Saturday, August 2
I have a v. short term memory so in turn, I shall predispose this most gulubrious journal to be the caretaker of my memories. Memories no one but me cares to hear or know. In this journal I shall also include new words, my own thoughts of the day and quotes galore.
Music: Candice Alley - Falling (on replay)
At the moment, the memory most upstanding in my mind is standing on that cliff during Duke of Ed, feeling the spray of water, the flash of light as a camera going off and that feeling of freedom (Jack on Titanic as he stood at the bow of the boat). All that expanse and freedom before me and I couldn't touch it. I didn't have the strength nor the courage to take the plunge. I couldn't look life or my future in the face because I didn't want to see it. I really didn't. I just wanted to turn back and plunge down the self-same road I had taken to get there. So the question is, what's holding me back?
Fear? Unrequitement? Lack of love? Mental disturbance? Whatever the fuck it is, I need to know now. I have to do that stupid 'growth' now, in these years otherwise I won't be ready for whatever comes. No one I know believes in destiny, but I do. And I don't mean some 'save the world' type destiny, but YOUR destiny. What you want to do that combines, love, money, truth and the survival of the future.
I have MANY regrets in my life. Harry is one of the grandest. The sheer pain of him is intolerable. I feel drawn down because of it. That was one bad choice - but then again was it? He ended up with Kathryn anway, someone who was better for him than me. He shouldn't have asked me in the first place, I didn't deserve him. Harry was someone who was honest and true, more beautiful than Harry from HP and jesus christ, I was an god-damn idiot. Such an idiot. The way I handled the situation was more than pathetic and I feel lower than dirt. I feel better than some kinds of dirt but not that gravel kind. (SImp quote) Bloody hell, I remember dreaming about apologising to him in the future. I know now that I took advantage, I 'used him' (non-sexually) but still I did. And that was bad. I can't belive he really did like me. Me? It seems so hilariously funny that someone woudl like 'me'. But he did, the real me, not 'this' me now. This hateful me who's been eaten up by this. He was my friend too. Just like David. One of my closest friends and one of the sweetest too. Fucking hell. Really wish I could turn back time.
M.M.W (who is furious with oneself at the momento)
