Current Mood: Thirsty
Current Music: Breathe In - Imogen Heap feat Kid Cholera

Suddenly, I just don't want to write. I just don't want to do anything fun even though a seemingly endless stretch of days uh...stretches out in front of me, filled with nothing bar scanning through items and packing them into bags and falsely smiling 'Hi there! How was your day?' and saying 'Good' like I care when they ask me in return.

Mmm...I'm all pondery. I just finished a two day marathon of watching all of Scrubs Season One. Omg. Am heady. It was $30. Can you believe it? I was goggling. Most whole tv show seasons cost around $80 or up. The O.C., Dark Angel, Alias, Futurama. So to see, one of my MOST favourite shows for something as cheap as $30 was like seeing a fucking miracle. A miracle I bought, opened and watched. Woo. Now want Season 2, badly.

~

Went shopping on Wednesday with Carman, Cathy, and Sue to Chadstone. Our first time too and it didn't take that long. DFO would have been longer, surely. After much shopping, in which I bought no clothes, we went to see Mr and Mrs SMith. A good film all around, and Bragelina certainly has chemistry but the ending just ruined it for me. Found out that they cut the scene where the Jane and John confront their bossaroonies. WTF? They shoulda kept it.

Got home around 7 o'clock and was sooo tired. But mum made me drive with her to the airport to pick up the sis, which was ages away and I nearly fell asleep, were it not for the hunt for Orlando Bloom on the radio. Fucking radio. Got home, continued Scrubs marathon and fell asleep around 2-3 a.m. I don't remember. I was so tired.

~

I feel like I've done nothing with my life. Seriously. LOOK. I mean seriously. I suck. Everyone's getting book deals or movie deals or something quite spectacular. Moments like that would be pinnacles for me but for these people, its just another step to some higher levity. Mgurk.

I feel so nothing. I can just imagine someone reassuring Hilary Duff at the moment my spirit is crumbling, that her life compared to um...someone like me, is much better and she should be more grateful. Yeah fuck-teeth. Be grateful.

~

Am going bowling on Wednesday, this week, as I have like five shifts, comprising of several hours all up. Bah. Am going with Sue and finally meeting James etc. Hopefully will be fun. Anna and Cathy have decided to leave us for good and I think Carman is working and bugger it, we all know where Alice is. Meh. This week is going to be boring. I hope Sue has her thing this weekend, otherwise its going to be postponed again and I KNOW definitely I'm going to get another shift on Saturday. And for some reason Corey will put it till 8 so I'm going to get fucked over for that too. Gah!!! *hits head* Mmm, I guess a good time to start revising, do Ying's surprise birthday party and finish the Yearbook? Yeah, baby. Yeah. Oh, am finally getting Charlotte Martin CD on Wednesday. Fucking finally.

~ M.M.W ~
Schnugged at 20:37 |

Current Mood: Giggly
Current Music: Hollaback - Gwen Stefani (The REMIX)

You know for the slow boredom that has been the past few days, suddenly with one MSN conversation, everything suddenly speeds up. Suddenly I'm bogged down with more than I think I can handle. You'll see.

Well along with the obvious (Yearbook, Revision) I also have to organise my work shifts into cohesive positions and get my Drivers Liscence. For sure, I have two shifts next week, on Monday and Tuesday respectively. Adding up the hours now, I'm going to make $80 easily. Whee. Plus Corey promised me two more shifts, its just unknown when exactly they'll be, so I'm going to drop into Safeway on Friday and check. Whoo. Totally check out chic. Totally chic. *frumps*

Ahem. Yes. Moving on. Well, Carman also wants to do this thing, hold on, let me get the URL. Aha, here it is. I so TOTALLY want to do it. Sure, I don't get paid, but I get to have fun with my old gang and get some experience I can drop onto my CV. Not too shabby. The only problem? Working this around my work. Gah. I've never been so unfree.

Well, you think that should be it? But oh no ho. I still have to maintain my organisators status by organising EVERYTHING and doing the calling and crying and etc. And oh, I just found out Ying's birthday is next week. *bangs head* I love Ying dearly, I do but why now? WHY NOW?

However, I am all enthusiastic and spritely, so I am engaging my first ever planned surprise party. Because I always wanted one myself but *sigh* Oh well. As if that's ever going to happen. Anyway, I have to draw up a guest list, and find out where its going to be held, and kinda work out the pay and shit and oh jesus, this is going to be hell. And I have to work it out by next week. Gun anyone?

~

I suppose I should mention this before my dribble earlier, but...

NEW LAYOUT BIATCHES!

Yep. All done by me. Yep. All created by me. Except I didn't take the photography and I didn't make the brushes. But I put it all together, including the html. Who is the best? Yes, me. Thanks babes. Take that, A'mes, you html-ho.

Ames: Mmrrmr. Its all right, I s'pose.
Me: MAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

~

Tommorow I have lots of calling to do, as well as finishing all this crap and getting ready for the next day where I'm going to shop my pants off. Well, literally because I'm going to have to take them off to try things on...oh let's stop there. Could be another Tom Cruise Cum Shot moment. Challah!

