Wednesday, August 11
Current Mood:
Sad
Current Music: Turin Brakes - Rain City
I'm out of sorts today. Just warning you.
Ames: *schnugs*
Maybe because I had a terrible row with mum and then I went on an hour and a half walk in the dark by myself. Yo no se. Cold, grey skies get you thinking.
I was wondering that as the days go by, what I'm loosing and what I'm gaining. I've tried weighing them up. Sure, I'm achieving a slowly stagnating growth and lumps of fat as opposed to loosing the most precious things in my life, wraiths of my childhood, my friendships are fragmenting and lord knows what's going to happen to my family next year. Dad's getting worse and I'm secretly worried.
Nevertheless (I'm beginning to hate this word!), my focus came back to my friends. It always does. Somehow they've become so central to my life. Most time spent outside my house is sadly with them. Now you're probably quirked an eyebrow at my sadly but I dunno, as much as I love them, and I do, I hate them too. Its that love-hate relationship. They don't know, but their words, their actions, the slightest phrase can have innumerable tolls on my feelings and emotion during the day. Now, of course them knowing this would expose another vulnerability of mine which would have me close up shop but sometimes I wish they could know, just did so that once in a while they would consider what they did before they did it. Of course, that covert feeling is dominated by my paranoia so hell, no! I would never want them to read this, never want them to find out how much of myself I've invested in them. That would be mas terrible.
I would love to say that I have amazing friends. Well, I do. There's no doubt. There are so many things I could say about my friends, but that would be too reductionistic and you know me, always labelling things. I'm a schnitzel. But to me, amazing would be the things that are lacking in our relationship. Dependibility, loyalty, closeness. Don't mix that up with intimacy but closeness, being able to hug the person next to me without childish insinuation of lesbianism or flinching. I know some people aren't huggers, Steph and Jen for example, but I've shared more hugs with them than I've had with my friends in four years. (well except for alice, alice is very touchy-feeling which is nice and a fresh breath of air!) I always remember the first time I hugged Sue, she stared at me for a full ten seconds as if to say, What the hell are you doing? I learned not to hug her after that. Carman, no no. Cathy! Uh, hello! The only person she allows to touch her without a slap or a squeal is Alice, which is probably due to Alice's persistence. And Anna...anna's a mystery to me, this closet enigma I just can't figure out. SHe's as mysterious as Houdini and as puzzling as movey-twirly thing on Sarah's background.
I suppose, Anna should be my focus tonight, if indeed I have one. I've been doing a bit of a 'DV-8ing'. Oh, no one's going to get that.
Mary: I did! *schnuckles*
Schnuckles! *notes down* Good one. Anyway, back to Anna. I'm more than liable to label everyone but does everyone believe in my labels? I mean, come on, its not like I'm writing Sailormoon bios. They're just stereotypes for a story because Atwood-complexity is so out of my league. Sue and I've discussed this privately, but there's so much more to everyone. Cathy, for example, is not always a pessimistic, grumpy-fluff. She can be sweet, and adorable and more often than not, more childish than me. Okay, but back to Anna. Anna's probably been the hardest to pin down because well, she doesn't yield much (oh great! now she's associated with chemistry equilibrium!). Oh, she gives loads to others but in dialogue, talking I've always wanted more about her. I wanted her to just speel. Not about every dark terrible secret but just something more substantial, other than her constant joking rantings about wanting to be a dark lord which I keep disavowing her.
Lately now, I've been loosing her and its becoming more and more apparent. We don't talk like we used to. We used to be so close in Year 9 and 10, because well the others had left us and it was time when I still had classes with some of them. Her and Sue are like *twists fingers* and Cathy and Carman are like *pops picture of two gay footballers*, okay maybe not but it sorta sums up the essence of their relationship and once again I play third wheel. *sigh* I am the mistress of sighing. No one can outsigh me. Damn, I keep tangenting. Okay, no one will get that either except for Jen and Steph. So what do I think of Anna?
I know it seems like I judge her a lot and Sue and I do tease her but its in the same vein of when Cathy teases me, except less volatile. And while we do tease her, I keep thinking what if she is actually thinking these things of herself, what if our teasing is just reinforcing these things that really aren't true about her? We tease of her being shy and introverted, but while she may appear to be she's got strengths in areas that I could never ascertain, that inner strength I saw in Elaine in catseye I see in Anna. And which somehow made me feel like Cordelia, without susbtance without a future, a failure all by myself. I've always put up Anna and Cathy on pedestals, they were always morally higher than me. Not to mean that Sue, Carman, ALice and Bonnie were high up in standards but there was something about Cathy and Anna, Anna was always so proper and nice and Cathy maintained all her morals. Now, I observe them more closely, Cathy's not so moralistic as I thought and Anna, well she's loosing her introvertedness and sometimes, I even manage to hate her, something I thought I never could do. She doesn't know the power she has over the rest of us, and now she exercises it unconciously, being cruel.
I remember once when she really ripped it at me. No, not at Carman's but during luncthime I think before Year 11 exams. I was just asking her something and she spat something really nasty. As modest as it sounds, I didn't blame her, I didn't even begrudge her it, I was more or less stunned by its ferocity. I guess that's what happened when illusions break. Cathy and Anna become mere mortals and suddenly, I couldn't so easily forgive Cathy when she was cruel, or even uphold Anna anymore. Right after, she apologised but I didn't care, forgiveness wasn't necessary if its Anna. Yet it was set in there, that firm fixture of Anna's weakness in her model perfection. And now it arises more often, more apparent, more I feel, deliberate on my part.
One of the worst things about myself, often quoted by Ames, is that I'm so self-deprecating, which is why I'm often a depressive. In some instances, often overlooked by my friends, I'm quite pessimistic, sometimes more than Cathy. And I am. I know my faults, I know my weakness. There's a duality inside my head, this judging, pedantic Melissa who hates everything I do and say and pretend and facade Melissa, who pretends, does and says stupid things in order to fit, in order to be liked. I've never been stupid. Even now, among certain groups I'm called 'the walking dictionary'or 'miss 99.95' (damn leanne!) although none of that is true, its like playing a part. Among those groups I play the part of the smartie, the person most likely to suceed because I play to other people's likes and dislikes, their own preconceptions of me. Same goes for my friends, except I play the stupid one, the one in the group most like to fail. And for some reason, its a part thats become part of the way I do things. Although I know the answer, I'll switch it around to make it sound stupid. Why? Because my friends like it. They like to think I'm stupid, that I'm not as good as them. And while this might have a chance of not being true, that's how I'm made to feel.
Anna has something I want. An ability to see right to core, to understand and interpret people in a way I wish I could. I want causes, accentuated by psychology, I need to understand why one person behaves. Observing Ying, Cathy and Steph, one could see the reaction to a specific type of tragedy in life. Yet my subjective bias often hinders and limits my observation. I'm definitely not objective enough and the human condition is too complex to reduce them to simple cause, effect, symptoms and consequences. Others, like Anna, are able to see it clearly. Sue too. I just know. They've got what I call third sight, not that psychic thing, but an ability that woudl come in handy definitely for english commentaries.
Sometimes, I wish I could take Anna aside and just hug her and hide her. I do stereotype and judge her. I see her as this faint flower in a strong wind, and despite what happens to me, I want to protect her. She's got this quality about her that inspire protection, that big-brotherness that motivates others. I wish I had that. I have a quality that tends others to avoid me. Heh. But I don't, I try not to hinder her (as if I could!), but my teasing perhaps sometimes inspired by my envy of her, might. And I'll try to stop. In the end, Anna's abilities will probably end up protecting me.
~ M.M.W ~
