Current Mood: Distressed
Current Music: Beethoven - Piano Sonanta No.23 in F Major

I, yes me, organised Valedictory tables...with dictation from Jen. But! Nevertheless, I still wrote it down, sent it in, intiated our cordial table of twelve without having to put D-zero on our table. Thank God.

So who's our your table, asked the fair Ames. And fairly, I answered.
Mua, Sue, Carman, Anna, Cathy (the usuals suspects) then Sarah, the two Jens, Ying, Sylvie, Sharon and Xia. Wow, isn't this like the formal table only...I'm there? Pfft.

Argh. JoBlo just released more Vanity Fair pictures, and me, being a picture-ho (Ames: So true.) must cap. It is killing me. Sorry, iconisise. They're goregous. I'll be back to ya as soon as I've made one. Wait....Back. A while later. Here it is. Goregous isn't it? I think its okay. There are a few things I would change but I can't be f-guked. So lets just leave it flawed. The flawed the better. (As Becky is) Vanity Fair is released this Wednesday. In the States. Damn.

I haven't come to many revelations lately, only really vivid dreams. Today, we had to mark an essay in Psychology and knowing me, Steph and Jen, we were pretty harsh markers (although I was a little lenient). This girl, who did btw, an atrocious essay, got a 17/20. I was stunned. I gave it a 13. That's how shocking it was. I was pretty mad too, considering her mark. I mean, even D-zero's essay would be better...actually, I don't know.

Today was nice and a waste of my time. I could have been home at 12:40. But NOOO! Of course, our house-teachers didn't tell us that we didn't have house meetings...OR...that my Spanish teacher was not repeat not going to show up for fourth. Argh. Damn. I could have been home doing homework. Dang. But yeah, I stayed up to watch the closing ceremony. Well the Olympics is over, I think we did quite well though considering everything. I mean, if we did have a population the size of America, I'm sure we would always come first.

And on a weird note, did you know that to complement the seven sins there are seven virtues?
Temperance, Charity, Hope, Faith, Fortitude, Justice, and Prudence. Weird. They're all like common names for girls. Nm, most girls are called Gluttony though. Maybe as a nic.

Night.

~ M.M.W ~

PS: Its raining shit and piss out there. That's going to be keep me up doing essays. And oh! On the Yearbook front, profile page done. Except I need to do everyone's head. Darn.
Schnugged at 22:55 |

Current Mood: Fighting
Current Music: Faure - Cantique De Jean Racine (Cambridge Singers)

MC Crowbar(me): Study-time!

Right now, at this very moment I should be in bed, safely alseep, tucked in my stuffed toys and smiling as I dream. Unfortunately I am not.

I am up, finishing this damn survey that has taken me all weekend (and still isn't looking finished) and trying not to stress out that my mocks are in three weeks. THREE FUCKING WEEKS! AHHHH. *screams* Okay, me is calm. In other news, the yearbook is coming along nicely. Remind me, Ames, I need to go to Snap Printing tommorow or pretty soon. I need to check out how much this is going to cost us so I can divide and stretch budget. Shit.

Have been iconisising and have produced one beautiful icon. So beautiful, my eyes just pause to admire it. It was a lot of fucking work and I adore it. I even posted in a community. No I won't tell you, EM and that doesn't mean I'm suddenly making you EW icons. Hell, I've only made one of OB. Its on photobucket account, if you're interested. Along with all my other beautiful new ones I'm so damn proud of. *congratulates self* Well, well. I'm finally good at something. Well not really, you should see the stuff my fellow-iconers do. Wow.

I am loving classical music at the moment. Beethoven's sonatas and Gershwin. I'm moving on to opera actually, after listening to Spoonface Steinberg. Operatta voices really strike at the core of my heart. There's something heart-aching about the piano and those heavenly notes only castrati can reach. Truly, Rice's "voices of heaven". That and Amadeus. Really got me into classical. Although I don't mind being interrupted with Estelle or Amy Lee. Nice break.

Well here's a nice break: Meme: Ten Best Books That Everyone Should Read Okay here goes, darlings (not in any ranking order).

1. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
2. 253, Geoff Ryman
3. Belgariad/Mallorean, David Eddings
4. Contest, Mathew Reilly
5. White Teeth, Zadie Smith
6. Catseye, Margaret Atwood
7. Death of a Salesman, Arthur Miller
8. BlackAdder Scripts, Richard Curtis, Ben Elton, Rowan Atkinson
9. Draco Trilogy, Cassandra Claire
10. Paradise Lost, John Milton

Now, I know MV especially will say that Death is a play and that some of these *cough*DracoTrilogy*cough* aren't books, well in some warped way in my mind, they should/are books so shud!dupa you. Right now, to me these are the books everyone should read. Sure I have others, admittedly either for characters or pure fun but they are books that I can pick up at any instance and read and a) they either touch me on some deep level or b) they are comforting and "home". Disagree, go ahead, but they're mine. *clutches*

Now piss off, y'all. We have work to do and I need to go to sleep-bies.

