Saturday, January 10
Current Mood:
Peaceful.
Woo hoo. Have lost 'gained' kilo. Go me! Now just can't gain it again. Go me! Back to Math Summs.
I live in a place that I've never seen. Have you ever watched a crystal in the light? A thousand beams of color, glimmering, glittering, sparkling;; it's breath taking. I am watching my veins collapse, one by one. my skin is turning heather grey & my lips are fading from pink to cold, icy blue. I'm running, but the blood is fleeting quickly & my heart rate is slowing down. I look down at my wrists & the little blue streams, they're disappearing so quickly. There's nothing left to slit;; this is the moment I've been waiting for. And so I just keep running, because I know I am not going to get anywhere, because I never do, because I don't care anymore.
I start vomiting & all at once it's like a relief. I feel myself falling up to the ground, to the heavens, to the nothingness. It all falls away & I say my thank you's & good bye's as the last of my blood seeps into the dirt.
It's the circle of life, of death. I will never glisten. It wasn't meant to be that way.
I read this book called Spoonface Steinbergh by Lee Hall. Its (okay you've heard this before) a terminally ill girl with cancer and how she interprets it and the world around her. Its really beautiful in its telling, as if I can hear the girl's head in my voice spewing serious statements as if they were butterflies. It drags in God quite a lot (the girl is autistic and Jewish, or is assumed, and she loves opera.) but the ending is so absolutely perfect (won't spoil it). I tried listening to opera while I was reading, it works. The operatic, tragic lilt of the voices around me, pierced by the tiny pipe of the girl's in my head. Nearly brought me to tears. Its very sweet and such a good little book to snuggle up to on a cold rainy day (which hasn't been had for a while).
once again, have written way too much and Ames is yelling at me to go do work (she's popped on to check e-mail, or so she says. She's probably just chatting to Josh!! *ducks* Muahaha. You betta hope Em doesn't tell him about my blog!)
~ M.M.W who says to Ames 'That's what you get for telling me wat to do, ma homie! Muah. ~
