I should be doing Math, Chem and Psych...but oooh! *dances* Currently, as i have finished the books as seen on my template, I am reading this new book called 'Fashionista' and its really awesome. Not a very 'think-about-symbolism-and-nuance' book but a witty, vivacious book I like. Fast, modern and utterly fashion. I love it! *trying not to sound too blonde*
Saturday, August 23
I remembered what I was going to say!
Okay, so I get that my friends are a bit iffy around me (VCE school friends, not IB, not out of school, not MSN friends) because I have that tempermental, moody thing going (which I'm proud to say I haven't done all this week).
But anyway, I thought I WAS THE ONLY ONE! But hey, I don't blame them for hating me for doing that. I and I shouldn't have any excuses or anything but hm, I still felt like someone should undestand me. Anyway, I'm digressing.
Want to know who it is?
Its Steph. I always wondered. She's done it a few times and I've reacted just like my friends, pursing my lips and forgiving her. But I always wanted to scream at her. Like once, (believe me I didn't do anything) Steph decided to sit at the front with Shine and Karen (in Jen's usual place) instead of sitting with me for no fucking reason. And I was like...wtf? And she wouldn't even speak to me.
Jen of course, came to sit with me (being nice, un-moody Jen) and said,
"Whats up with Steph? Do you know?" and I'm like shrugging cause I have no idea.
Later on, she comes to the back (I think we were doing a prac) and she says 'Oh btw, I'm not angry at either of you if you think I am' and goes off again. Jen and I exchange looks and go back to work. Wtf?
Okay, also you know if you pass your friends you say hi. I do this various times around the school. Everytime I pass her, she's never says hi to me even if I say hi right in front of her face. And then acts normally in Chem as if everything is okay. Understanding a little about what i do and my friends' response. Urgh.
Thought I was paranoid until I spoke to Katrina, WHO BROUGHT IT UP btw. Katrina is like 'Do you know what's wrong with Steph?' and then goes on to relate to me things about her that she does to me, her moodiness, her no-hi-iness. And I'm nodding along the entire time. She comes in yesterday, half late in class and I'm sitting up in the front of the class with Jen because otherwise I'd be sitting alone in the back (at the time, trading insults with Karen). She walks in, in a huff and goes to sit at teh back.
And me, being the nice, gulubrious friend, gets all my stuff, waves goodbye and goes to the back. As soon as I sit down, I'm like 'You okay?' and she goes 'NO! I'm not!" and turns away, cold-shoulders me whatever you want say about. I'm like...'Okay' And about this time, I've had enough and about to launch into one of my terrible moods. But I don't. I sit there, like a pristine ice goddess (icicles in my hair) and wait till Steph finally gets over it and then turns to me as if nothing has happened and says 'Don't you want to make plasticene neurons?'
God. I wanted to slap her and for the love of god, sit anywhere but where I was. EVEN next to Suzanne. EVEN! Fucking hell.
~ M.M.W ~
PS: Happy thought: Get over it Steph! Don't be a 'Melissa'!
Forgot to post yesterday. Felt unreconcialably guilty. Wow. This is becoming an almost daily thing and its so therapeutic, I feel so refreshed after getting all my thoughts down.
I would say my vernacular is expanding but I'm not quite too sure what that means.
I have recieved eight e-mails on one of my e-mail accounts telling me to update my messenger. Wtf should I update it? Oh yeah, that stupid virus buggy thing could attack at any moment *feigns a duck* Ass!
Nothing really has happened. Except that I'm still sick with a bloody sore throat, nearly got a hackign cough but I coughed all that mucus up. Won't give you all the yicky details but it was v. late at night and I was feeling dizzy and woozy and...oooh...
I find that when I read excruciating bits or see excruicating bits (like in a movie or reading a book) I just have to do something immediately afterwards to make myself feel better, like listen to music or find a part where the person gets their own back. (Eg: Catseye).
No one's in the house at this moment and I AM NOT procrastinating (by rewatching LOTK to warm up for DVD of TTT) because I just finished MATH Tutoring and that can seriously kill your fricking brain. Sonia has asked me to help her with Math? *stares helplessly* Math? Me? WTF, indeed?
I have so many things today but seeing as its me, I've forgotten most of them. Ahh yess...I'm listening to Miss Independence by whats-her-face, American Idol, Kelly Clackson? I downloaded it off Izz's (Ames's cousin)kazzaa download files, Ames and Izz have edited out bits and now its really funny. Ames comes back in two weeks! Too whoot!
~ M.M.W ~
Thursday, August 21
Listening to: Your Body is a Wonderland - John Mayer (He's coming to Aussie!)
Its not everday you get to attack those you hate with swords...
If you haven't guessed. PE was great fun, fencing, raposting, 'en guarding', toucheing and saluting. Everyone's come down with something, (except for Sue) EVEN ME! Bloody hell, I feel the onslaught of a sore throat coming on. Thats depressing. I cannot miss school. Its a 'no-no' from now on. I never miss school, I've got a perfect attendance record. Bit sad, huh? Well I warned you I didn't have a life.
Funny thing, afterschool found that Sue had switched computers and I now had hers. She came around and got it, thank god. I have loads of psych to do and was not enjoying the prospect of doing it all tommorow.
Jut saw posters for LOTR:ROTK (Em sent me URL, she was in class I think. Silly girl! Should concentrate!). Awesome. I have some critiques tho:
1) Gandi looks too white, with all the blood, mud, viscous fluid dripping out of horse, man and beast I mean, how can he stand being so white? Well I guess its an advantage if he blinds everyone around him. He did in TTT riding down from top of mountain.
2) Frodo looks really dirty. I think he's trying that 'I'm a rugged hottie' look but getting the 'i'm too young to expose my chest like that on a poster and please, put it AWAY!' Aww, I'm too hard on him. *tries hard to stifle lame, sex joke*
3) Sam!!! Frodo!!!! Not to sound too 'Sara' but Kawaii YAOI!
4) Arwen. Beautiful. She's got the Snow White look. Black hair, red lips and not quite porcelain skin. Except for her voice, I think she's quite exceptional apparent to all that crap those movie stars wear now (aka: Cameron Diaz and Anjelina Jolie who are both really beautiful, but spoil it with all that makeup! Just watch Charlie's Angels and Tomb Raider 2) I know this was a not a critique but I had to say it!
5) Gollum! Is it me or does he look scarier than before? I guess maybe its Shelob's lair.