~ M.M.W ~

[Edit]
Wait. Don't piss off. I just, well Mary found this extremely cool thing, us being two closet-RL (real-life) LOTR fanatics as we are. She was helping me find some photos and she came across Ian McKellan's scrapbook of photos from LOTR. He has quite a few of Orlando Bloom, I must say.

Cute. And oh, just makes me envious again. I'd do anything to turn back time and be in NZ when they were shooting. Even if I were one of those growling orcs...anything to be near him...I mean, there. Yes. There. Enjoying the scenery. *gulps*

Mary: Hee. *emails Ames*
Me: Oh you! *glomps* Off to bed with ya, little hobby (kid hobbit in Em-speak).

Schnugged at 23:51 |

Current Mood: Touched
Current Music: Estelle - 1980

1980 year that God made me
89 I stared to get mine
99 I started to write rhymes
Come, walk with me baby this were my life


I can't decide what is more adorable. Sue's baby photos. Awww! Or Orlando Bloom on a mini bike with seriously, you must admit, the most adorable smile. Even I as a female, wish I had a smile like that. Its like the smile in books that truly "warms your heart".

Truly. Anyhoo, this weekend I'm quite busy guys so don't bother writing me messages. This is pretty much the only time I'm getting online unless it is to do extra research (Damn history!), so don't bother me. Sorry. This is probably trivial anyway because you're all studying too. Bother. But I know you'll check this anyway and want to procrastinate, Ames especially after seeing the picture so yeah, dudes. Lots of work, not to mention damn yearbook. Argh. I can't get the colours right and I nearly threw a fit. Instead I just jarred my knuckles on the keyboard. Owwies.

I get photos of Kenshin soon! Yayies. And The SIMS 2 COMES OUT ON THE 14...YAYness! I wish I could pre-order but it my parents found out they would go bizaro. Yuck. Anyway, back to work. Talk to ya kiddies next week.

~ M.M.W ~



Schnugged at 13:31 |

Current Mood: Lonely
Current Music: Finley Quaye - Dice (8 min)

Basically movie news, so flit away, Em. No EW here. (alas no sin city updates! woe.)

Okay, first off...does everybody remember Rance, well someone up there or down there *points to ground*, decided to be real swell and somehow convince one of my favourite directors to start a blog.
Oh yeah baby! Quentin Tarantino. Okay, shuddup. I know it hasn't been truly confirmed (I have to contact Miramax!) but it truly sounds like him (right down to the 'alright's). Ahhh!

*calms*
In other news:

Aeon Flux cast revealed. Celeborn from LOTR, Frances McDormand is playing the Handler, Sophie Okenedo (Ace Ventura 2) and that's about all the names, cept for Charlize. oooh! Once again, proving my point about Oscar Winners (needing to take up a cartoon character after winning, rebellious dudette!). Except this should be damn good!

No. No. No. Wayans brothers to remake The Munsters. Come cry with me. Lets cry, lets cry away!

Oh and new set pics from GOF. Well they're all back...despite their airs and ways. Hah. Check it here.

Enough.

~ M.M.W ~

Schnugged at 20:47 |

Well, well.
It does seem that our Bloomie although unqualified, has skills in other vocations.
Don't believe me, Em?

*smirks* Check out Bloomie, the journalist!

~ M.M.W ~
Schnugged at 23:52 |

Current Mood: Uncomfortable
Current Music: Library mumrurrings and Sarah making sound effects as she eats her illegal crunchie.

Two things. Okay...I lie, many things.

Check out my Ellie Saab triute. *points to right*

There are truly many things which I would wish to discuss but I cannot. Some are pretty terrible, others highly amusing (although superficial) and others...well, we can't take that chance can we, beau?

Yesterday was nice. I wasn't dreading it or anything but I have to admit it was pretty nice except for the shoe bit.
While Melbourne was terribly complex, crowded and down-right unimpressive. I was pretty irate and there was, today, a general consenus that Melbourne was terrible. Just discussing it with Sarah now and it is pissing me off. I am so leaning towards Melbourne and as much as SUe wants to sway us, I don't think I can put Melbourne down. Sure its in the city but then again, argh...

I have my VTAC meeting this week and my parents have been urging me to decide and tell them what I'm going to do. I have some idea, I can't say none, but I think the fact that I'm undecided is making me fluctuate in terms of my marks.

Okay now our group is bigger. It used to be me, Sarah and Sara. But now we've got Jen, Ying and Diana. And we're going through what's hard and what's not hard. Argh. And back to subjects and courses in school.

Ying: What do you say? The answer is wrong or the answer is wrongly.
Me: Wrong.
Ying: No! Its wrongly! Wrongly!


