Thursday, January 8
Okay. This is too funny. Have to post fav bits. ANd it keeps AMes from bugging me.
EDORAS
LEGOLAS: The sky wears a film of gauze. The night air breathes infamy. Deceit weaves itself around my fingernails.
ARAGORN: What the hell is that? Poetry? I pay you to do two things: shoot stuff, and look pretty. If you have something to tell me, tell me in normal words.
LEGOLAS: Fine. S-A-U-R-O-N is H-E-R-E. Simple enough for you, numbskull?
ROHIRRIM CAMP, LATER
EOWYN: I love you.
ARAGORN: Me? What? Oh. Um...listen, Ellen...
EOWYN: Eowyn.
ARAGORN: Right, Eowyn. You're a fine-looking woman, and I'm sure somebody will say to you someday, "Erin -"
EOWYN: *Eowyn*.
ARAGORN: "Eowyn...you're the only woman for me. Be my wife."
EOWYN: But it won't be you.
ARAGORN: Exactly! It won't be me. I'm glad we understand each other. Well kiddo, I've got to go. The Paths of the Dead beckon.
EOWYN: Don't do it! You'll never survive!
ARAGORN: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.
MINAS TIRITH
DENETHOR: So here's my plan: a barbecue. Featuring smoked and roasted stewards of Gondor. Obey me or die, people!
PIPPIN: Ohhh-kay, crazy man alert.
PIPPIN runs off to get help. DENETHOR gets busy pouring flammable stuff all over himself and FARAMIR.
DROOLING FANGIRLS: Oooh! Unconscious Faramir covered in oil! The things I could do with THAT scenario!
(Mel Edit: I can so see Alice thinking this!)
OUTSIDE MINAS TIRITH
Black Ships sail up, with ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, and DEAD PEOPLE aboard, and save the day.
AUDIENCE: Oh, come on. Orlando Bloom as the token pretty-boy on a ship full of ghosts - yeah, we saw that over the summer. Next!
(Mel Edit: WAHAHAHAHA! *falls over laughing*)
WITCH KING dies. EOWYN collapses. MERRY wanders off somewhere.
PIPPIN finds him under an Orc.
PIPPIN: Merry! Long time no see!
MERRY: Hello, Pippin. (cough) Would you believe I...got lucky with a hot Rohirrim chickie?
PIPPIN: Er...no. No, Merry, I wouldn't. I'm sorry; I want to humor you when you're this hurt; but no, that's really quite beyond the realm of credibility.
MERRY: Then how do you explain this...(cough)...lipstick on my armor?
PIPPIN: (cry of disbelief) No fair! And all I got was an oily unconscious steward!
MORDOR
FRODO and SAM stumble into view wearing Orc gear. AUDIENCE bursts into giggles.
AUDIENCE: Somehow I don't think this is supposed to be funny, but it is.
FRODO: I'm forlorn. Desolate. Wretched.
SAM: Very eloquent, sir. Here I was just going to say, "This place sucks."
GOLLUM: Wait! Lassst chance! You know you want to sssee how pretty Ring looks on my toe, you know you do! Give it to us!
SAM: How about I pound your head with a rock instead?
FRODO: Know what? Change of plans. I'm not throwing it into the volcano.
SAM: Yes you are.
FRODO: No, I have a new idea: I'm going to take over the world. All shall love me and despair.
SAM: But I already love you and despair.
GOLLUM: Smeagol will take over world with you, yes yes! Give it to us!
FRODO: No!
GOLLUM: Yes!
FRODO: NO!
GOLLUM: YES! (chomp)
FRODO: Ow!!
GOLLUM falls triumphantly into fiery chasm from whence Ring came, taking FRODO's finger and the Ring with him. SAM hauls FRODO out of the special Place To Throw Stuff Into Lava room. They find temporary refuge from flowing molten rock on a boulder.
FRODO: Hey, I can remember the Shire again! Small comfort, considering we seem to have about five minutes to live.
SAM: It's a shame. Now I'll never get to marry Rosie Cotton.
FRODO: (startled) YOU want to marry a girl? Really?