6) WHY IS THERE NO LEGOLAS POSTER? *wails in cry* Oh well, there's a Pirates of the Caribbean poster somewhere of him *surfs*. Reminds me, once mum asked me to search for something and i had no idea what she meant. Why? Coz she phrased it like this 'Why don't you go skiing for it?' Me: Wtf?
Still no lego pic. Is disappointed. Off to dinner.
~ M.M.W. ~
Wednesday, August 20
Did Tok Oral today. Forgot to mention that. I read it WAY too fast. But I wasn't really too tense, as there were only about seven people watching me. One of which I hated. THe rest I like or at least know on a 'hi, i do Ib too' basis.
The bitch went up today. And she hadn't prepared an oral at all and was demolished before the entire class by Ms. Barber. Go Ms Barber! It was soo pleasure-warming! Thats sickening isn't it? I get a rush of warmth when my enemies fall. Feh...she lords it over people when she's smarter. At least...I don't do that...all the time. Anyway, I'm not smart. I wonder why Ms Rawlings likes me anyway? After what she said to Adele about me, I'm slightly worried. I mean, I'm really not that smart and I thought it was just because I did the best on the psych exam. But now, I don't think so. She gave me that little lecture like the one Ms. Grahn gave Laura, her pet after her Math's test.
Its eerie. So this is what Cathy and Sue must feel like when they 'suck' up (Cathy moreso) to their teachers. Hmm...never felt the inclination for it.
Also, is it just me or is the Psych room continually cold even when the heater is on full blast? I like History, Tok, English, (maths sometimes) and Spanish coz they're all in Centenary where its nice and toasty. Hate Chem and Psych coz all cold. The sufferance of doing a science/humanity.
I don't know why but things come really easy (cept perhaps in English/HIstory). For example, I find Math, Chem, Psych and Spanish relatively easy (as long as I work on them). Whereas my two subjects i supposed in Year 10 would be my best are (not english so much) my worst. History, I wish I had changed to Art. Darn.
Thinking of going out this weekend to see a movie and shop. Hmm...now what to buy Cathy? *muses* I'll probably just ending up getting her some shit. I really have no idea. Maybe I'll get her a bag. But then again I don't know what she likes...hmmm, something girly probably.
~ M.M.W ~
Ho hum.
A quiet night in the household, as per usual. Do you ever get the feeling that you're part of the Truman show? That everything in the world is focused on you and in a weird way, is like the Matrix. Everything is made and focused on you, and for that, you have to give back what you believe is the real life. Its a sickening trade off, ethically and morally wrong. And sometimes I believe its happening to me.
Everything just seems to happen...to me, the strangest things. And then the bad things happen, but then I'm sure that the 'guys up there' are just doing it to make sure that I keep believing its a bad life. And i forget about that theory.
Paranoid, huh?
~~~~~~~~~~~
Em sent this to Mary (sent Ames, MV, Jen and I a copy) a two hours ago because Ames has been in a terrible mood and has had a terrible day. Its so cute!
Full of stres
Rooms a mess
Blame it all on P.M.S
Happy period!
Luv,
The fuckwits
~~~~~~
Em also sent this to me in order to lift me from my depressive gauze of IB and friendship and ominous future:
If you have castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.
- Thoreau
Ha ha. Ames sent this to me two minutes later in response to Em.
The best advice yet given is that you don't have to take it.
- Libby Budim
They're two hilarious fuckwits.
~ M.M.W ~
Tuesday, August 19
I think I have a fascination with angels. I guess its that beauty they possess, that inner grace and elegance I really and truly crave. Thinking about the 'real Little Mermaid' and realised that Ariel was just really using the Prince and that she never really loved him and deserved to die. And how gross was Cinderella? I don't want to be a faery tale princess anymore. Not that I wanted to be it in the first place.
Karen is coming back. Countdown to middle of September. About (11+15 =?) 26 days left, almost a month but less till she comes roaring home. Mum's getting her room all neat again, as mum has been stuffing her books in Karen's bookshelf as her bookshelf has all ready overfilled. If you don't all ready know, I don't want my sister to come back. I really, really don't want her to come back. Moreso than some other people *glares at Em*.
Kidding!
Putting up some POTC quotes cause they're so funny and I haven't even seen the movie yet. I hate Australia! Wah!:
Barbossa: [talking to Will Turner] Who are you?
Jack Sparrow: No one. He's no one. Aunt's nephew's cousin twice removed on my mother's side. Lovely singing voice. Eunuch.
[At gunpoint, Jack Sparrow forces Elizabeth Swann to reattach his sword and compass to his belt. She pulls the belt tight.]
Jack Sparrow: Easy on the goods, darling.
Will Turner: She goes free!
Barbossa: What's in your head, boy?
Will Turner: She goes free.
Barbossa: You've only got one shot and we can't die.
Jack Sparrow: Don't do anything stupid!
Will Turner: You can't.
[points gun at his own throat]
Will Turner: I can!
Jack Sparrow: Like that
Will Turner: This is either madness... or brilliance.
Jack Sparrow: It's remarkable how often those two traits coincide
Jack Sparrow: Me? I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest... Honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly...stupid.
Will Turner: We're going to steal a ship? That ship?
Jack Sparrow: Commandeer! We're going to commandeer that ship. Nautical term
Barbossa: Thank you, Jack.
Jack Sparrow: You're welcome.
Barbossa: Oh, not you. We named the monkey Jack
Jack Sparrow: [looking at all the swords] Who makes all these?
Will Turner: I do! And I practice with them three hours a day!
Jack Sparrow: You need to find yourself a girl mate. Or perhaps the reason you practice three hours a day is that you already found one, and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet. You're not a eunuch are you?
Will Turner: I practice three hours a day, so when I meet a pirate, I can kill it
Jack Sparrow: If you were waiting for the opportune moment, that was it.
Will Turner: Where's Elizabeth?
Jack Sparrow: She's safe, just like I promised. She's all set to marry Norrington, just like she promised. And you get to die for her, just like you promised. So we're all men of our word really... except for Elizabeth, who is in fact, a woman
Jack Sparrow: [after Will draws his sword] ] Put it away, son. Its not worth you getting beat again.
Will Turner: You didn't beat me. You ignored the rules of engagement. In a fair fight, I'd kill you.
Jack Sparrow: That's not much incentive for me to fight fair, then, is it?
Elizabeth Swann: Captain Barbossa, I am here to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against Port Royal.
Barbossa: There were a lot of long words in there, miss. We're naught but humble pirates. What is it that you want?
Elizabeth Swann: I want you to leave and never come back.
Barbossa: I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Means "no."