Yeah. Okay. Enough. The thing that got me pissed off today was Cathy's statement/pity: "You'll be all alone! Aww!" After finding out that I'd be all by myself, of course, since everyone else has a sac. ARGH! Okay, I don't care that I'm alone. I really don't. I was quite prepared to be alone but now I'm sitting here, with five other people and I'm not complaining. So the fact that Cathy thinks that I have no one else but them really pisses me off. I am pitiable and she can just shut the hell up. Her condescension and dopplegangerish is just pissing me off. I can't help it. If there's anything, then its self-fufilling pity especially when the person gets off on it. So I do my best...but sometimes the best is really quite hard. And ooh...Sue is pushing my buttons too. I'm not going to say why but after spending so long, trying to reassure her that everything was going to be okay I recieve the shit-treatment.

In other news...coming soon this blog, near you!

~ M.M.W ~



Schnugged at 13:09 |

Ame's sent me the funniest thing which in total realisticity, I have to agree with.
Orlando Bloom is such a big fat whore. And I mean it. I never realised till now (Em: *points to various RPS sites*) - shush you! - but yes, he is a bit of a touchy-feely guy. I mean when you can actually get touchy and feely with Geoffrey Rush and Hugo Weaving...well babe, you need it bad.

Check it out, here. It had me seriously fall off the chair laughing. I couldn't help it, really lmaorofl.

My evidence!


Haha.

~ M.M.W ~
Schnugged at 23:40 |

Current Mood: Working
Current Music: Timo Maas - To Get Down (Courtesy of my sister)

How do you know whether you have Bipolar Disorder?

1) Do you have very severe and frequent mood swings?
2) When you are at your lowest, do you enjoy taking pot shots at people?
3) When you feel very bad, do you actually verbally abuse people around you?
4) When you feel very good, you enjoy pairing people up for the littlest of interaction they have with each other (e.g Harry passing book to Beattie.)
5) Do people around you think you have permanent PMS?
6) If you are a guy, do people think you have male menopause?
7) Do you feel like you are at the top of the world in one moment and depressed like bull in another?
8) Do you enjoy laughing like an evil villian at the top of your voice? e.g Muahaha!
9) Do you enjoy belittling people? E.g calling people "hobbit"
10) Do you enjoy generally venting your anger on everyone around you except yourself?

Well, that explains my psych teacher, Mr. M!!!
Heh. Actually, we (meaning me, Jen, Katrina, Adele...and well, Suzanne) were discussing the reason for his mood swings outside of Chem and bi-polar came up during the discussion. Interesting, no?


~

News??

Darling, there has been little movie news except:
Spielburg and Cruise to head up most expensive movie ever ($200 mil), according to Neil Gaiman: 'Vampire Lestat' musical, oh and the upcoming movies of 2005 of which none have me majorly hyped:

1)Batman Haven't I talked about this before? Bale, okay except for the incident at ComicCon I'm not too worried but then again...its been such a long time since there was a Batman. Hm.
2)Brothers Grimm I think that's Matt Damon and someone else, lemme go find out. Well it sounds okay even though I've read a real bad review of it but nm. It sounds okay, not comedy tho. Oh yeah, its Heath Ledger. *shudders* Terry Gilliam, tho!
3)The Fountain Sounds good. Why? Well a) it has Arronofsky from Requiem helming b)And it said goodbye to Pitt for Jackman. Well done!
4)Mr and Mrs Smith Considered to be two hotties of Hollywood, Jolie and Pitt pair off as assassins at competing organisations.
5) War of the Worlds Spielburg and Cruise. Hah! (Yes Em, that's all I'm saying!)
6)King Kong Well, considering its premise I'll still go see it. Why? Because its directed by my all time fav, Peter Jackson and also it starrs a great cast, including Jack Black who I believe, if ever there was a documentary made about either Moore (heh, documentary about documenterer) or Jackson, Black could do it.
7)Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith Oh great. Another year of Hayden Christensen and sand and George Lucus emanating racism. Great.
8)Sin City Mentioned earlier, if there's anything that gets my ticker going than its hugely populated casts who I love. This is it.

That's about it!

~

Yesterday, among my varous emailia (pun off paraphenalia, nm) from friends, got a letter from my cousin Sunny who is the nicest person in the world. She's had such a hard life but I love her. If anyone ever hurt her, grrrrrrrr!! And of course, she has a son named Kenshin who although stinky, is playful and such a darling. And omg, I love his name! (Anime! *squeals*)
Anyway, she just got back from her trip to China and is sending me the pictures of her and Kenshin. I can't wait!! Woo.

