Sunday, August 15
Current Mood:
Melancholy
Current Music: Orange Sky - Alexi Murdoch (OST OC & Gardenstate)
My salvation lies in your love
My salvation lies in your love
My salvation lies in your love
Thursday was interesting. While I managed to scamper about, doing things before my TOK essay (while having only one period that entire day! Blah to Psych essay!), we managed to entertain a nice little court at our usual place (on the cement near the drama/health center). Except our topic of discussion peaked our interest. University.
Sue is as sensitive as they come. Nevertheless, this should not be construed as a bad thing (particularly in the case of unsensitive people, e.g. Cathy-dear!). I wondered when Anna almost (but not quite) asserted that she was indeed going to Monash after Sue's persistance. And then of course, Sue's spirits dampened considerably especially when Carman almost obliviousy said, Yeah I want to go to Monash too. And then of course, Cathy being deliberately vague said irritated that she didn't know where she was going to go. Which left me. But Sue knows that I have different feelings for Monash, my sister went there for one and had a great time. She's even trying to tip me towards Monash. And I feel inclined to tip.
So when we moved from the Tuckshop, Sue was noticably quiet. Anna, having noticed as most of us had, tried to get Sue back into spirits again but it failed utterly. That's one thing about Sue, once she's gone, she's gone. Me? All it takes is one joke, one laugh and I'm smiling again as if everything is all right, reassuring everyone around me it is. But of course, it is not.
Anyway, that's not the point. My point is, that Sue's worry was that none of her friends who have been with her during primary and secondary school were not going to be with her anymore and for some reason, although I had realised it...it didn't scare me as much as it did in Year 9 and 10. So it made me consider objectively why, I, who am much more sensitive and emotiontal than Sue, didn't feel or even dampen. Even if I were set for Monash or for university where no one else was going, that wasn't my central worry...
Several factors came to mind. Perhaps the distance created by having none of the same classes, barely seeing them all day...maybe that's why? And therefore being forced to make new friends, being forced (not anymore) to acquaint mysself with different personalities. Just as Alice and Bonnie had to. Sue on the other hand has ALWAYS had her friends. Me, no. I've moved around so much that I've had to re-adjust, make new friends, deal with the pain of leaving some of the closest behind with scars that will never heal, to be truthful.
Next year...I suddenly realised that I didn't care. I really don't. I'm looking forward to walking into my lecture room, knowing absolutely no one and smiling at someone (boy or girl!) and sitting with them and beginning something fresh and everlastingly new (my sister always told me that her best relationships stemmed from uni!). Because that's what university is about, starting afresh, starting anew. Its about acquisition of new things, new feelings, new understandings new concepts, new people, new things. And I can't wait. I just can't. (Of course there's that exciting prospect of the way your future could go, if you chooose that course, if you go to that Uni, what friends you'll make! *chirps* Exciting! Daunting for some, tho!)
As for Sue? Well, despite how hard it seems now, she'll survive. She will. Its a few days and believe me, the same time next year she'll be happy and looking back at her thoughts now and laughing at herself for feeling that way and going back to her new friends. Although, don't get me wrong. Of course it will hurt leaving them, but it doesn't hurt as much. It really doesn't. Because although we've shared so much, read the same books, have the same obsessions, I've realised this past year, quite objectively and subjectively, the widening gap between their paths and mine and closness of my other IB friends and mine. And I suppose that is what UNI is about, finding your OWN path and thus accumulating from that. I remember at a time, I would have done anything to be with my friends, given up on things I wanted so I could be with them, which thankfully and for myself, I don't do anymore.
What I noticed lately is that everytime Sue and Cathy go to their lockers, they've always pulled one of the others along with them as if they've needed the company. Me, modestly, I don't. I've lived such a distant life (emphasised by my locker being on the other side of the senior school world!), gotten used to being and travelling alone to and from class that I've begun to ignore it and hopefully, become more self-sufficient. Cathy, I've always thought as self-sufficient, but her dependency on others has really emerged this year into a childishness I've never expected from such a highly moral person. And Sue, was always dependent on Anna and the likes to accompany her, suppport her and Anna was always too happy to oblige.
So metaphorically, Anna's made it emphatically clear that she's not going to accompany Sue on that journey to her locker and back again? No. Although they have the same courses, the gap has opened up. Sue at Melbourne. Anna at Monash. Unless one compromises (which I doubt), Sue will have to make that journey alone. As I did, when I decided to do IB. As Alice did, when she left MLC and proved herself able. As Anna will, hell, as the rest of us will. Even if Carman, Anna and I go to Monash, it won't mean that we'll see each other everyday either. And Sue will find it out. As terrible as she felt that day, I know she'll be better for it. She will.
~ M.M.W who is still out of sorts ~
Me: Is it me or am I just writing big long emotional passages lately?
Ames: Its you.
Me: *schnugs relentlessy*
Ames: *chokes* Go to bed! And stop being so melodramaculous! Its a contagion!
I will!!! *coughs on Ames* Prepare for more chirpy extract next. Preferences and applciation for VTAC in soon. Yikes!