Jack Sparrow: [to Governor Weatherby Swann] We've reached a special place... Spiritually... ecumenically... grammatically
Barbarossa (Geoffrey Rush) and Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) get all these awesome fun lines and Will Turner (O.B) only gets one line and the rest he's being made fun of. Oh well, Johnny Depp went through that when he was young...and not wearing eyeliner.
~ M.M.W ~
Having fourth apple of the week. Am so proud am healthy. Also had chocolate this week. Not healthy. Oh well, they say you must have a 'balanced diet'. *grins* Is it just me or is everyone terrified at the prospect of choosing your career? (including me) In a way, this is one of the most important moments of my childhood, if still childhood.
I want everything to stay the same. Its 'safe' and 'secure' like Sue said. Its nice like this despite its disappointments, and despite the freedom of adulthood. Adulthood seems far from being me. I'll grow up, I'm sure and well all have to. We have this innate method of being adult, speaking to people's parents politely on the phone, saying thank you, holding open door for authority figures etc. There is however, that moment in which I remain a child. Wanting to argue and shout at Mrs Hodgekinson for her close-mindedness, and wanting to run away from Sue when walking up to Fiztwilliam, and play computer games with Carman, and blow bubbles at Anna. I mean what's wrong with that?
I guess we still hold childhood remnants of ourselves when we grow up and get drunk and party like animals. That is our childhood, but its the way we handle ourselves in the day which is part of our survival in the 'realistic' ugly world. I suppose that's my ideology. Once again, referring back to 'ignorance is bliss'. Maybe it won't be so hard than I think it is, that is if I get into medicine. I can make the rest of my life really easy or really hard.
It all depends from here till the end of next year. I don't know what I want to do but the pressure is amounting and I need to concentrate on a goal, whatever goal that it may be.
Monday, August 18
Just got e-mail from Ames:
Dear Mel.
Was at winery. Was very tipsy(not drunk). When tipsy, have nice ass. Pierre, or at least I think that's his name something French asked me whether I would like to go to the loo. He's so into me, Mel. I swear by beezelbub and all his little dominions he's into me.
Love ya fuckwitto
Ame's
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Omg...she's hallucinating again.
Oh I forgot. There was a major blackout in New York City. What sadness? It was on for like eight hours. Eight hours? The city of lights was well...without light. How sad. At least Melbourne is still lit.
Late at night, investigating my 'My Documents' folder. There's stuff from three years ago in there. Should take out the dirty laundry, really. Most if anime. *shudders* I can't BELIEVE i was soo into that stuff.
Thought I might just put in some links towards this survey thing.
Click here for survey in 2000!
Click here for survey in 2003!
Yeah, read and compare. R & C!
Have spent ages putting that up. I better be off to bed. English still to write and Tok to muse over. Only three minutes. Two orals in the next two days. NOt particularly worried about English because have Clare up there with me. Though she is not particularly pleased with me.
~ m.m.w ~
PS: I bet no one as worked out what m.m.w stands for yet. Oh well.
Sunday:
Went to Melboure Uni for Medicine Lecture. I really like Medicine now, just unsure whether I'm ready or at least good enough for it. i realise how little time I have left to really get my act together. once again I have wasted another big year for nothing. Another year of my life in which I could have enjoyed the longitude of youthfullness. See my wrinkles! *wails* I love the idea of 'poking around cadavers'. Hee! I can't wait! It disgusts me but excites! Does that make me weird? Adele was telling me about how her mother was fiddling around with one and it came alive, or 'took its last breath' before dying. And her mother freaked out! Scary shit. But can't wait! I really can't wait...no wait, I can.
Monday:
Monday. Grr...woke up with hangover. Spent night on internet talking to the girls about futures. (Em and Mary) are wanting to go to Melbourne with me and (Jen and Ames) are going to some colleges overseas (as they are living overseas). MV acts like such a haughty priss, just coz she's all ready going to Melbourne. She's doing an art degree and she's sent me some of work! Fuck! She is soo good! Anyway, school day today!
Probably the best I've had in a long day, had Chem. Boring as fuck, per usual. Just going over stoichiometry which I know, and then I had Psych - but it was cancelled due to that retarded 'Mustard' RE thing. After that, we were supposed to have Spanish but Pablo was sick and didn't turn up. Yay! Another class cancelled. Hung out in clase de Espanol with Sonia and Adelle, reviewing some Chem assigment. Did pretty well, seeing as haven't finished Stoichiometry.
Kim soon joined us, with Anna (sophia) and Anna (Buchanan) who is really nice. Haven't seen her since Marshmead. After that, had lunch with Sara - unwittingly trying to make jokes. Not so nice. Anna beat me in Tetris and then i her, and bell went in middle of third round so had to go. After that, had RE in which watched Dead Man boring again. Will Sean Penn die ALL READY?
Now home, supposedly doing homework. Have feeling someone might pop on so shall go now. Ciao, babe! Might see ya later.
~ M.M.W ~
PS: Can't wait for O'Camp!
Sunday, August 17
Today seemed so lazy. I stayed home - THE ENTIRE DAY and I got ZIp homework done. Does that say something about my life?
Day:
7:00 - half-woke up, rolled over in bed, looked at clock, rolled back over and went to sleep.
8:00 - :) Look above
8:40 - Jumped up, ran to bathroom. Had quick shower.
8:55 - Rush to kitchen table just as Naz rings the bell. Talk about being saved by the bell?
10:33 - Naz leaves. Math tutoring over and I prance about the house merrily.
11:00 - Mum and Dad leave for el liberia and I spend time on internet, downloading anti-virus software and chatting to Jen about her boys and myths (supposedly about their genitalia)
1:00 - Mum and dad come home with really, yummy sandwhich things from 'Brunetti's' I think. I eat.
2:00 - Am sitting in front of telly, half-knitting and half-fixing up math homework while watching 'The Saint'
4:30 - Prancing around again, chatting to Sue and Cathy and watching Teen's Movie Choice awards, which suck majorly.
6:00 - In room, listening to Michelle Branche and rearranging bookshelf. Have found huge dent in side of bookcase and poster from year 7. Should really clean room.
7:30 - Have some cool pasta with spicy, aromatic sauce that Mum bought from some place. Really yummy, pasta filled with ricotta and spinach. Yum!
8:00 - Watching 'Boys and Girls'
9:30 - Watching 'Romeo Must Die'
10:00 - Get call from Steph, to cancel tommorow. Am not worried, knew that would happen. Not psychic, its just Steph.
