Current Mood: Quizzical
Current Music: Snow Patrol - Run

Mmmm...remind me later to make more moods. I'm running out of ones I really like. *sigh* And there are soooo many movies I can moods out of, I just can't think of the mood. Maybe I should pick themes, make 100 or so moods and then mix. Interesting.

~

So I decided to do that little piece of garbage I had forgotten to do on Pre-New Years. You know that 'I thank thee for being nice to me...hee hee hee' crap. Well so here goes. (Combined with my great and all talented graphical skill! Wee!)




This year has been really tough. It was my last year of school and here I am, January 20th, 2005, and still not over it. Despite the end of year trip, despite all the countless farewells at school (Speech Night, Last Day, Valedictorian Lunch etc) and teh!exams. Dun Dun Dun. But also, because I lost a few friends along the way. Petrie, MV and Jen still keep in touch but not like they used to. Ever since the thing happened, she's lost touch because her real life, away from her keyboard and anime delights has kept her quite busy. What I can say is that she is happier, much more, she's still with her boyfriend and stuff with her parents have settled and hopefully stay put. But with the business and stuff, she's still going with that and has barely any time to be on the net, let alone chat for four hours like she used to. Its sad, but I'm happy for her if she's happy. I love her all the still and she still keeps e-mailing about how she's doing, how much she misses us and wishes us all the best. I guess, if anything, I won't regret what happened because like this year, I've been kept busy too. The same thing has happened to MV except instead its university that's crept up and kept her going with a new job and lots more work. She does keep in touch though and I have actually chatted to her quite a few times. I think its just that she's so much older and trying to move on with her life. However, she has never acted like she was so much so the superior chicka and that taking care of us littlies was inflicted upon her by A'mes. I love her still too, and can't imagine the last few years without her.
Petrie? Well, Petrie has been suffering from anorexia for the past year and has been continually medicated for a while, which isn't that shocking given her condition and so has been internetless for a while. She's a wee Year 10, but a shockingly intelligent one and she's not missing that much, which I'm quite sure she can catch up on. (God I feel old!) She's been back on the internet lately, she moved back home two months ago and has been keeping up regular contact. I'm glad she's back, I'm just still worried about her. Em won't go into detail but I KNOW you're still worried she'll go into relapse. But I think we're all underestimating her. I just have to say, that while MSN sometimes feel so distanced, I don't know, one thing I have to be thankful for is the fact that sometimes I'm glad I can speak to people I don't know and see personally every day. Its a strange thing to say, but extremely comforting. Extremely.

So explanations out of the way. Let's get to the real thank yous.

Oh, Mary. You were my madonna, my saviour. The one. The virgin. You always blushed or at least *blushed* when A'mes or I said something terribly naughty. Yet you were always the peacemaker and sometimes co-conspirator and rarely the accomplice to some of us. I miss you're multitasking but always good ways. They always inspired me to be the gemini of you're heart. Thank you, especially this year, for dealing with all my temper tantrums and outbursts genially and with your multi-layered wisdom, in particular "Be the bean, Mel.". That I know, will stay with me forever. Hehehehe. Luff you, fool.

Darling Emmy, without you there would be no fuckwits. Still, I can't believe you came up with that. Its soo not you. You're so normal, so obliging. So perfectly attuned to our needs. Especially when those needs are a) cooking tips b)computer stuff or c)icon making. No A'mes! You don't boil water, you have to stick it in the oven first! I'll always remember how the great and beautiful fell for it. Hehehehe. You'd be my right arm if I was an evil mastermind, telling me how and what to do. To organise my soldiers in neat, straight lines, which you would make neat by actually going out on the battle field and making them neat...hm, maybe I should become one just to see that. I missed you a lot this year, when we didn't get to talk. I promise I'll try harder to come to meetings. *schnugs* Always the schnugly one.

Oh A'mes, babe, I really don't know what to say. You have been one of the best friends I have ever had. No, really. Sure, you were rude, crude and sometimes so painfully cruel but I could always tell through all that facade you actually did care about me and that matters more than anything else. Sometimes with my other friends, they can be so nice, so caring, but in the end, I have to question whether they are able or want to make that extra effort to help, to prove that they really do care for what happens to me. You always did. It could be three in the morning, but you'll still have another look at my essay to make sure that it was good, that it was perfect. I was so happy about that. And I wanted you to know, that you always made me laugh. Sometimes, I find in a lot of my friendships, I'm the 'funny one', not the 'nice one' or the 'smart one' but the one people can laugh at. But here, I don't feel that, I feel between all of us, the funniness is shared, and you, you're the quick witted funny one who's so blase and rude. But so funny and intelligent and so loving and caring and I wish one day that you could know how happy and thankful you've made me for being my friend. But not in a way that I feel like I don't deserve you. You know the one thing that is so hard, it to be equal friends in a group, but I feel that all of us are here. You, me, Em and Mary, we all share special friendships but I love you all, not in the same ways, but I believe, equally. And I have never felt any different from any of you.

