Tuesday, January 27
Current Mood:
Numb.
Feel so disgusted...feel so angry...feel so irrate...feel so...sick, with worry with sadness with desperation. I really don't know what to do.
And its all over my Year 12 timetable. This year is going to be hell with bells. (Oh btw, some next door neighbor just had a heart attack and died. Feh. I didn't know them. *laughs* I just pissed off my mum about that.)
I have six official spares. I may have one for CAS but I doubt it. I all ready miss my hols. Btw, I have four fifth periods so I really have only two spares. And since my friends (VCE) have all done one or two 3/4's, they will have more than 10 spares in two weeks, and sometimes only one subject a day while I am guarenteed more than three each day. Sucks, huh? I feel ravaged, violent and sick...and don't I deserve it?
So I'm asking whoever, when do I get a break? I'm not particularly as smart as them or as good-lookin *laughs* so why do I have to suffer? Where's their sufferage? God, I'm being absolutely self-centric. Its horrible. No ones online so I have no one to bitch too unless its Jen, but she's got enough problems on her head. I am going to work my ass off this year. Oh god, I hate it all ready. So what's the good news?
Good News: I have three classes with Sarah. I know there are at least 39 other students screaming about their timetables too. I know that I'm going to have to work around this schedule now that my friends won't be at school so often. So this is it, this is where the distance starts. I predict with absolute certainity and fortitude that I will not be so good a friend with my VCE friends from now on...wait...I should put this under the BIG BAD news, the distance will start and I cannot deny that it hasn't all ready. I guess in a way, this is good for me. It will make me work, but it will make me hate them because they won't be worked dry, they will sleep in and laugh and have fun while I drudge through this year with overwhelming dread that I might fail, that I will not get into Med, that none of my dreams will come true...
So in this over-thorough, fascist, capitalist, pig-style society I feel utterly devalued, I feel utterly alone and depressed and thorougly sick. Its a wonder why people spend so much time analysing depressants and suicides, its so easy. Trying living one day of our lives, with all our wonders and dreams and hopes so utterly repressed under the hands of those goverment hedonistic dictators. Fie! Fie!
~ M.M.W ~
PS: Reminder, print out timetable. Write extended essay and don't eat dinner. Oh wonderful. I'm going to be anorexic and dead by the end of this year. But at least I'll have lost 21 grams. - _- Yeah, I know. God, I'm going to hate my friends and its going to eat at my soul until there'll be nothing left. I need something. Just something to make me happy for once in my entire, fucking, life.