11:25 - Realise WHY its called Romeo must die
11:45 - Puzzled as to why Romeo and Juliet didn't die
12:30 - NOW! Slapped head for forgetting to get on internet at 11 to talk to friend, who I promised to speak to. Silly me.
Yep, that's my day! how absolutely fun. Am NOT looking forward to tommorow. Am buggering off officially NOW.
~ M.M.W ~
Oooh, Ames just popped on. What's going over there in Paris?
Saturday, August 16
I wanted more so than anything for a good, rejuvenation of coffee right now. I can't really say why but I feel quite fatigued and am drinking coke to wake me up (and acidise my insides!).
Is it me or is everyone bitching about everyone else...but me (as in someone bitching about me)??? I feel strangely ignored but nicely detached from it all, like a floating mist, clinging to nothing, just passing through.
Selected Convo:
Ames: There's nothing wrong with not being bitched about it. Its a break from im-bitchiness.
Em: I think #_# you mean non bitchiness.
Ames: ^+^ I mean what I mean, fuckwit.
Mel: guys! seriously...
Em: Have a break! Have a kitkat!
Ames: lol
Em: *rollin' the old eyeballs*
Mel: omg...
Ames: Creakkkk! Splodge!
Em: Hoi!
Ames: So mel, still got the hots for old 'i've got a potato in my pants and I KNOW how to use it'
(Jen joins)
Jen:...what?
Mel: *pats Jen* Sorry, Ames is on radical, all for free 'destroyer of innocent, chastity'
Em: And health! *now vomitous goo*
Ames: You didn't answer my question, melb.
Mel: Yeah, yeah...yeah I do! You got a problem with that?
Em: no, fuckwit no. 2 does not have a problem with that.
Ames: Shut up, Em, I can speak for myself to fuckwith no. 3
Mel: *bows as fuckwit no. 3*
Jen: *does not want fuckwit no.4*
Mel/Ames/Em: JEN IS KNIGHTED AS FUCKWIT No.4!
Em: wait...isn't Mary fuckwit no. 4?
Ames: yeah, well she's fuckwitted enough to be unfuckwitted down to Fuckwit No.5.
Em: Yeah! *drunkely/tipsy/fuckwitted*
Mel: Oh god.
Okay, sorry. It seemed really funny at the time. I was 'fuckwitted' (aka: knighted) like a hundred, million years ago so I'm an original fuckwit, deemed by Ames, El Capitan of the fuckwits. MV was not happy about this. At time we were talking about this I think it was weally, weally late at night and I was slowly falling asleep over the keyboard. It took me a while to organise that convo, soo...many...spelling...mistakes.
~M.M.W~
Friday, August 15
So I'm sitting here, writing my journal and trying to bugger off...I feel really bad leaving Anna there with Sara. Its not fair she has to be friends with her. Earlier: Was Sara dropping a hint at me because that was v. not subtle?
Got Tok Journals back. Nice comments. I like Ms. Barber now. I think she likes me more now that Sara's gone and I've spoken up more in class. Okay, I have to jet, this is too nerve-tear-and-wearing.
Later Edit: Carman walked in when I finished this post and closed window. Perfect timing!!
~ M.M.W ~
Thursday, August 14
I feel like I've done nothing with my life and this diary is just complaining about all those lost chances. I've decided to inspire/motivate myself to do...SOMETHING! To get my life busy, in the least. Fretting about homework is not a good priority. Shall be something...tommorow. *yawn* Its nearly twelve. Off to bed.
Also new news, Godricheiress spilled the news! She goes to Melbourne! YAY! Have friend when go to Uni...if go to Melbourne!
Quotes/Memories of the Day (and Yesterday):
'We've got it' I turn tap off - too fast- turns it on again clock wise 'NOOO!' Perfect titration goes fluro-pink! Waste of effort after seven minutes.
- Steph and I (The noo bit simultaneously) while trying to titrate acid and base to a pink, salmon colour,
'No, La Trobe is latin for 'I-couldn't-get-into-Melboure-OR-Monash!'
- Me, after school when talking about unis.
'Shsshshsh!'
- Pablo (aka: Mr Leon, Senor Espanol - mimicking me as i try to sneak out of class)
'No! I am Spartacus!'
- Me, yesterday after school
'Err...yo contribuyeron a mi casa'
- Adele's quick-thinking spanish sentence for the day
'hrmmmm' (relaxed sigh)
- Everyone in Psych class, when Rawlings leaves the room
~~~~~~~~~~~
MSN Quotes:
'Fuckwitting Fuckwit' 'The Price is Wrong, Bitcah!' 'Orlando B. Is. Sizzling'
- My usernames
'Orlando B. Has. No. Scrotum' 'Schwartz for Gov!'
- Ames' Usernames (She's ON! not back but ON!)
'Err...can I borrow a testicle, I mean testube?'
- Ames, being dirtier than I am which is v. dirty.
'Don't mind her. She's just a little communist.' (Em)
'Join the regime NOW!' (Ames - repeated)
- Em trying to stop me from blocking Ames (on a high) and Ames irritating the crap out of me with her fascist bull shit.
'Percy!'
'Harry!
'Draco'
'Snape!'
- Mary, Em, Jen and to my great surprise *rolls eyes* Ames. Discussion on who would they fuck on a regular basis. Godricheiress (aka: MV (Midori Virgin)) stayed out of this in our own little conversation.
'No fuckwitting in MY classroom!'
- Godricheiress after getting annoyed at us (being the oldest and presiding president over our 'councils')
People if I can I will vote for prefect:
Carman
Katrina
Adele
Kate
Anna-sophia
That is all.
~ M.M.W~
Today was nice. I suppose its strange growing up. You feel so independent. Today in Chem, did not totally mess up prac but did rather good job of titrating the acid into the base. It went too pink, accidentally. But that's all right.
What else? Katrina and Sonia agree with me that D C-S cheated on her maths test. She always looks at other people's work and IS a complete suck-up. And she knows I know. Other than that, everythings peachy.
V. v. strange. I haven't really been irritated - always been either too tired or just plain too detached. Carman may say something and I'll just be like 'who gives a god-damn fuck?'
Spare with Ying and Marie. Ying told me that Sarah is turning into Suzanne, a little. And Jen and she aren't talking. Which I think is v. sad because Jen is such a nice person and so...was Sarah. I don't know about Sarah now. I mean, she's really on Suzanne's side now that when she starts bitching about Jen, I can tell that maybe it runs a little bit more personal than Jen's logic in this situation. I hate to say this, but it cheers me up a little because I used to think that my friendship group was really fucked - but now I see that I'm really wrong.