~

This week has been so hard and long. I had to hand in my two internal assessments, Psych and History, possibly the hardest ones and have to re-hand them in again since I stuffed them up. Last night I actually got bags. And by the end of the day was falling off my chair. So today I've slummed it in preparation for heavy studying (after getting back from Melbourne) tommorow. Good luck to me. I'll catch up on my history reading tonight and hope there's no good movies on tommorow. Damn it. Oh and I still have to work on the Yearbook, mostly by myself because Sue is barely contributing. Don't mean to sound mean but she's not really helping and its getting on my nerves. That and Cathy hasn't responded to a single e-mail this yeak and has been a bit of a beatch to me. Grrrrrrrr. *counts to 10*

*explodes*

~

Last note.
Icon frenzy at the time. I'm competing with Em to make an awesome icon and its hard. But I've only done some so far and my first public icon post (in a community! Woo!) didn't work so yes, I'm about to go re-post and then have dinner and do all that shit before heading off to bed and preparing for tommorow. *yawns* So here's some. Enojado!


~ M.M.W ~
Schnugged at 17:22 |

Hey! New layout!! Woo. Happier than black (am revamping lj as well). Anyway, also made doll off Candybar. Isn't she hot? Okay, jpg sucks but picasa is free hosting so meh...
~ M.M.W ~
ETA: Got new image host! Finally!!!
Schnugged at 22:35 |

Current Mood: Bored

Deadville

What a place! That reminds me of analysing (sorry Dr. P, evaluating!) Whats Eating Gilbert Grape and how 'Endville' was representative of the 'dead end' of Gilbert's life. But nm, that's not important anymore.

SO I'm sitting in English, trying so hard not to listen and reading up on Ames' e-mails. They're pretty pointless, everything right now. I'm just so tired and my friends are making me tired. I've dedicated myself to this Year Book but they're not helping and I'm afraid that I'll get dragged in under it, annoying everyone to bring things.
I want to be a brick wall which they can knock against forever but which they won't break down. Never. Even those from behind, my knees are crumbling I don't want them to know. Not one bit.

*sigh* Oh Cathy. You are really really really really really pissing me off at the moment. Sometimes you are so deliberately cruel, so terrible to me. Sometimes I think you are worse than Christina, Suzanne, May Yen, and all those other bitches in the whole world, just because I still like you and you always make me feel bad for you, as if I ever said something cruel to you...it would be very wrong.
Your attitude to me all the time is grumpy, bitch and just plain catty. I mean, sure Carman's been a bitch to me but its been obvious, Alice and I have had the worst fights but I know when Alice hates me. But you? Just say it, let everyone know.
Just scream it the world.

I just want to know why. Or perhaps, maybe I will need to push. Just a little over the edge and maybe then, we can meet on the same terms. Finally. Because I won't forgive you forever.

~ M.M.W ~

[Edit] I only realised now how witty and cool it would have been if I linked the end part right back to my start (as you do in school) thus: So what's eating you about me, cathy? vis a vi making some sort of point. If any!
Schnugged at 12:32 |

Current Mood: Melancholy
Current Music: Orange Sky - Alexi Murdoch (OST OC & Gardenstate)

My salvation lies in your love
My salvation lies in your love
My salvation lies in your love

Thursday was interesting. While I managed to scamper about, doing things before my TOK essay (while having only one period that entire day! Blah to Psych essay!), we managed to entertain a nice little court at our usual place (on the cement near the drama/health center). Except our topic of discussion peaked our interest. University.

Sue is as sensitive as they come. Nevertheless, this should not be construed as a bad thing (particularly in the case of unsensitive people, e.g. Cathy-dear!). I wondered when Anna almost (but not quite) asserted that she was indeed going to Monash after Sue's persistance. And then of course, Sue's spirits dampened considerably especially when Carman almost obliviousy said, Yeah I want to go to Monash too. And then of course, Cathy being deliberately vague said irritated that she didn't know where she was going to go. Which left me. But Sue knows that I have different feelings for Monash, my sister went there for one and had a great time. She's even trying to tip me towards Monash. And I feel inclined to tip.

So when we moved from the Tuckshop, Sue was noticably quiet. Anna, having noticed as most of us had, tried to get Sue back into spirits again but it failed utterly. That's one thing about Sue, once she's gone, she's gone. Me? All it takes is one joke, one laugh and I'm smiling again as if everything is all right, reassuring everyone around me it is. But of course, it is not.

Anyway, that's not the point. My point is, that Sue's worry was that none of her friends who have been with her during primary and secondary school were not going to be with her anymore and for some reason, although I had realised it...it didn't scare me as much as it did in Year 9 and 10. So it made me consider objectively why, I, who am much more sensitive and emotiontal than Sue, didn't feel or even dampen. Even if I were set for Monash or for university where no one else was going, that wasn't my central worry...

Several factors came to mind. Perhaps the distance created by having none of the same classes, barely seeing them all day...maybe that's why? And therefore being forced to make new friends, being forced (not anymore) to acquaint mysself with different personalities. Just as Alice and Bonnie had to. Sue on the other hand has ALWAYS had her friends. Me, no. I've moved around so much that I've had to re-adjust, make new friends, deal with the pain of leaving some of the closest behind with scars that will never heal, to be truthful.

