Wednesday, September 8
Current Mood:
Tired
Current Music: Nara - E.S. Posthumus
Sick today. Slept in mostly although was supposed to do work.
Interesting Movie news! While Mira Nair's Vanity Fair got terrible reviews, guess what? Natasha Little, the girl who played Becky from the BBC Version of Vanity Fair is going to be in the 2003 Vanity Fair as Lady Jane Sheepshanks. Wooh. I can't wait to see it.
Did you know my mocks are in a week and a bit? I'm a little scared. And I'm quite prepared though so I guess I put my fright down to stress.
I told you I found my baby pictures right? Yeah, well I did and gawd, I was so cute and photogenic. I'll post them tommorow when I can scan them in. And I also recieved the pictures of my little nephew, Kenshin. He is so darn cute. Though he did smell (all babies do!), he was so excitable. I'll post those too tommorow or check them out on my photobucket. Aww, I just realised how cute that sounded. photobucket Hee.
I've been in such a dour mood this week. Not my usual rude dour, but really quite. I've been thinking really hard, if that's possible in my little minute brain. Actually, on a tangent, I hate the word minute. Is it small or is it time? Who knows, till you read it out loud and understand context. But it can be so damn confusing. Dammit. Back to my mood, everything has been so confusing lately, I just really haven't wanted to speak to anyone, anyone at all.
And what is shocking of all. I haven't told any of my non-IB friends about the shocking thing that happened last week. I had to explain it to a few of my teachers (work unfinished) and to Adele, because of some weird security thing thanks to my mom but other than that...I simply didn't get to, or forgot to. Then again, perhaps it was an unconcious thing. I didn't want their pity, especially Sue and Anna's 'aww...oh really?', as if I would lie about that!
And then again, Cathy's stony silence or Carman's bloody interjections about how she's so wordly and its happened to her before. And then of course, I get her bloody opinion on the subject and how it wasn't as bad as it was for her...
And on that matter, can I just say something? About things that happen to you, if something similar happened to someone else, please do not compare. I think it is perhaps the worst thing you can do. What is the purpose of saying 'you think that's bad, its not as bad as blah blah..to me'. I mean come on, how is that supposed to help the situation? Obviously the person is suffering, the person just wants comfort, someone to make them laugh, something to make them feel better and turning it on yourself, away from them is not. I just get so infuriated when it happens and not just to me, to anyone. I just want to slap the other person and say shut the fuck up, idiot. You have no idea what you are doing. No tact. Nothing. You stupid superficial bastard.
Yes. Quite a heated matter for me. I never realised I was strongly opinated. I always believed I was a 'fencer' (not a person with a sword and a nappy), someone who tries not to take sides. But I guess I do. Although they are stupid opinions, as so reinforced by Cathy, they are still mine and I'll stick by them because of my own feelings, my own experience and not by the direct vacillations of others. I know that sometimes I'll break my rules, and preach but not practise, but mostly I'll strive to be good and to do all those things that make me morally righteous.
On another note. I think Alice was right. I am directly confrontational and quite blatant in this blog/diary. I speak my mind, I don't hide behind facades and walls and blinds. My eyes are open, I suppose in a way. ALl this anger just vents itself out here. Sometimes I hate my friends. I really do. Sometimes I just want to walk away and leave them or just fall in a crying heap. Because of the way they treat me, and the way the 'misuse' me, as I were some little interesting doll they could play with. Other times I put all this anger and emotion on myself, or our situation, or the deterministic aspects of our lives which I suppose you could call fate. But what good does that do? The anger, emotion remains.
Truth exists here? Okay, so here goes. Cathy and I have always had a tentative relationship and although I discuss it, I don't really dig deep. It goes back to Year 7. Cathy was always someone I held up on a pedestal, although I hated her for all her moralistic bullshit I really looked up to her and its only now, you can really look at a person without all those illusions and see her. She's not as divine as I thought her, she's tarnished. Not as in the things that have happened to her to sully her vestal-virginal-like proportions, but things that I only saw in myself.
I've discussed this before. The way she has become so dependent, needy and grubby in a way I've seen myself become not. She drags Anna/Sue/Carman to her locker because...hey, do they need to go? No. She just does because she doesn't want to go alone. Something I never thought Cathy would resort to, being so indendent, moral and logical. These parts of her personality have arisen now and they're ugly or perhaps they're human, things I see in myself, in Sue. Although Sue has always been needy, she's admitted it. And while it makes her vulnerable, in a new light she is more moralistic than Cathy. She admits her faults, although she doesn't confront them, more a confront-phobic, like myself I imagine. Cathy meanwhile snubs or teases her for them and then does it anyway, being the big h-word, hypocritical. I suppose a lesson for Cathy would be practise what you preach because sometimes she doesn't. She acts all haughty and lectures me on being logical and quiet and then goes ahead and is loud, chatty and bizarre sometimes.
While I can put that down on her way to de-stress, it just seems unnatural to me to be like that. I admit I'm bizarre sometimes and I am full of faults. But I hate her for being like that. For tearing my image apart. For in the end, making me dislike her so. And it hurts me, because I always believed she was going to be a true friend. And now...she's being all Christina-like and I hate her for it. I really hate her. And I hate the fact that she's making me hate her. I always liked her for being so dissimilar to me and now I see similarities between us, I don't know if we can be friends anymore. I've tried. God knows I've tried...but there's nothing between us anymore. I liked us better when we fought all the time, but now there's an inner struggle, psychological if you will between us, and before when I persisted to like her, to want to be her friend it kept us together. But now...that I don't want it either, where does that leave us?
Sometimes I think that Anna's image is breaking too. And where Carman and I got was nothing really, we just confronted what was between us but nothing was truly resolved. Because she's back to basics. And I'm back to...I don't know. Perhaps Sue is the only one, I don't know anymore. I really don't. And thanks to exams, I don't have the time.
I always believed I would have true friends who would last forever. And I did, Justine, Megan, Kathryn, Kelly, Sarah, Andrea. They would have been my best friends, people who are loyal, just, true, who are full of faults but would NEVER made me feel like this. NEVER. Its just unfortunate that my situation turned the tables and what would have last forever, was cut short. And this, I don't know what this is, but it seems to be lasting for forever...these problems within our friendshp. Whether Alice wants to face up to them or not, she doesn't have to. She has other people she relies on, McRob type. But I don't know, I only realised that since I came back I've started questioning everything. And sure I can put a lot of this down to paranoia philosophical ecunmenical bull but really, these problems exists.
We're friends. But always superficially. The moment I can truly rely on them, for them to jump the bridge with me...and to be their to catch me when I fall.
Well...I'll call you.
But until then, let us not say farewell but adieu...
~ M.M.W ~
PS: On a lighter note, I saw Top Gun! Great film. Possibly the only film with Tom Cruise that I liked, though Minority Report was good.
