Saturday, July 10
I remembered what I was going to post. It was the d&m thing.
For the previous number of nights, I haven't been to bed earlier than 3, yes 3, a.m. Now that seems strange but its true. I've started to be frightened of sleep.
Anyway, last night I had this most horrific dream. It was what some might call a 'friend-mare'.
So I'm at this royal galla or what not, on my computer. And why I didn't realise this was a dream, I don't know. WE coudl always stick to the theory that we accept the reality that is presented to us because we are always seeking security and ignorance (except for those few curiousity-did-not-kill-the-cat).
Anyhoo, Carman, Sue and a few other people were also there. All on their computers too. Chatting away. [Okay, this is a bit garbled because I've forgotten most of it, thanks to my lovely far-from-retentive memory] However, they start chatting to one another, without me. Now up till now, everythings been good (i won't relate to you earlier moments because some are embarassing and i've forgotten the rest} yet suddenly, their conversation starts popping up onto my computer.
Car: I hate Melissa. I really wish she would just leave us alone.
Sue: Yeah. Me too.
Somehow I smile. DOn't say anything and I'm about to walk away. But the betrayal is too much and I just snap. *clicks fingers* Like that. I smash the table, throw the computers off and begin accusing them, yelling at them. Something, btw, I would never do, hence the dream-like eleviated state. I accuse them of betrayal, lies. And they just sit there impassively, staring back, never denying it, not trying to quieten me. Sue's face is pinched. Carman's is angry. But I keep on screaming. The whole gala is quiet.
I finish. Completely vented. And Carman just looks back, she looks tired and only mildly annoyed. But there's this smugness. A smugness I've never seen on her face before, but on someone else's that I've always seen and I start to begin to get clammy with fear.
Car: Now you know. What'cha going to do about it?
And then I flee. Crying. Feeling absolutely betrayed. It gets a bit hazy after that. But the crazy thing is, I completely believed in it. I can still feel the remnants of emotion now, curdling at the base of my stomach like the food I had last night. Perhaps its the betrayal. Perhaps its that smug look, the intermingling of Carman's face with hers. I don't know. Or perhaps its the fact that I could believe in it, that I could believe that they were capable of that, they are capable of doing it right now and I have no idea. Carman? Sue? Its crazy but I believed in it. I was exposed there. It seems stupid now, and I laugh at it, but its a nervous laugh because there's psychological truth behind it. The laughter is the thin ice facade, barely incarcerating the fire behind it.
I don't want to sleep anymore.
~ M.M.W ~