I suppose that's love then. Equal love. Because I don't think I could stand any relationship, whether it be a lover or a friend or a family emmber, where the love wasn't equal, whether I be the recieve of less or more. I guess that's why I'm so unhappy within my own friendship group, where I doubt my status among them almost as much as I believe they doubt mine. I don't think I can be happy about that. No, not ever. And that's depressing and sad. And it shouldn't be here. But that's the truth, isn't it? Its my pet hate, the unfairness of the world and the fact that people just accept it over and over again. They just roll over and give up. I couldn't live with it, couldn't stand it. Its just too painful.

And I'm just too fucking stubborn.

~


Equality. How strange. Sometimes I don't think it actually exists. It seems that no relationship or anything can ever really have equality or any sort of quality, really. Its all really down to chance or perhaps situation. Perhaps I feel equal to my friends because of our situation. I can't judge them on how they look (although I've seen picture of them) or how they truly act because I've never met them or really spent any actiony time with them. But I have talked to them for almost two years, and some of its been the deepest, most intimate, most revealing talk I've ever had and these people are just so emotionally mature and hilarious and sweet. And real. Despite how far we are from each other, they just seem real in surreal circumstances.

That, all said aside. I have to thank my HG 7 for what they have given me in the past year. They may not have supported or loved me as much as I would have liked and our relationships are too different and too unequal and unbalanced for me to see them continuing in the future, but I have to be grateful for what they have. Like I said, its like poker, its all down to fucking luck.

Sue, I know you won't read this, in fact none of them will, but if I write this down here, I'll know its here and that's enough. Sue, I want to thank you for being someone I could talk to. I mean, I can talk to other people but sometimes I just want to talk to you because you'll know what I mean when I have trouble finding the words. And of course, you'll always have the words.

Anna, well when Sue has the words, you'll have the meaning. I don't mean to say that we're on the same level, because I would be saying you were stupid, but you understand my funniness I believe more than anyone else. And we were always able to laugh, sometimes not everything else, but laughter is important in any friendship. And were close once, which gives me hope, we can be close again.

Alice, you know I just don't understand you, Alice. Sometimes I think you're so superficial, so cruel just because of Year 8 and what Sue told you. And then when we're on MSN, you're so nice and sweet and then I have hope. Nevertheless, I am quite sure you hate me. You smile, laugh, play the friend while we're out and about and then ignore me. I've counted. You've done this three times this year. So there must be something. Look I'm sorry about our past. But right now, you're making me hate you more than ever did in Year 8 and while I want us to be friends again, I don't know if soon, I'll want that anymore.

Carman, it seems so long ago that I hated you. And that time, I hated so many people. And now, I don't know what is between us, perhaps friendship but I'm still not so sure. But you know what, I think it'll be okay if we never get as close as I did hope, because somehow I've accepted the fact that we are just too different and have too much between us, to ever get there. So, you know what, right now, that's just enough for me.

Cathy I'm still torn in half about whether you are actually my friend or you aren't. I'm just never sure anymore. But you know what, I'm quite actually beyond caring. I've finished caring and making the effort to be friends with you, to not have you ashamed of me anymore because no matter what, you always will be. And me? Well, I'm done.

Bon I think its been so long that we will never be able to surpass this friendship line. Even though VCE is over, you're still the same. Everythings the same. And I think that's okay, because you've never asked for my friendship and I've never asked for yours. I think we'll just always be friends with a tentative past. And that's okay. I'm okay with that.

~

What's even more depressing is that my friendships are so closed, so accepted...by me. Oh I know. Its beyond what I thought would happen. I thought something would happen. But it hasn't. And its scared me. I love my friends but I'm loosing what I thought was my love for them and seeing them for what they are. Maybe I'm just accepting that eventually I am going to loose them and perhaps accepting them in their realism now and 'letting go' of what I all ready have will make it easier to in the end, just let go. Like torn pieces of paper on the wind. Maybe that's all we really were, pieces of the same shredded paper, flying together, just waiting for the wind to change direction and scatter us.

~ M.M.W ~


Schnugged at 15:08 |