Tuesday, January 6
Current Mood:
Confused.
Current Music: Tell her - Del Amitri (I know, don't say it!)
Why is that everytime I have late night private conversations with Alice we always seem to muddy our calm friendship watesr with psychological discussions in which Alice and I disagree about our friend's relationships? Alice, named (not by me) the perpetual optimist always says our friendship has gotten better yet I always seem to argue the opposite?
Alice: Maybe, but I'd like to think that we still keep in contact. We might just all end up in the same Uni and I feel that because you've been my main group of friends, it's gonna take more than just graduation to break it all up
Me: i really don't think so, no offence.
That. And what irritates is the way everyone not only asks but insinuates that its me really who's distancing myself from the rest of them because of IB. I hate it because never, with my other friends do I discuss work or IB unless they want to know for thier own personal interest or I have a funny story to tell. Sure, Ib is going to be part of my life I'll remember always but I just get sick of thinking about it, especially with my friends. Do we have nothing better to talk about than rejoinder about work?
How many times have I heard a troubled and often icy silence broken by someone asking about a subject they take with another? Now I know that you think this is because I'm irrate that I cannot talk to them about my subjects but its just the way they make it so relevant to our lives. And its always 'pity-talk' when they ask me about IB. Fucking pity talk, it really screws with me. As if talking about it is a chore within itself, they take upon themselves to keep our friendship and remain polite so I can't complain later about how they never really take interest in my life.
I know, its my choice that I did IB and I don't regret it one bit. Not for all its work, not for this insinatued defference between us. It makes it all the worse than it was before, before the fights, before the blame, before the smartness that was so obvious between us. And it grates on my nerves which is probably why sometimes I can't stand seeing them, even Sue sometimes because I am reminded of the many times during the year when I really really hated them for putting me in that position of hating them, for making me irrate to see them. I want to be happy to see them, I want to be glad when I walk into a room to see them and I want them to be glad to see me. But i feel like its not working out and I so much want it to be next year where we'll all be split apart and I won't feel obligated to prolong our friendship. THat's a harsh and horrible and guilty thought.
I've just hated the entire year when everyone kept reminding me with thier work that they couldn't help me because I did IB, or just reminded me that I did IB, or excluded me from talk because a) I didn't do the work or b) they thought I wouldn't understand it because hey, they're working so godamn hard! URGH! I don't think I've had a rant like this in ages. I guess it was good for me to find someone else to relate all this too, including my blog. I mean Ames has really snapped me out of this paranoia I keep getting muddled in, but I can see my other problems and they just keep coming back to me and its making being with them so hard. But at the same time I want to be with them because they are my friends and we've ahd great times before. Lately, I feel its been good but then this all resurfaces and scum and mildew washes over my head and I cannot breath. I know this is selfish and everything but before when I wrote for them, when I used to organise stuff for them I felt so used and taken for granted. It just pissed me off when Cathy kept mentioning I would call her up everyday. I wonder why? Maybe because I felt so estranged from them because they always kept to themselves and never really opened up to me.
I don't know why they'd didnt but I felt I should put in teh effort because hey they're good ppl and as i believed, much better than me so they must have some good reason. So I did, I put in teh effort, even if they never called me back, even if I did stuff and they didn't say thank you. Even when I wrote them stories (shit, nonetheless) and they never read them, or aat least never reviewed or commented other than a few lines of 'it was good'. I put effort and work into that. And this year, this year. Oh. I just gave up. I just got tired of it. I got tired, okay. I had tried for four years and nothing has worked. And I am sick and I am tired and sometimes I just want to kill myself so I can get some rest. IB hasn't helped but this isn't about IB, which I should be able to handle if I could just let this burden of friendship problems just wash away but I can't. I just can't because I still want to be friends. I still want to make this work. I still want to be part of something special. I can't help it, I can't withdraw totally (although I've tried) into this shell and forget about them. I can't because I'm a living and breathing person who craves through her imperfections that which is not being willingly given. Most of all, I want them to be there for me. I don't think I've asked for much, I just wish for once they would be there for me.
*sigh* I'm just tired, okay. And I don't care if they find this and read it because they can yell at me and all give me cold glares and everything, just as long as they let me sleep during it. I'm just so tired.
~ M.M.W ~