Next year...I suddenly realised that I didn't care. I really don't. I'm looking forward to walking into my lecture room, knowing absolutely no one and smiling at someone (boy or girl!) and sitting with them and beginning something fresh and everlastingly new (my sister always told me that her best relationships stemmed from uni!). Because that's what university is about, starting afresh, starting anew. Its about acquisition of new things, new feelings, new understandings new concepts, new people, new things. And I can't wait. I just can't. (Of course there's that exciting prospect of the way your future could go, if you chooose that course, if you go to that Uni, what friends you'll make! *chirps* Exciting! Daunting for some, tho!)

As for Sue? Well, despite how hard it seems now, she'll survive. She will. Its a few days and believe me, the same time next year she'll be happy and looking back at her thoughts now and laughing at herself for feeling that way and going back to her new friends. Although, don't get me wrong. Of course it will hurt leaving them, but it doesn't hurt as much. It really doesn't. Because although we've shared so much, read the same books, have the same obsessions, I've realised this past year, quite objectively and subjectively, the widening gap between their paths and mine and closness of my other IB friends and mine. And I suppose that is what UNI is about, finding your OWN path and thus accumulating from that. I remember at a time, I would have done anything to be with my friends, given up on things I wanted so I could be with them, which thankfully and for myself, I don't do anymore.

What I noticed lately is that everytime Sue and Cathy go to their lockers, they've always pulled one of the others along with them as if they've needed the company. Me, modestly, I don't. I've lived such a distant life (emphasised by my locker being on the other side of the senior school world!), gotten used to being and travelling alone to and from class that I've begun to ignore it and hopefully, become more self-sufficient. Cathy, I've always thought as self-sufficient, but her dependency on others has really emerged this year into a childishness I've never expected from such a highly moral person. And Sue, was always dependent on Anna and the likes to accompany her, suppport her and Anna was always too happy to oblige.

So metaphorically, Anna's made it emphatically clear that she's not going to accompany Sue on that journey to her locker and back again? No. Although they have the same courses, the gap has opened up. Sue at Melbourne. Anna at Monash. Unless one compromises (which I doubt), Sue will have to make that journey alone. As I did, when I decided to do IB. As Alice did, when she left MLC and proved herself able. As Anna will, hell, as the rest of us will. Even if Carman, Anna and I go to Monash, it won't mean that we'll see each other everyday either. And Sue will find it out. As terrible as she felt that day, I know she'll be better for it. She will.

~ M.M.W who is still out of sorts ~

Me: Is it me or am I just writing big long emotional passages lately?
Ames: Its you.
Me: *schnugs relentlessy*
Ames: *chokes* Go to bed! And stop being so melodramaculous! Its a contagion!

I will!!! *coughs on Ames* Prepare for more chirpy extract next. Preferences and applciation for VTAC in soon. Yikes!


Schnugged at 03:17 |

Current Mood: Sad
Current Music: Turin Brakes - Rain City

I'm out of sorts today. Just warning you.

Ames: *schnugs*

Maybe because I had a terrible row with mum and then I went on an hour and a half walk in the dark by myself. Yo no se. Cold, grey skies get you thinking.

I was wondering that as the days go by, what I'm loosing and what I'm gaining. I've tried weighing them up. Sure, I'm achieving a slowly stagnating growth and lumps of fat as opposed to loosing the most precious things in my life, wraiths of my childhood, my friendships are fragmenting and lord knows what's going to happen to my family next year. Dad's getting worse and I'm secretly worried.

Nevertheless (I'm beginning to hate this word!), my focus came back to my friends. It always does. Somehow they've become so central to my life. Most time spent outside my house is sadly with them. Now you're probably quirked an eyebrow at my sadly but I dunno, as much as I love them, and I do, I hate them too. Its that love-hate relationship. They don't know, but their words, their actions, the slightest phrase can have innumerable tolls on my feelings and emotion during the day. Now, of course them knowing this would expose another vulnerability of mine which would have me close up shop but sometimes I wish they could know, just did so that once in a while they would consider what they did before they did it. Of course, that covert feeling is dominated by my paranoia so hell, no! I would never want them to read this, never want them to find out how much of myself I've invested in them. That would be mas terrible.

I would love to say that I have amazing friends. Well, I do. There's no doubt. There are so many things I could say about my friends, but that would be too reductionistic and you know me, always labelling things. I'm a schnitzel. But to me, amazing would be the things that are lacking in our relationship. Dependibility, loyalty, closeness. Don't mix that up with intimacy but closeness, being able to hug the person next to me without childish insinuation of lesbianism or flinching. I know some people aren't huggers, Steph and Jen for example, but I've shared more hugs with them than I've had with my friends in four years. (well except for alice, alice is very touchy-feeling which is nice and a fresh breath of air!) I always remember the first time I hugged Sue, she stared at me for a full ten seconds as if to say, What the hell are you doing? I learned not to hug her after that. Carman, no no. Cathy! Uh, hello! The only person she allows to touch her without a slap or a squeal is Alice, which is probably due to Alice's persistence. And Anna...anna's a mystery to me, this closet enigma I just can't figure out. SHe's as mysterious as Houdini and as puzzling as movey-twirly thing on Sarah's background.