~ M.M.W ~
PS: Although we still are...just a little.
Okay. Well this isn't subtle, sitting here typing away with my computer turned away from prying eyes. I just have this annoying feeling that someone is....ooh, close one...walking up behind me, that I know. THey pop thier head around my shoulder and go 'Oooh! What'cha doing?' D. C-S is such a BITCH! SHe fucking copied off me during the maths test. And not subtly either. Little, bloody, red-headed shit. No wonder, no one likes her. I hope her nose gets ripped off by a dog.
Other than that, what's new in the underworld of MLCien society, huh?
Wednesday, August 13
Its like you think your safe or something, 'cause you can just walk away, anytime because you dont like need them, or her, or him or the world. You don't need anyone. But the thing you didn't realise is you're wrong...
And sometimes being wrong is better than being nothing. And sometimes being noticed for something stupid is better than being overlooked in a crowd of intelligence. Goodness knows what I want, or who I want it with. The only thing I know is that whatever I want, I don't have and when I have it, it won't be what I want anymore.
E...
~ M.M.W ~
Would have posted earlier...round six. But stupid Blogger was in maintenace so had to postpone posting. *laughs* All right, so normal school day. Although excited coz I did REMEMBER to tape Buffy. *pats self on back*
Review:
Okay, so I'm not a buffy buff. *laughs again* But I was there when it began and I was there when it ended and despite that, I'm sad it ended. I was so disappointed by the last episode that I couldn't help making jokes. I swear, they accidentally wandered into Middle Earth, that place looked exactly like Sauromon's hangout with his orcs and dudes. Dude! Anya died, v. surprising seeing as I DID not see that coming. The poor dear, all she wanted to do was get married after spending an eternity as a demon. And poor Spike, I really liked him in all that gold light. And dying, get 'dusted'. *sighs* Broke my heart when he said 'No you don't, but thanks for saying it'. And Buffy was crying and oh...*wails* So sad. It seemed a bit of a letdown but for a finale, I think it did well.
I really liked the end where it was focusing on Buffy, moving in closer and closer. And then Dawn says 'Yeah, what do we do now Buffy?' And it just shows her smiling. And then boom - Joss Whedon and Marti Noxon for producers. Okay, I think that's enough ranting. Gotta move on.
What happened today? Sue and I complained about Sara for so long. I won't bother you with the rantings but they were long and tiring. Studied for Maths test, didn't really care for it. Easy shit, just like last test. I KNOW i got two questions wrong so I'm pretty fucked. Realised have forgotten to send in late History essay, have to get extension on English oral and have to prepare for TOK oral soon. Shouldn't take long, on top of all the other fucking work I have due in. NOt to mention, I'll probably be getting my Psych test back tommorow, on top of Steph going 'What did you get Melissa?', like some rapant, rabid dog.
I'm so very tired lately. So v.v. tired. ALl I want to do is sleep. But that's bad...*nods* Oh yeah, that's right. Also have to do some history homework, I've totally fucked around in class so now I've actually got to sit down and do it. I can't wait till holidays...no wait, I CAN wait! And I can DEFINITELy wait for the weekend. Wondering if I should tell Steph I can't go. Just wait, she has to arrange a time so if she doesn't I'll go with friends, if she does...we'll see.
Tuesday, August 12
I feel so lacklustre. Dull. Tones of monochrome and shiny darkness. Its not that I'm depressed, its just that I feel I lack colour. Don't worry, I haven't turned Pleasantville yet. I just feel so detached sometimes, so far-fetched that I feel this great careening abyss before me whenever I attempt some action or deed. For example: Maths test tommorow and I'm so fucked. I totally forgot about it. Not to mention, I am so not prepared. My computer's fucked at the moment. I was supposed to have cake for dessert...stared at it for a full five minutes, watching all that custard dripping about it like some insidious vomity goo and I nearly up-chucked. I mean sick like a bulimic who feels pleasure at purging. Except I'm not skinny and anny.
Last Buffy ep on tonight and that makes me sad. Its always sad when something ends. I even felt sad with Ally ended and I barely even watched that show. It was just a reflection of another part of my childhood ending, well not ending but heralding more-like, the end of my childhood.
If you haven't noticed, friends of MMW's blog, I've changed the fucking template. I abhor my old one, it just reminded me of facades I see everday in me, in everyone else. Those fucking ugly facades that make me bite my lip when I say something wrong, or see people tense up their faces when they've hit a raw spot. I hate so many people, maybe because I see a reflection of them in me. Although, its tiring hating the people I hate. I hate Suzanne, yes but sometimes I get so sick of my hate I just want to ask her to pass the bloody copper in Chem(probably freak her out and irritate Jen at the same time) instead of standing right in front of it, or asking her to duck when Mrs Jarrett writes something low on the board so I don't have to lean over Steph and then bob sideways so Karen's head doesn't get in the way. She watches me sometimes, its eerie. She turns around, asks Steph for something, I'm bent over my note writing away and while Steph gets it she looks at me. I know because I've caught her doing it like five times now. What the fuck is she doing? She's not glaring at me, only looking at me peculiarly as if I've got a fairy stuck in my hair. What is with people these days?
M.M.W
Have found new word that I love:
Requiescat : a prayer for the repose of the souls of the dead
Know it has ugly definition. Cannot pronounce it though.
Illusions
Evanescent feelings swell and effervesce
They rise and fall
while seeking out the pathways through my soul.
They find the mirrored images of manufactured feelings,
reflections from a hidden heart
grown cold beneath lost and shadowed places of my inner life.
They feed upon the fancies of remembered things
that live beyond the light
They glide and swirl within in everlasting want,
until at last they find the rock-hard places where the mirror breaks
and fantasies disintegrate.
And from the white-hot pain of death,
my heart emerges through the tears,
irrevocably searching for the light.
Today, as agreed by many was a okay, pretty average day. Have well...technically five classes with only brief jaunts of morning, recess and lunch, I've been working and waning all day.
Get up, EARLY - like seven'o clock and start to get ready. Get to school, early morning. Sara again irritates me, she's good at heart its just sometimes she's such a bigot, a racist and an all round brat. Can't she leave us alone? She teases poor Diana because she doesn't have any friends, then lunges at me when I wave at her 'Why did you wave at her?'. I stare back dimly, asking her impertinently with a frown 'How dare you - of all people - accuse me, huh? You with your pathetic little life as it is.' Sue and I smirk behind her back. Right...like you're the one with the better life, have no friends so you hang out with us and play games instead of doing work.
Don't blame it on us for fucks sake. Its your own bloody fault.
