Sunday, January 23
Current Mood:
Woeful
Current Music: Fair - Remy Zero
I've made over 200 icons. Is that scary or what? And in celebration. Icon!
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I apologise for my mood in the previous post. I had just read DV 15 and was starkly morbid. It was unusual in the least for me to make my thank you's empty, effortless vases of indifference. I felt strangely affected thinking about them afterwards and I have to say, that no matter any year, despite how much I love and want to re-experience Year 8, no year, especially those more recent, has been without fears, trepidations, pet hates and annoyances about my friends. Sometimes I've had to bear more pain than I think the others have, not only because of them but because they don't know or don't care enough to commiserate and ponder it again and again. Sometimes I feel like I question things too much and this is why I am so unhappy, why I experience days of extreme depression. There is however, a strange ray of hope in me that never once gave up during those extreme times, whether they were in Year 11 and 12, going over work and doing exams or in Year 6, wondering if Tom will ever love me (God, I sound so Ginny) or regretting my decision over Harry. I re-experience the pain and sometimes its grown, perhaps lapsed into more extreme regret or dulled down by memory loss and indifference.
Sometimes I'm glad I don't remember well. I mean, hell, that didn't work so well for exams, but there are memories there, that lie locked for years and its only a sharp smell, a small object or even a striking location that makes me remember in such clarity the little pains and flinches life has poked me with. Mostly embarassments really, things I flinch when I think of. So I forget. Or dream. Dreaming helps actually, it helps me remember things that never happened, but if they had, they would make excellent memories to ponder over for years. Once, I even half-convinced myself that a dream of mine had been an actual memory. Its strange and saddening at the same time. And I wonder...what if. What if I had kept Justine and the guys, what if I had said yes to Harry, what if I had sat next to Steph and not Alice, what if I had told Kyle, what if I had never moved...what if I had actually gone through with it that time under the desk...
See what I mean? I question things way too much. But the terrible thing is, I can nevr just accept. Just like I can't accept me going to Monash, or the unfairness of Anna's offer, or my sometimes insufferable treatment at the hands of my friends. Is it possible that I would rather stay with my family then go hang out with my friends? Sometimes I feel like that. Like there is so much between us, so much keeping us apart that I could never feel for them or reach out again. I feel selfish for wanting the appreciation, the credit and their love. Because they have never offered it, perhaps they have...I don't know. I've never known really.
Jesus, this is lapsing into nonsensical rant again. I do this so often in my head, its just amazing to get it out on paper. I blame it on the somewhat cliched dribble of DV 15. While it is cliched dribble, I can't help but feel affected by characters I have drifted with for four years and so on. I guess in a way, I love the DV trilogy, I love the characters and I am always in awe of her writing, despite its crapness this time round. I always am. And isn't that just typical-me...apparently, well according to Alice's late night chats, I have bad taste in movies(POTO) and fashion(Elie Saab and Charlize Theron). Please. I beg to differ.
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I have drifted to capping magazine photos. I even have a list of people I want to cap. I'm trying to get through them. Right now, I'm experimenting and am iconning Alexis Bledel quite a bit. I do want to do a bit more of Nicole Kidman. She photographs excellently and muchily. Ah, the beauty illuminated. I think I like to icon her, Cate Blanchett and Alexis Bledel. And the photos I love to icon from are from big fashion mags like Vanity Fair, Vogue etc or smaller stuff like Flaunt. Oh, Flaunt! *giggles*
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My story site is nearly up. Its got its own site too. The download links aren't working, which is worrying me. I thought it was bandwith but its not, thank god. *sigh* Htmling is such a poo sometimes. That, and I wish Sue and Anna would update their site. Its been since 2003. And they both have dolls. And fiction. Gah. GUYS!!!
But yes, my site is still up and running. My story site should be up by the end of Jan and the rest should be done by March. All my photos and stuff I'm just gonna get scanned by the photo dudes rather than printing them out. I like them up on the web much more than in my closed photo album at home. *sigh* Wah. I want a digi-cam. Or a digi-mon. Doesn't matter which. Thanks.
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Enough me ranting. Bowling next week, although I think we should go Sunday. And am still waiting for people to confirm. Also, going out with Sarah and Ying, hopefully to celebrate our passing the Drivers Liscense thing and also they're coming over on the 1st, after my friends have left so we can have our own little sleepover. My little combining workshop didn't quite work as well as I thought on offers night. *sigh* Well, I like them seperate anyway. Fun to be had. I've never had a sleepover before. Well I've organised everything, food and drink are to be paid by me, including any left over (alcohol maybe) from Karen's night. We're going to sleep out in the front room, so no spilling and there are two couches for sleeping. Then again, I thought we were going out...but I don't know what we can go out and do...we are soooo uncool. Although late night bowling would be fun, with a late night dinner and a walk on the Crown boulevard would be nice. We could dress up and stuff. Ooooh, fun. Well, I dunno. Hopefully, something. Anyway, night. I luff you all.
Ames: Thanks for the thankyou!meme.
Me: It was not a meme! It was my little yearly gift to you guys.
Em: It was sooo adorable! *schnugs*
Me: *schnugs back*
Mary: *group schnugs*
Me: *group schnugs*
Em: *group schnugs*
Ames: Oh jeez...
Me: *taps foot expectantly*
Ames: Fine. *over schnugs group*
Me/Em/Mary: yaayayayya!
~ M.M.W ~