I suppose, Anna should be my focus tonight, if indeed I have one. I've been doing a bit of a 'DV-8ing'. Oh, no one's going to get that.

Mary: I did! *schnuckles*

Schnuckles! *notes down* Good one. Anyway, back to Anna. I'm more than liable to label everyone but does everyone believe in my labels? I mean, come on, its not like I'm writing Sailormoon bios. They're just stereotypes for a story because Atwood-complexity is so out of my league. Sue and I've discussed this privately, but there's so much more to everyone. Cathy, for example, is not always a pessimistic, grumpy-fluff. She can be sweet, and adorable and more often than not, more childish than me. Okay, but back to Anna. Anna's probably been the hardest to pin down because well, she doesn't yield much (oh great! now she's associated with chemistry equilibrium!). Oh, she gives loads to others but in dialogue, talking I've always wanted more about her. I wanted her to just speel. Not about every dark terrible secret but just something more substantial, other than her constant joking rantings about wanting to be a dark lord which I keep disavowing her.

Lately now, I've been loosing her and its becoming more and more apparent. We don't talk like we used to. We used to be so close in Year 9 and 10, because well the others had left us and it was time when I still had classes with some of them. Her and Sue are like *twists fingers* and Cathy and Carman are like *pops picture of two gay footballers*, okay maybe not but it sorta sums up the essence of their relationship and once again I play third wheel. *sigh* I am the mistress of sighing. No one can outsigh me. Damn, I keep tangenting. Okay, no one will get that either except for Jen and Steph. So what do I think of Anna?

I know it seems like I judge her a lot and Sue and I do tease her but its in the same vein of when Cathy teases me, except less volatile. And while we do tease her, I keep thinking what if she is actually thinking these things of herself, what if our teasing is just reinforcing these things that really aren't true about her? We tease of her being shy and introverted, but while she may appear to be she's got strengths in areas that I could never ascertain, that inner strength I saw in Elaine in catseye I see in Anna. And which somehow made me feel like Cordelia, without susbtance without a future, a failure all by myself. I've always put up Anna and Cathy on pedestals, they were always morally higher than me. Not to mean that Sue, Carman, ALice and Bonnie were high up in standards but there was something about Cathy and Anna, Anna was always so proper and nice and Cathy maintained all her morals. Now, I observe them more closely, Cathy's not so moralistic as I thought and Anna, well she's loosing her introvertedness and sometimes, I even manage to hate her, something I thought I never could do. She doesn't know the power she has over the rest of us, and now she exercises it unconciously, being cruel.

I remember once when she really ripped it at me. No, not at Carman's but during luncthime I think before Year 11 exams. I was just asking her something and she spat something really nasty. As modest as it sounds, I didn't blame her, I didn't even begrudge her it, I was more or less stunned by its ferocity. I guess that's what happened when illusions break. Cathy and Anna become mere mortals and suddenly, I couldn't so easily forgive Cathy when she was cruel, or even uphold Anna anymore. Right after, she apologised but I didn't care, forgiveness wasn't necessary if its Anna. Yet it was set in there, that firm fixture of Anna's weakness in her model perfection. And now it arises more often, more apparent, more I feel, deliberate on my part.

One of the worst things about myself, often quoted by Ames, is that I'm so self-deprecating, which is why I'm often a depressive. In some instances, often overlooked by my friends, I'm quite pessimistic, sometimes more than Cathy. And I am. I know my faults, I know my weakness. There's a duality inside my head, this judging, pedantic Melissa who hates everything I do and say and pretend and facade Melissa, who pretends, does and says stupid things in order to fit, in order to be liked. I've never been stupid. Even now, among certain groups I'm called 'the walking dictionary'or 'miss 99.95' (damn leanne!) although none of that is true, its like playing a part. Among those groups I play the part of the smartie, the person most likely to suceed because I play to other people's likes and dislikes, their own preconceptions of me. Same goes for my friends, except I play the stupid one, the one in the group most like to fail. And for some reason, its a part thats become part of the way I do things. Although I know the answer, I'll switch it around to make it sound stupid. Why? Because my friends like it. They like to think I'm stupid, that I'm not as good as them. And while this might have a chance of not being true, that's how I'm made to feel.