I'm sorry. She's not worth ranting about here. I never thought I'd be able to laugh at someone like I laugh at her but I can. She will fail and she knows it, well get off your fat ass and do something about it, ass hole.
Anyway, other than her, perfectly normal day. Spanish was good. Tried to help Katrina before big Psych test. Sonia was a bit of a brat, she should tone down her ideas, can get v. annoying. (uh oh! sound like bridget!)
Friends on the other hand were good. NOthing wrong there. Had nice lunch and after Caz meeting talk. Mostly gossiping. Sara was obviously pissed when Sue and I ran up the stairs without here. Get a hint...or at least a life, freak.
Chem was easy peasy, lemon squeasy. Don't even have to concentrate. Steph coudln't get it. I don't get it? Its so easy, and Chem tutor didn't even teach me yet. Its so easy!!! I love stoichiometry. Psych, otherwise. I like watching videos, everything so intersting *flinches from vision of awful pecs*. Since starting learning perspective, I reckon we should go study Kindle like VCE psychos.
RE? Umm...watched Dead Man Walking. Well it is Dead Man boring. And so is Mrs Hodgekinson. Loves sound of own voice. Well so do I...no I don't. Would love if voice was cool, crisp English accent like that girl off MI2 (although stupid movie).
After school all right. Came home, watched Alias and now here, procrastinating so I don't have to start:
1) Studying for Math test tommorow
2) Doing other Math hw
3) Writing up History notes on German's economy before and after HItler's rise to power
4) Revising chem before big test (even though not set - can feel it rumbling towards me)
5) Doing Psych questions - all 48!!!
Err...that's all I can do tonight, as well as DON'T FORGET TO TAPE BUFFY! Don't! Don't! Don't!
Monday, August 11
"Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too busy with their own. The beautiful ones. The popular.The guys that pick on you. Everyone. If you could hear what they were feeling. The loneliness. The confusion. It looks quiet down there. It's not. It's deafening."
I really can't believe that's a Buffy quote. It seems too arbitrary to be a Buffy quote. Its really beautiful how its been written, and the insight of the human soul is amazing. I wish that in my life, that I could write something like that and know it was mine, that nobody but nobody has ever written or given thought to such a beautiful soliloquy like that. That I'd breathed life and soul into this single creation. It wouldn't matter if it was cherished or hated but that someone had read it and felt different because of it. That someone had read it out of their own accord and breathed a deep sigh at its depth. Especially into the teenage soul.
M.M.W
Sitting in History, trying to look like I'm busily writing notes. Blah. I haven't written for a week and I feel forsaken. Hmm, can't think of a better word, insufficed is definitely not a word. So happy with myself. Did ALL This homework, revised for Spanish, half-Chem, did both Math sheets and just have prac to go. Also read Sabriel, Bridget Jones's Diary, that one by the dude who wrote 'El Mandonlin de Capitan Correli', Jennifer GOvernment, Talented Mr Ripley and co (3 extra). I'm in the middle of the Bucanners again (just skimming) and I'm picking bits out of the sequel to Bridget Jones's Diary. How sad, my life consists of books and homework. I need to get out. I would but me parents are having a bit of a row so I'm not even leaving my room. Been listening over and over to Michelle Branche. I really want to go to her concert but I can imagine mum's strenous objections and my dad worrying about those guys who hang out in teh corners of concerts, tapling their fingers and waiting to tickle me senseless. Okay...that was weird and went nowhere. I hate writing journals in class becaue there are always nosy people poking over my shoulder and going 'What's that?' (nasty British accent).
Okay, no I didn't mean that but sometimes they do...in England. Once again, am digressing. Had a spare Period ONe, nice time to relax and in the middle of another journal when bell rang and I had to run. I don't know whether I should go to Melbourne this weekend. Like I promised Steph and Kim but that was ages ago and Steph is acting really weird lately. I don't know what's with her. Eh...she'll probably get over it. Everyone has good and bad days.
At the moment my days all right, I had a nice Spare, got my math-o finished-o. History is all right, we're taking notes and I've barely started, nor have an idea what I'm supposed to be doing. I just can't be bothered. Computer is too much of a temptation. Talking to Em last night, been talking to Em a lot lately. She's been having trouble with her boyfriend, she says she thinks he's gay and everytime she says that I burst out laughign. It seems hilarious. She gets annoyed though and blocks me for two minutes every single time. Poor dear. I don't really believer her thought. I've talked to her boyfried once on her thing and he seems perfectly normal, I was going to ask him if he was but then I remembered the last night I did that and how now it is remembered as a vixenicious act, taboo, laughed about and being shocked at. I am surprised that my friends were aghast and shocked at it, laughing nervously as we talked. I sat there thinking 'grow up', its not a big deal. Jeez. So what if I asked if he was gay? It was a straightforward, blunt question. i wasn't coming on to him. Maybe he is gay, it wasn't wrong and he shouldn't be quelling it. That would be wrong.
Ames is still in France and although I spoke to her Friday night for two minutes, she is still defined as 'in-communicado'.
Bugger, school is nearly finished. Five weeks to go. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. THat means exams are creeping up again with their slow squelching across the river. Sabriel again. Fuck.
My e-mail is overloaded with shit. I have to send my essay to Mrs Peterson, meeting tommorow, have to write back to Sue and Sara, gotta get that CHem sheet off OLS, download the chem revision things. I think that's all for now. Write back more later.
Oh yes. So happy. Did a lot better on my HIstory test than I thought. I got 82% on my HIstory test instead of 63% which Mrs Peterson marked as my score. Yes! *punches air* The highest was 46, only five away from mine so I'm happy. Well not too much. I'm sure I could have got at least 49. I knew most of the answers except for one. Stupid 'Brest-Litovisk' question. Also semi-failed Psych test. Rawlings made Adelle cry. Stupid Rawlings.
Tuesday, August 5
Sometimes I feel that my life is so figmented, broken into parts that are coming apart more slowly each year. Perhaps the weirdest analogy yet, I wish I was the evil terminator (2!). Even when he is split up by nitrogen whatever he still comes back together. But that takes courage, perseverance, intelligen and more commonly, chemically induced, cyber-genetic cells...which, I can gladly affirm, I do not have.
I feel I am wrapped up in myself like there's no turning back. No way that I can change my child, capitulate my philosophy and material wantoness for the greater good.
I just spoke pure shite in that sentence back there. Goodness, I really have to stop doing that. Its like in my blood now. part of me, that nonsensical shiteness within.
