Monday, June 7
Current Mood:
Giddy.
Well, I've finally achieved a very long late night convo with my!bestest dears, Em, Ames and Mary. Mary has sent me two of the lost trailers. They look good. Plus Dom Monahan is in it (Merry from LOTR). I think I mentioned this previously. WhoO! He finally has work. Btw, did I mention that Zach Braff is like directing/writing/producing and starring in this movie called Gardenstate. I really want to see it. Pooie! *zooms off to Egberts*
Meanwhile, Em's sent me this uproarious, hilarious 15 minute version of Troy. Omg! It is so funny! There's also a Van Helsing one. I'll post my fav bits from them. BRB...in LESS than 15.
~ Troy ~
Some Voiceover
ODYSSEUS: If there's one thing we Greek heroes hope, it's that you remember us.
AUDIENCE: EEEE!! IT'S BOROMIR! SQUEEEE! HI, BOROMIR!
ODYSSEUS: ...That's not exactly what I meant.
ACHILLES: IS THERE NO ONE ELSE?
THESSALIAN ARMY: *averts eyes, kicks dirt*
HELEN [weepy]: I can't wear it because I'm sort of already married to that other guy but we've been doing the royal nasty for a week already anyway and you're going to leave tomorrow and WAHHHHH.
PARIS: You could stow away and come with me and start a war that will end up killing 90% of the cast and totally be the downfall of my people and my kingdom!
HELEN: *sniff* I think… that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.
HECTOR: Have you ever killed anyone?
PARIS: No.
HECTOR: Have you ever thought about killing anyone?
PARIS: No.
HECTOR: Do you even know which hand the sword goes in?
PARIS: . . .
HECTOR: *facepalm*
THETIS: Well, if you stay here, you'll have a wonderful life with a wonderful wife and tons of kids, and they'll all remember your fabulousness.
ACHILLES: Score!
THETIS: But then, after they're all dead, you'll be completely forgotten.
ACHILLES: Next option.
THETIS: If you go to Troy, you will never come home because your glory is tied to your doom, but you will be remembered forever and ever and ever. Is that what you want?
ACHILLES: Hmmm. We've established that I'm a complete famewhore, so the word I am looking for here is... YES.
EUDORUS: It's the Trojan prince! Let's kill him!
ACHILLES: Let him go.
EUDORUS: Why? If we kill him now…
ACHILLES: ...there won't be a movie, so let him go.
Outside Greek-Camp-by-the-Sea, Dawn
HECTOR: RELEASE THE ARROWS OF FLAME!
FLAMING ARROWS: *cover the beach*
HECTOR: UNLEASH THE GIANT BALLS OF TWINE!
GIANT BALLS OF TWINE: *tumble down hill*
GREEKS: Giant flaming balls of twine! Run for your lives!!
Palace Backyard, Troy
Paris is practicing archery on a nice straw man nailed up to the wall. He hits bull's-eye after bull's-eye.
HELEN: Wow, I had no idea you were so good at this.
PARIS: Neither did I. Weird, isn't it? And I really want lembas now.
HELEN: What?
ACHILLES: HECTORRRRRRRR!
HECTOR: *puts on his armor slowly and dramatically*
ACHILLES: HECTORRRRRRRR!
HECTOR: *reads the paper, gets a shoeshine*
ACHILLES: HECTORRRRRRRR!
HECTOR: I'm here, I'm here!
PARIS: *shoots Achilles in the heel*
BRISEIS: NOOOOOO!
PARIS: *gets his Legolas on, shoots Achilles 15 more times*
BRISEIS: PARIS, NOOOOOOOOOO!
PARIS: OH MY GOD, I FINALLY DO SOMETHING GOOD AND PEOPLE STILL YELL AT ME!
ACHILLES: Briseis, it's okay. Go with Paris. In the middle of war, you gave me peace. Or sex. Or something. It was real, yo.
Tragic Scene of Flaming Funeral
Odysseus torches Achilles' body while all the Greeks stand in the burnt-out ruins of Troy and watch.