Anna has something I want. An ability to see right to core, to understand and interpret people in a way I wish I could. I want causes, accentuated by psychology, I need to understand why one person behaves. Observing Ying, Cathy and Steph, one could see the reaction to a specific type of tragedy in life. Yet my subjective bias often hinders and limits my observation. I'm definitely not objective enough and the human condition is too complex to reduce them to simple cause, effect, symptoms and consequences. Others, like Anna, are able to see it clearly. Sue too. I just know. They've got what I call third sight, not that psychic thing, but an ability that woudl come in handy definitely for english commentaries.

Sometimes, I wish I could take Anna aside and just hug her and hide her. I do stereotype and judge her. I see her as this faint flower in a strong wind, and despite what happens to me, I want to protect her. She's got this quality about her that inspire protection, that big-brotherness that motivates others. I wish I had that. I have a quality that tends others to avoid me. Heh. But I don't, I try not to hinder her (as if I could!), but my teasing perhaps sometimes inspired by my envy of her, might. And I'll try to stop. In the end, Anna's abilities will probably end up protecting me.

~ M.M.W ~
Schnugged at 23:34 |

Last night I had the strangest dream. And I woke up again at 2:40 and realised I had so much work to do....and fell right back to sleep.

I'm strange like that. I need self-restraint.

Anyway, its MOnday and I haven't finished my set TOK essay work or my History stuff or anything really. I really should, that's why I didn't go to the outing thing but in the end, only typed up a few things and re-read over my books. Well aren't I a little shit?

On the other news, I've cancelled both meetings and realised teh shit I'm in because I'm supposed to have both essays done by the end of this week. WELL History I'm okay because I've got all the information and writing up is a pinch. Its Tok that I've been worrying about and putting off and since its the most important, I'm trying to get my mark up. My Math mark has made me all self-important and less worrying. Its a terrible thing.

This is a very boring post so I shall sign off. I need to go print and get everything else done. My teachers seem really worry-free. Wow, this is going to turn out like my WL! AHHH! My WL! Shit.

~ M.M.W ~

PS: *rushes around screaming frantically* Omg! I forgot my WL! MY WL!!!
Schnugged at 08:49 |

Current Mood: Guilty
Current Music: California - Phantom Planet

Okay. Lots to talk about. So let's do a timeline.

Last Weekend...

Well, unbeknownst to my friends (except for Alice), I snuck off to Monash with other friends. But wait!!! Wait a sec! It wasn't exactly sneaking since I most casually inquired everyone if they wanted to go to Monash together. Here were their replies.

Anna: *lots of murmurring and procrastination* Finally... No, I think I'll go with my parents... *awkward/shy voice*
Cathy: *gruffly, antagonistically always towards me but as usual, she denies it* I think Dad's taking me there.
Sue: I didn't bother asking her. I know her 'stance' on Monash.
Carman was perhaps the only one with a less than disappointing answer, because she wanted to go but couldn't. Although she said she'd call if she could...but she didn't.

No, no, Ames'. I'm not angry as once again my friends have disappointed me. No, not all. I swear to you, I am not. I am not Washington Square "very very angry" or even angsty, I'm just nothing really. Well that's mostly since I arranged before I asked them to go with other friends. And guess what? We had a great, fun, spontaneous time with no fuss and little hassle. It was just splendid. So why should I be unhappy if I had a great time anyway and also checked it out with them in the first place?

While this may be called "fucking paranoia" by some, (Ames: *meeps*) I would just call it an indication of what's going to happen next year. And where exactly we stand as a group now. Especially my position within the group. Yet...*sighs* once again, I must reiterate that I am not angry, although disappointed, I am not angry. I am light. I am air. I am fucking Marsha Brady.

~ Sunday ~

So what did happen?

Well I went with Steph and Jordi, two fellow IBers and I had an awesome time. Steph drove, yes she drove. Which was frightening at first, since we went in her dad's jeep and I kept hitting my head on the roof of the car and Jordi kept giggling but yeah, it was great nonetheless. Steph's dad camewith because Steph is on her P's and while she is good, I think chaperoning is always necessary. And according to Kim, Steph's usual driving is on a tractor and apparently, she's a mad woman! *giggles*

Okay, so we got there. And Jordi whipped out her map that she printed out (and was old anyway) and tried to navigate...unsucessfully. Utilising my limited knowledge of Monash from when I had been to my sister's graduation and the stupid map, which may I emphasise was old, we found the general info building and then split up. My theory for next year is that somehow I'm going to end up with my IB friends more than these friends, because hell, Steph and I want to do the exact same subjects. Ahh competition! Anyway, Jordi left and went on her way to drama, law, music etc while Steph and I paraded around the anatomy museum laughing amusedly (Me: (looking at a wrinkled half-dead body encased in liquid) Oh look! Cute ass!). I think we freaked out some of the students because we didn't go 'Oh icky!' like all the other girls. I was very fascinated with the kidneys. Moving on...