I've been accidentally taking stuff, I accidentally took Steph's calc causing her pain and sorrow over the weekend (at Bulla!) and I accidentally took Anna-Sophia's diary (upon which she sent me greasies all during HIstory!) AND I drew all over Adele's work and now she's in the shits with me. Oh well. Above that, I've having a pretty shit day. Cathy's back, same as usual. Carman too. I think I told you she was sick yesterday. Sue got really pissed at Sara and I can understand why, sometimes I get really pissed at Sara. She just doesn't care AND you try to cheer her up, motivate her and she just moans about it. Sure she's fun to hang around with, taunt others with but still...budge up, don't criticise other people's opinions all the time. She criticises all my friends' opinions, Sue, Cathy, Anna sometimes. Its really annoying. I still like her though, she's a good person when you get down to it but people have pressure points.
And the fact is, she always hangs out around us when Jess and co are nearby. What happened to their relationship, huh? I enjoy her company but I like hanging out with MY friends who are strictly MY friends because we can talk about anything. And I don't have to restrict my conversation or opinions when she's around. Mrgh. Sorry, I just have to splerge. Its just getting really, fucking irritating.
Oh that's right. Got Math test back, did surprisingly well. Meaning I passed. But everyone else were getting 30's and stuff. I was pissed I only passed. Eep. We're doing a re-take though, so I hope I do better. Also, apparently I did one of the questions the best in the class. Go me! *does a dance* I know I know. I have to brag here because no one else cares. Oh, except for Em who actually is in a piss...right...now...because I'm ignoring her and writing this. Ta.
~ M.M.W ~
Monday, August 4
Conversation a long time ago with Kirsty:
Kirsty: What do you prefer, night or day?
Me: Hmm...*giggle* Day of course.
What a lie. Of course I'm lying to her, the rest of the world and most importantly myself. I look back over my entries and think, jesus melissa, you're such a fucking liar. I don't mean the content but the way I appear, all gay and laughter, giggle after giggle after giggle. Of course I'm not really giggling, its just the way it looks. I'm not really laughing, even when I'm laughing out loud. I'm considering my options when I make a mistake or a joke, how does that appear? What are they laughing at? The mistake or the appearance of my stupidness?
I do it of course because sometimes I am so afraid that one of my friends has found out my journal and read it and I try and black out all those blased commentaries that lie behind me that speak of them, my deep dark secret thoughts so I spice up the surrouding entries with comments and laughter. How does that make it better thought?
Sometimes I feel like I've betrayed all my friends by writing about them and my true feelings but it needs to come out of me. Once, while lying in bed I was staring up at the stars through my window, the gauzy curtains blocking some of the beautiful clearn night from me and I found myself clutching the bedsheet like I used to clutch my toys when I was younger. And my teeth were clenched down on my bottom lip and like in so many of the stories I write, I found I had bitten down so hard that a trail of blood was running down my chin and onto the bedsheet.
And I had not noticed. Because I was lost in my dreams, that place where not even my parents can touch. Not even my sister could find and destroy. NOt even my friends could criticise and laugh at. That place within myself, the dark recesses which sometimes seem to be filled with light and beauty. The silver, graceful trees, glittering with frost and fallen stars. Thier wintry boughs like towers reaching up into the wintry sky. I love it there. I'm free.
Its all thats left of my childhood. I hate growing up. Doesn't everybdoy? It just makes you more vulnerable especially in this world. Talking to Alice about the afterworld I realised how I imagined death, those lights and the tunnel at the end, and all those lights were flashbacks of my life, bits of where I've torn the sheets with my rapturours pains and the times I'd laughed so hard I've felt that euphoric rush of adrenaline burst through my heart. And that single incarnation at the end of that infitismal tunnel, where I am a fetus within the secure liquid of the womb and I begin life again.
I don't believe in heaven or hell anymore. I don't believe in karma and I am doubting my belief in god anymore. Why hasn't he saved me from this infernal torment? Maybe no one has guessed that this world is indeed hell.
THat simple truth, contention, whatever you want to call it makes you feel more than insignificant but rather dowdy. Really small. Smaller than God. Smaller than a pebble washed in a small brook.
Oh, btw. I like Night better.
'All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade...away...again...'
- Shimmer, Fuel
I can't get that lovely, bloody song out of my head. Strange thing today, just me, Anna and Sue. Enjoyable! Very! I wouldn't have minded if Carman had come but I had the feeling that seeing Cathy would have made me physically want to heave. Oh wait, don't get the wrong idea that I hate her or something. I just hate the feeling when someone is angry at me. I really abhor it. And I feel physically sick when that happens.
Okay, that doesn't matter. What matters is... ME! *screams* Oh this is sooo cool! I can be totally selfish here and I don't give a flying fuck what anyone who reads this thinks!! ME! THAT'S WHAT MATTERS! *calms down* To me...that's what matters to me, ME! Hmm...
My WISHLIST:
1. Dreams...only I know what that really means.
2. 3 Abodes
3. 99.95 And Umat
4. Best selling Book preferably W/B Angels
5. Orlando Bloom! *sighs* JK!
6. My sister marrying a rich guy...then plummetting to death in her private lear jet with her husband leaving me with all her money! Muahahah! *coughs* No, that's awful. How bout, I get rich and she has to borrow money off me. BETTER! Who's laughing now?
7. That jumper from D&G that's like $2000 dollars, Calven Klein heels and nice legs that go into really nicely, shaped jeans.
8. A really good fuck (....) -ing book! Gotcha Ames!
9. Leather pants. Just for the look on my friends faces. Oh and nice legs (mentioned above)
10. A Swiss bank acount.
11. An puppy.
12. My own designer who designs a whole wardrobe for me (kiss/sim wise)
13. The Perfect, slight wavy, fine, HAIR!!!!! That is really long.
14. That my friends can be happy with themselves, the rest of the world and most importantly me. Jeez...this is way down my list. I think I should up it a bit...especially before 8#
15. A Car. Porsche
16. LOTR DVD: Two Towers
17. LoTR DVD: Return of the King
18. The non-perfect boyfriend.
19. A never-ending wishing genie. Lamp optional.
Ha.
