I feel so safe when I have a blogger. As if nothing can really touch me in this isolation. And that I can choose who reads this or not. And that the people who I have chosen are people who despite certaint traits, I trust so absolutely with what I write. They don't judge me on who or what I complain about and I guess I should be thankful this Christmas for people like that. Sometimes I feel I need a break from all the stupidness of real, normal, waking life and I just need someone to if not really, to poke me, wake me up and make me laugh at thier own acts and let me act as if I don't have to hide my personality or my laughter or my heart from speaking its truth.
And I guess as much as I hate Ame's' (she'll hate me for that) public swearing, Em's EW ifatuation, Mary's constant wickedness, Petrie's philosophical arguments, Jen's midmorning 'Fuck offs!' and MV's loose artiness (that gets me plenty frustrated! She never worries that girl! And yes I know 'worrying is like a rockign chair, gives you somethign to do but you don't get anywhere') I have to be thankful that in this solitude of life they manage to pull me back into reality and save me from the depths of angsty depression when no one else understood or at least wanted to talk to me. My parents are too busy, wrapped up in thier own lives, my sisters trying to get on with her own life and my school friends? I'm not close enough to my IB friends and my other friends? *laugh* I guess I just don't feel like I can talk to them anymore, that we're all just too lost or perhaps its the factionism within the group. There's Sue, Anna and Cathy who have known each other since forever, Carman and Cathy were roomates at MM (with Sue), Anna and Sue have all thier classes together, Alice sseems to bond really well within the group and I...always feel as I play the outsider, the one who fleetingly makes jokes and perhaps makes brief contact within that friendship. Maybe its me...them...but I don't feel as i can confide in them, not as I believed I could...wow, that got depressive fast!
So I guess in this midst of Christmas Eve angst, whereupon my Year 12 looms before me. The last of the last of my childhood and innocence, where every beginning has an end, where we have to decide what to do with the time that is given to us I want to thank all those people who have really helped me overcome some of the hardest parts of my life.

A'mes, thanks. NO, shut up. Don't say 'Fuck me,' just yet. Really, thank you bitch. All I have to say or let be said is this:

"Never below you, never above you, just beside you."
- Dom. Monahan said to Billy Boyd

I know you'll understand.


Emily Jane, (aka: Em) what would I have done without your support? Without your constant attention, without those nice little things you used to send me every week. I know you are in Fiji, playing in the hot sand and admiring the sea but I know that sometime during that peacefullness you're thinking of us and of me. And I want to thank you for that, for thinking of me when no one else would. Thanks, babe.


Mary, darlz. I know you read this because I love getting your e-mails, despite the changing fact of my secret e-mail addresses. I still remember when we met, the night of DV9's opening. And we were so excited. And then I introduced you to Em and you both clicked. We were so happy and although a little stressed now, we are still happy in our little ways. And your humour, and your love, and everything that told me you considered me a friend I am thankful for. (I have a feeling I should have done this around Thanksgiving). So I want a cardboard O.B. at my door stat!


Jen. Need I even say anything but thanks? But I will give you something, which I think is quintessential of our relationship. Friendship is not all about speaking, I'm sure you've noticed.
"A real friend is someone who you can sit in complete silence with and still walk away feeling like you just had the best conversation of your life."


MV, despite everything. Despite that fact that you are older than us and preside over us like a mother hen, you never condescended to think you were above us and I think the rest of us appreciate that as much as it seemed we never cared or took notice. So here, for us I want to thank you and bless you and despite whatever is happening with your family and your choices, know that although invisible as we are, we are here with you to give you as much support as is needed.
"My friend, if I could give you one thing, I would wish for you the ability to see yourself as others see you. Then you would realize what a truly special person you are"


And Petrie. Our newest resident and probably the best person I can discuss my childhood travels with as most of our conversations are about philosophy, the best places to travel (with the occasional! Omg, I've been there...what did you thik of the glazed donuts, etc...) and late night romanticism about our favourite guys. I try not to think of you as a friend of a friend anymore but as a good friend now and tho our friendship been but briefer than I guessed, it is always the quality and not the quantity that matters, dear one.


Ah, I think that's enough for now. I feel close to tears and I need to save this for Saturday where I'm going to cry over the manliness of Orlan...I mean, the sadness that is the end of ROTK. Bugger it all. Thanks. Have a great Christmas.

~ M.M.W ~




Schnugged at 16:40 |