Thursday, September 16
Current Mood:
Useless
Current Music: Train - Calling All Angels
Yeah bitches. I feel god damn useless.
You know how I prattle on and on about how much my friends have inabilities of 'being' friends. Well I just went and 'hypocrised' myself up the ass. Yes. I need to practise. No need to lecture me, Miss Mary.
The night starts with me innocently calling Steph to discuss 'things' revolving around our scandalised Psychology Teacher and the pit of despair. Never you mind, but it turns into one of those deep profoundies I have occasionally and then Steph reveals to me something that I will hold dear and deep into that den where I keep all those secrets, Sarah's, Sue's, A'mes, my own etc. They all lie deep in there that only troughs of alcohol or hypnotism may reveal. Or perhaps torture. Meh.
And then it becomes even more profound, shockingly interrupted by my most embarassing mother, and I had to go.
Two hours later, snuggled against my pillows and watching a rather hilarious episode of SATC, season four, (you know this series started in 98!) Steph calls again and this time, its serious. She's got a situation and she called me. At first I'm sort of treasuring the moment, thinking how wise and wonderful I must be for her to call me and then I'm worried, noteful of my inexperience. The last time this happened, my best friends' brother had split his head in two and well, my mom was there. But this time...it was different. This was Steph, I already had my pre-conceptions of her, and I really could not do anything. I was *points above* inviably useless. I suggested what I thought most logical but my mind was reeling and it still is, even now, fatigued as I am. Its my own limitations. My own shortcomings that pull in the stops.
After it had been resolved and Steph had left me feeling as terrible as I always had, perhaps worse, I wondered at my inexperience. How am I, possibly one of the unluckiest people on this planet (oh believe me - okay, for my class/socio economic status) inexperienced in the world of bad experiences? Listening to Steph and her rants on the people she hates, I could hear my voice through the phone, the echoing pain of loneliness and terror, the inability to 'accept' your friends, to just accept life and move on.
That, I cannot do. Never have. Steph admits she has accepted that she has been 'abandoned' and 'deserted' by her friends but I'd never accept that. Sure, I'm not a fighter...nor am I lover, see pre rants, but I've always questioned things. While it seems that I've accepted being as dubbed by kind *sarcastic* Cathy as the 'Joey' of the group being the sleaziest and dumbest, oh its easy to 'accept'. Fuck as hell it is. Anna may be able to accept things easily, and move on but I am not. And I never will be. Outwardly I may, but inside I rebell.
Inconsistent. Continually moving. Seeking more, better. Gawed. I sound like a technical gadget or HP, those stupid ads. Is that better or worst? My question, Carrie-like, is when and how do we know when to accept and when to question? When is enough enough?
I suppose I can put down my inexperience by my questioning things. Is this right? Is that right? If I say this, in what context can it be taken? Is it rude? Is it tactless? I suppose that's why I need things to come naturally to me. Writing always came naturally to me, while I scorn my grammar and technique in Sailormoon stories, there are moments in HG 7 where I grin indulgently at my screen and wonder how in the world I came up with such an ecstatic sentence, it even makes me quiver. While my friends will never be able to appreciate this, its something I certainly won't question. Oh well, perhaps 'how the fuck did I write this at two in the morning?'
End rant. Oh Ames, I promise. Chapel story soon. Psychology tommorow. Gawded. *whine*
~ M.M.W ~