M.M.W
Thanks to Jo. *cackles insanely*
YEAR 12 HIT LIST IS UP
hahaha we just made the year 12 hit list on the common room whiteboard.
so far it consists of:
1. JESS CORELLI
2. GISELLE TOOTH
3. ALANA PETRIDIS
4. TARA SEYMOUR (MORTICIA ADAMS)
5. GABBY G
6. KATIE (TOO THIN)
7. CHANTELLE KERKVLIET
8. LIZA DONNALEON
9. HAYLEY SLOAN
10. ANDREA
11. THAYA KOTORIDIS
12. STEPH PAGANO
13. ZOE CORNELL
14. SOPHIA TSILIANAS
15. BEC (YEAR 10)
16. JANE CHEATLEY (AND GROUP)
17. SOPHIE RYAN
18. DANNIELLE WREN
19. WIGGY (NAME TO BE CONFIRMED)
20. KATE (BUTTERMENTHOL GIRL - CHEERLEADER)
21. LUCY (CHEERLEADER)
22. CHRISTINE EWAN
23. MARTY
24. ANDREA LYDELL
25. GEORGIE WARK
26. JACKIE FURNELL
27. MACCAS HANGERS
28. CLEMINTINE BALES
29. COBY
30. MADDY
31. CASSIE (I.E. TOO HOTT FOR HER OWN GOOD)
32. ORIANA DING
33. HARDARSE YEAR 10 GROUP WHO WEAR CAPS WITH THEIR UNIFORM
34. JACKIE STUDLEY
35. ASHINI
36. CLAIRE FREEMAN
37. LAUREN
38. ISSY MURPHEY
39. PENNY HENDERSON AND HER BROTHER
40. VICTORIA
41. ALL YEAR 11 ROWERS
42. TAMSIN ILLINGSWORTH
43. GIRRAFFE GIRL
44. LEE (BIRCH'S EX)
45. MACGREGOR BESSANT (SARAH'S EX)
46. HENRY FUDGE-PACKER (MC'S EX)
47. ZOE SCHOOLIOS
48. YEAR 12 LAURISTON GIRLS
49. HAYLEY PORTER
50. NICOLA KENYON
51. VIC (MODEL LAURI CHICK)
52. ALYSSA GOY
53. GABY GORY
54. CHRISANTHI K
55. SHERLEE MAH
56. HOPE ROBERTS
57. STEF MAC
58. ANYONE WITH BLEACHED HAIR AND ORANGE SKIN
59. JACKIE MARSHALL
60. ANIKA
61. THE WHOLE OF TRASHCONA YEAR 12
62. KATRINA WAKE
63. JULIA TAMBORINA (YEAR 9)
64. EMMA STONE
66. KATIE HOWE
67. GABBY SCOTT
68. SARAH
69. VERA
70. KATIA
71. LAUREN GEORGIO
Hee hee. So true.
Saturday, August 2
I have a v. short term memory so in turn, I shall predispose this most gulubrious journal to be the caretaker of my memories. Memories no one but me cares to hear or know. In this journal I shall also include new words, my own thoughts of the day and quotes galore.
Music: Candice Alley - Falling (on replay)
At the moment, the memory most upstanding in my mind is standing on that cliff during Duke of Ed, feeling the spray of water, the flash of light as a camera going off and that feeling of freedom (Jack on Titanic as he stood at the bow of the boat). All that expanse and freedom before me and I couldn't touch it. I didn't have the strength nor the courage to take the plunge. I couldn't look life or my future in the face because I didn't want to see it. I really didn't. I just wanted to turn back and plunge down the self-same road I had taken to get there. So the question is, what's holding me back?
Fear? Unrequitement? Lack of love? Mental disturbance? Whatever the fuck it is, I need to know now. I have to do that stupid 'growth' now, in these years otherwise I won't be ready for whatever comes. No one I know believes in destiny, but I do. And I don't mean some 'save the world' type destiny, but YOUR destiny. What you want to do that combines, love, money, truth and the survival of the future.
I have MANY regrets in my life. Harry is one of the grandest. The sheer pain of him is intolerable. I feel drawn down because of it. That was one bad choice - but then again was it? He ended up with Kathryn anway, someone who was better for him than me. He shouldn't have asked me in the first place, I didn't deserve him. Harry was someone who was honest and true, more beautiful than Harry from HP and jesus christ, I was an god-damn idiot. Such an idiot. The way I handled the situation was more than pathetic and I feel lower than dirt. I feel better than some kinds of dirt but not that gravel kind. (SImp quote) Bloody hell, I remember dreaming about apologising to him in the future. I know now that I took advantage, I 'used him' (non-sexually) but still I did. And that was bad. I can't belive he really did like me. Me? It seems so hilariously funny that someone woudl like 'me'. But he did, the real me, not 'this' me now. This hateful me who's been eaten up by this. He was my friend too. Just like David. One of my closest friends and one of the sweetest too. Fucking hell. Really wish I could turn back time.
M.M.W (who is furious with oneself at the momento)
Friday, August 1
Okay. I haven't posted for LIKE a week and I LIKE don't know what's LIKE come over me. Now doesn't that sentence sound blonde?
Update:
Chem - Steph went over a cliff during skiing at Bulla - mini-cliff and is oh-so hurt. Poor dear. Tried speaking CHinese during Fifth period Chem. Ended up laughing so hard, probably because I pronouce thank you 'che-chu'. Oh dear. Everyone still hates Suzanne cept for Sarah. Diddums
Cathy - yep, she's sick. ANd when she's sick she gets suprisingly grumpy. Not a good thing. She should stay home. She emailed her teachers! *whispers* Nerd!
TV: SImpsons - Two new eps. Hell funny. Alias is back on. Missed Thursdays but saw BUFFY! Spike and Buffy didn't have sex! Yay! First time EVER! They had a nice sleep in. Buffy went to kick butt. Get that REverend, Buff! Three eps to go!
Myself: Contemplative. Stopped myself being v. pissed three times this week. Getting better at it. Just so pissed at everything. Eating less, exercising no more. Jesus.
Friends: So-so. Not really anything. Shouldn't have gone to Chapel.
IB Friends: Its like hyper when ever I'm near them. Its frickin weird, dude.
Other FRIENDS: Haven't heard from them a while. Told them I was busy this week.
Subjects: Higher level Chem, Higher Level Psych and Higher Level English. is that a good choice? Doubting Higher Level Chem now. *stares at Higher Level Chem exam* YIKES! Feeling that score thing is needed. Checked out subjects and prereqs whatever for Uni. Deciding whether to go to Monash. No? yes? Maybe! I want to go out with Sarah tommorow. Shall call soon.
Dream wise? I really don't know. Had a weird dream about my friends. Tandoor chicken and Carman making out with HC. Not good.
Tests: Failed Maths and History. Worst two subjects, History beats Chem! Woo hoo!
I Think thats about it. I'll post more tommorow. Lots to talk about, girlfriends. Woo!
M.M.W