We attended a few lectures after that, behavioural neuroscience, medicine, law etc. And met up with Jordi eventually. It took us a while to find the med building and along the way we met Marie, Eliza, Sarah and Lucy. For lunch, I failed to convince Jordi to get food and somehow, she convinced me not to. It was very intereting. Oh yes, and Steph and I were very disappointed that there was not a psych/law double degree only a law degree with a psych diploma which angered us both. But nevermind.

After my mum dropped Jordi off at her house, Steph came back to mine and we had a real good speel until she had to go. It was nice having someone else other than my usual friends come over. Sounds revolutionous doesn't it? Or should that be melodramaculous? Hee. Oh, now I want to go to Monash and write for Vague. Coolies.

~ Monday

Unfortunately, it seems to me that I am spending less and less time with my non-IB, school friends. And Monday seemed a continuance. During the week, I usually spend more often than not times with other people's friendship groups usually during class or outside. Of course my friends don't know this...well, its not a big deal but doesn't it seem like betrayal? Nevermind, I'm need to depopulate paranoid city here.
Anyway, every week we have tutor group and during the past two years I've had a surprising, growing friendship with four girls in my tutor group class, Amanda, Karen, Jess and Leanne. They're great gals and I think that if I wasn't friends with my friends I would be wtih them (there was that chance in Year 9!). Anyway, to end my CAS with a bang, they convinced me to attend Ozanam House in the city and serve the homeless, drug addicts, those with psychological disorders food, cafeteria style. So after-school, I took a trip to North Melbourne (I procrastinated and thus made us late by playing a game with Katrina and co by swinging the window shut in Spanish and frightening the children outside). Without Amanda thought and with our chaperone, my old Chem teacher, four of us squashed into the back of a taxi cab and we took the most uncomfortable ride of our life to Ozanam House. My mind however was taken off of it by my quite witty parrying with the other girls. Karen and I usually trade insults, although modestly, I confess I'm much better at it. So it was great fun! Eventually we got to OZanam house, and I spent most of it laughing despite being totally frightened by the fact that all the 'homeless people' were men. Although some were old, most were young and well, frightening-looking. Something you see in movies, or the mafia. And my job...well I had to guard the ice-creams and make sure they only took one. Yes. Frightening it was. My heart was leaping of my chest. The frosty on the little ice-cream packets gripped my heart in fear.
And yes, I'm being sarcastic. No need to get smirky, Miss Mary.

It wasn't too bad. Most of them were pretty nice although looking insidious and there were a few comments that made ears and cheeks red (that wasn't caused by the hot food). After that, while they were eating, Jess and I were asked to make 'milk'. No, I wasn't sent to the farms to milk a cow, it was that powdery stuff. Anyway, there were these huge jugs and since Jess is tinier than Carman and I'm about as strong as a sheet of paper, it was quite an interesting task. First I poured a lot of milk on Jess, and then she poured a lot down the sink, and then she splashed and poured it on herself. And I couldn't stop laughing. Finally finishing that task, thankuflly, Jess went back to buttering bread and I served seconds with Leanne. Hot work demands hot food. Leanne and I worked out this rhythm to keep switching between each other and in the end it was like doing a really, wonky but cool dance.

When we finally finished, we got pepsis and walked up to get a five-seater taxi back. However, we had to get a four seater cause it was cold and we were freezing waiting at the Royal Children's Hospital. So, squeezing in again, we took a long time being dragged through the traffic. It was fun though. We talked loads and I spent some of it trying not to spill my drink anywhere. It was one of those close-bonding experiences. My only regret was that Amanda wasn't there to share it with us.

~ Rest of the Week

Okay, good news first. Finished First draft of Psych IA. PRetty good, just have to add justifcations, tone down abstract, slip in shit about standard devation and find theories against emotive words being more accurate. Also, worked out I got siete on my Math Portfolio. WOOOH!!!!

Em: Yes, go you!
Me: *Does a wave*
Mary: YAY!
Ames: Oh shut it!

Poopster. Just annoyed that I worked so hard and didn't get twenty on the final. But it doesn't matter, I am guarenteed a seven anyway. Wooh!

Bad News. Was a 'bad week'. Well not in terms of IB but in terms of my other friends, see above. I guess I was a little irritated at them, and they scapegoated thier own irritation onto me, which is usual. Except for the fact sometimes I just can't stand it. So yes. Tedious little irritations. Oh and Cathy's just a little tooo antagonistic, especially when I'm in a good mood. Its like she goes out of her way to ruin it. *is suspicious* Just becaues I'm paranoid, doesn't mean she isn't out to get me. Hmmm...*laughs* Oh, and I forgot about the Psych Essay on Friday. I freaked out because I hadn't prepared. Argh. Went fine anyway.

Okay. Other than the loads of homework I have to do tonight and tommorow, that's been my week. My classes have been better than usual but yes, I'm quite tired and probly off to bed after I watch X-Men 2. Tah!

~ M.M.W ~

PS:

CALIFORNIAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go OC!




Schnugged at 06:39 |