Monday, January 3
Current Mood:
Dead
Current Music: Warning Sign - Coldplay
Am so angry.
This just had to happen. The night before my results, my CD player breaks down. Won't work. ARGH! And mum's taking fricking forever to get it fucking fixed. Argh.
~
Today went to Ying's. [Far away from my CD player! ARGH!] We made muffins, played card games etc...and poker, which I am surprisingly good at.
I got three flushes. ANd $5,800 dollars. Well I should have, considering I won that many chips thanks to many wins and my favourite chips. I technically took Jia out, because the last game she bet it all and despite that Sarah had a flush, mine still beat hers. That was hilarious fun. And we actually finished a Cheat Game, which usually takes forever. Sarah and I lost of course, Ying and Jia getting all the luck. *sigh*
Muffin baking. Less fun because we burnt her muffins. Because someone left it on 'fan grill' not 'fan oven'. That's why the tops were so badly burnt, like mum's satay skewers. Ew.
Good fun all around, although Sarah got irritating...but that's probably because I kept skipping her in cheat [I yelled 'Cheat' everytime Ying put down, usually getting it wrong, so it skips to me, missing Sarah.]
~
Have also been watching the Will and Grace Three Day Marathon. God, I love Will and Grace. I've gotten so sick of watching Sex and the City and Friends, which btw, I have seen all of them and I am sick. SICK! Of course, Will and Grace is a great break, but sometimes I wish they would have a spinoff called 'Jack and Karen', because I love those characters so much more.
~
Tommorow's the day. I didn't really want to talk about it. I've sort of ignored/avoided speaking to all those who didn't do IB, for example, I spent the day with other friends. I don't know. I just know what will happen tommorow and I've been doing everything to avoid it because its scaring the hell out of me.
I want to know. Which will happen in aprox less than seven hours, which is scaring the shit out of me. And I have to get out of bed before 8:00 to find out. Of course, I don't want to know. Of course I want it to be a great score. Of course, I feel like a fraud and a sham. Of course I will feel disappointed.
Somehow, though, I think I will be able to handle my score. What I don't think I will be able to handle is telling everyone else what I got, next to their own perfect scores. So yeah, I'm scared and worried, and frightened. Especially if I get something really low, I mean my friends all did really, really, well and I just feel that if I don't get something high like them, something that I would be happy/okay with, they'll just look down on me, do those pity faces and it would just reinforce those unsaid things in their minds, that I'm the stupid one in the group. The one who takes longest to get things, the one who didn't do Specialist, the one who did I.B. It would just reinforce my exclusivity and my lack of dignity from the group. It just scares me. Scares the shit out of me.
So I pray right here, right now, that, look, I don't want the perfect score. I mean, it would be nice but I know, deep down, that it is impossible. Impossible in all ways. I know how I did during my exams. I know deep down the lowest score possible looms in front of me despite what people say, despite how hard my friends say I worked, I know deep deep deep down, what it really is. Tommorow will just be capping the lid on my coffin. I don't need the perfect score, but I need something to retain my dignity, something that will make my heart stop beating so fast, that will make those feelings of stress, fear, incapableness just lift away.
I hate to sound a little Sue-ish, but if there were one thing in this life, right now, that I wanted above all else, it would be this. A great enter score. Anything about a 40 would be fabulous. Anything. I really don't know what I wanted. I sorta want to do law, but then I don't. I don't know what I really want. I really don't. But I need as many options open as possible, bar Medicine. So, I just hope and pray that my luck from today's poker holds up, and what I find myself to be holding tommorow may not be a royal flush...but perhaps still some sort of flush I can hold proudly, and show to my parents and friends and not feel like the rejected reject I've felt for so long.
I just wish. Please. Please.
~ M.M.W ~