ODYSSEUS: My brother...my captain...my-
SOME GREEK: Pssst! Wrong movie!
ODYSSEUS: Shit, sorry about that.
OUR LADY OF SOUNDTRACK SORROW: WOOOOOHHHHHOOOOOHHHHH!
ODYSSEUS: So, please remember all the Greek heroes, because that’s what we died for. Not for greed or lust or hubris, but so that people would remember… our greed, and our lust, and our hubris. And, in conclusion: Cousins. They were totally cousins.
FIN.
~ Van Helsing ~
Valerious Manor, East Budafuck
CARL: Hugh Jackman's running around in leather and tight pants, and I'm the one who gets laid?
MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!
The vampire chicks save the carriage, except that the brunette one isn't strong enough and flies away, and the redhead chick is totally gutted by a stake bomb inside when it hits the ground, because it was... wait, what?
MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!
Other Side of East Budafuck
Van Helsing and his horses meet up with Anna and the real carriage with Carl and the Creature. Or something. And then Velkanwolf catches up with them. Or something. And then the roof of the carriage catches on fire. Or something.
VELKANWOLF: I KEEL YOU, BIATCH!
VAN HELSING: I spin around atop a moving, burning carriage and shoot at you in Matrix slo-mo!
VELKANWOLF: *dies*
ANNA: YOU KILLED MY BROTHER! YOU BASTARD!
VAN HELSING: Look, I thought we settled this! Bunch of pixels!
ANNA: Oh, my God! Velkanwolf bit you!
VAN HELSING: Oh, fuck.
Roxula's Halloween Party
Everyone is masked. Cirque du Soleil is bendy. Carl is dressed like a jester, and Van Helsing is dressed like an acrobat, because that's all Fine Costume Rentals of Buchapest had left.
SOME VAMPIRE: So we're not really trading the princess?
ROXULA: What, do I look stupid?
Igor paddles away with the Creature in tow. Our heroes doggy-paddle in a moat behind a gate, hanging onto Anna's couture gown/flotation device.
VAN HELSING: We're coming to save you! We'll rescue you!
THE CREATURE: Whatever, asshole.
The scrap does unlock the door, which turns into a mirror, which turns into a portal, which leads to...
ANNA: My God! It's a matte painting!
MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!
HELSINGWOLF: *claws go snick*
ROXULA: NO FAIR STEALING FROM OTHER MOVIES!
HELSINGWOLF: Dude, this whole movie is stolen from other movies.
ROXULA: Wait! Stop! We could be friends! I could tell you all the stuff you've forgotten!
HELSINGWOLF: Like what?
ROXULA: Like the time you bit my finger off and took my ring!
HELSINGWOLF: Dude, what are you even talking about?
ROXULA: . . .
Helsingwolf chomps on Roxula and kills him. Anna races in with the antidote syringe, but Helsingwolf throws her on a nearby velvet sofa, the staple of every mad scientist's laboratory--
CARL: Hey! I know you're jealous that I got some, but this is no time for--
--and jumps on her. Slowly he backs away, empty syringe sticking out of his perfect, furry abs. But woe! Anna lies dead on the sofa.
CARL: Oh my God! You... you smushed her to death!*
Helsingwolf picks up Dead Anna, throws back his head, and emits a brokenhearted AROOOOOOOOOOO as he changes back to a half-naked man. Anna remains dead from smush.
They burn Anna's body. Up in the sky, the Valerious family is reunited in wispy cloud formations. The wind is heard to whisper, Mufaaaaaaaasa...
VAN HELSING (tearful): She was the only woman who ever liked killing things as much as I do.
CARL: Don't worry. We'll go down to the pound and pick you out a nice new love interest for the sequel.
MUSIC: Dundundundundundundun DUN DUH! DUN DUH!! DUN DUH DUN DUH DUN DUHHHH!!!!
~ Fin ~
That's enough from me.