SAM: Aye. Why is that so hard to believe?
FRODO: It's just - er - well - you know, I think I must have misinterpreted several things you've said over the past couple decades, Sam. Forgive me.
SAM: No matter. Could you hold me in your arms before we die, sir?
FRODO: See - like that statement, right there. Oh, who cares...
FRODO holds SAM in his arms. They pass out, but GIANT EAGLES rescue them.
WISEACRES IN AUDIENCE: So, how come the eagles didn't just pick them up in Rivendell and carry them straight to Mount Doom in the first place? Why did they have to WALK?
REST OF AUDIENCE: Shhh.
(Mel Edit: I actually have an answer for that! Did they forget the eye of Sauron? Or the Nazgul? C'mon!)
MINAS TIRITH
GANDALF: Hello, Frodo. Thanks for doing all the dirty work. Saved our butts, let me tell you.
FRODO: Gandalf! You're alive! Gimli! You're alive! Legolas! You too! Aragorn! Merry! Pippin! ...Okay, I'm starting to get tired. Are there many more of you?
MINAS TIRITH AGAIN
ARAGORN is getting coronated. Which should be a word, if it isn't. He clears his throat and starts singing in Elvish.
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: Jeez, people sing a lot in this movie.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Hah. That's nothing. You ought to read the book.
LEGOLAS steps out, wearing bridal white and a coy smile. He and ARAGORN gaze into one another's eyes.
LEGOLAS: Are you ready to kiss your bride, my lord?
ARAGORN: Heck yeah. Come here, you.
LEGOLAS steps aside and lets ARWEN in.
ARAGORN: Oh! Arwen! Right. Wow, hi. Heh. Uh - come here, you.
ARAGORN kisses ARWEN. WATCHING ELVES smile as if the sight of a bristly-faced human tonguing a pristine Elf doesn't turn their stomachs.
FARAMIR: The only thing that would make this day better would be meeting an attractive, single noblewoman. Oh, well.
EOWYN: The only thing that would make this day better would be meeting an attractive, single nobleman. Oh, well.
(Mel Edit: Bwahaha. Can't wait for extended edition.)
GREY HAVENS
GANDALF: I will not say, 'Do not weep,' for not all tears are an evil.
AUDIENCE: Good, because that's all we've been doing for the last three hours.
FRODO: Goodbye, Pippin. I'm glad you found your courage. Goodbye, Merry. I'm glad you got to wear horse-themed armor. Sam...
FRODO hugs SAM.
FRODO: I think I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow.
FRODO kisses SAM on the forehead. FANATICAL FRODO/SAM SHIPPERS stop sobbing for a moment and perk up.
FRODO/SAM SHIPPERS: Oh, hey! I totally need to screencap that and turn it into an LJ icon. (Mel Edit: And has been done. Here. Btw, is not mine. Is XXSAVEXX from lj)
SAM, however, is still weeping.
SAM: Can't I come join you, someday?
FRODO: Let's not talk about that. The audience doesn't need comforting with such pitiful little shreds of hope. Goodbye, my friends.
FRODO smiles as he sails away, at peace in the knowledge that he never again has to get up at five a.m. to have the makeup people put hobbit feet on him.
(Mel Edit: Too true. Too true. That's all Elijah Wood complained about. Getting up early. Well he never went to school, so he can't complain. *sticks out tongue* Stupid hobbit.)
AUDIENCE: (sobbing) I can't believe it's over. What do I have left to live for now?
PETER JACKSON: Well, there's the extended version, due out in
November. Complete with silly outtakes - I promise! And then someday there's the full-extra-special boxed set of 241 DVD's. And eventually there's that musical they're making...
AUDIENCE: November?? (crumples to the ground, weeping) You rip out my heart and tear it to shreds and mash it into the sticky popcorn on the theater floor, and then try to console me with freaking outtakes in freaking November?? I hate you, I hate you...I hate you...(*sniffle*)...Can we come back and see it again tomorrow?
PETER JACKSON: Of course you can, precious.
There's also a link to the TTT, go blow your mind here.
~ M.M.W ~