~ M.M.W ~
Schnugged at 00:45 |

Current Mood: Full
Current Music: Fake - The Frames


Today, at like 8 in the morning, was my first shift at Safeway. EVER. And it was on express. Could they have freaked me out more or what?

I woke up at 7, took a shower, had breakfast. All done very sluggishly given the hour on a SATURDAY. Gr...anyway, got driven there. Was like 10 minutes early, re-met Corey, the manager, had a store tour. Jesus, I didn't realise Safeway was so huge. And the 'staff' area is underground. Kinda claustrophobic. The store room is a mess and it smells, even though there's only like cardboard in there. Blargh? Anyway, after all that, Talia still hadn't shown up, so Corey put me on Express with Ange watching over me. And of course, I freaked. But after like an hour, it becomes sorta natural. Although you have to keep staying aware. Luckily John and this other girl on my other side, kept watch over me when Ange was away, which was lucky because I was completely shit-scared.

Towards the end though, it was getting better although I know I was ticking off quite a few people at my slowness. I was so slow. Slowly slow slow. Okay, enough about Safeway.

~

Last few days have been the bore of the century. Instead of working and going out constantly with friends, I've been trapped inside, with my stifling parents, my sister who I'm STILL in a fight with, even though its been like four days. Jeez. Its been our worst fight ever. I was just sick and tired of letting her win all our fights all the time so I decided to take a stand and yelled at her in the car, and told her to leave me at the video store, because I'll find my way back. And I was ready to go back all by myself, even when she said 'Fine. I'll do just that.' So she dropped me off, and sped off in her car and I went in, got Napoleon Dynamite and The Notebook. About to go up to the desk and see my sister walk in the door with a smile an dsay 'Gosh, I forgot. How were you going to rent those without a card?' Except, while she's ready to forget about it and be apologetic, I walk right past her.

I remembered all those times she'd me down. I remembered all the times she completely ignored me in the U.S. when we went formal dress shopping. Or the times she used to tease me about my weight. Or the times she complained at me when I was sick in Tahoe. Or just all those times I wished her dead. Like when she jammed my computer screen under the door. And for a brief moment, I absolutely hated her.

So, I ignored her, took out the Video Ezy card which I had all along (she was going to use her drivers licence)and said as coldly as possible, 'Don't worry about me. I came prepared.'

And with that. She gave me the angriest look and strode from the store.

And you know what? Although I had to wait in the blistering cold for half an hour for the next tram, I was happy I'd done it. I love her, I do. But sometimes I think I have to remind my sister that she can't keep treating me the way she has been. That I'm growing up. That as I'm growing so is she. And all the times she reminds me to grow up, and be realistic, and all the times she scoffs that I have no idea what the real world is like, I am learning, I am going out there and realising how bad it is and I'm coping. I'm doing all right. SO she can just fuck off, with her all stupid wisdom. Because I'm there. I got what I wanted. Did she?

~

Enough bitching for one night, eh?

~ M.M.W ~
Schnugged at 20:22 |

Current Mood: Content
Current Music: Up with People - Zero 7

Dear Diary
Today was bad and good. I feel so grown up. I hate changes. We say bad words and have boyfriends and girlfriends. I tell you , I will never have a boyfriend. I wish we had a better world. Well I don't have much to say at all.

You said it, girl. You said all that needs to be said.

I wrote that September 30th 1997, in my little cat diary by Lisa Frank which I have carried around with me for nine years. I was 10 years old at the time, honing in on 11. Strange, dark words for a youngling like me. Strange. Dark. Insightful. Then again, how grown up are you when you are 10, seriously?

Mmm...that just gave me a thought. I wonder if in nine years I'll be analysing my old nine year self. And think myself such a child. Probably. I probably still won't have a life too. Heh.

~

Have my induction tommorow. Woo. Its at 9 in the morning. OMFG.

I have just spent the last three days on about four hours sleep. Like I seriously need this right now? I also have one more exam left. Meh. Its management. Puh-lease. I still have to study it though. *hitshead*

Induction goes from 9-5:30. Dear gawd. How much can they tell us? How much of my time are they going to waste? I do have a partial life, you know.

*calms* Its a job. I'm just sooo tired. Which really means I should go to bed. *sigh* I still have to clean my room and straighten my hair...and oh god. I'm never getting to bed. And I have no normal black shoes I can wear to work which means I must resort to the dreaded 'dun dun dun' MLC shoes. Bargh. I hate myself.

Night.

~ M.M.W ~
Schnugged at 02:20 |

Current Mood: Content
Current Music: Up with People - Zero 7

Dear Diary
Today was bad and good. I feel so grown up. I hate changes. We say bad words and have boyfriends and girlfriends. I tell you , I will never have a boyfriend. I wish we had a better world. Well I don't have much to say at all.

You said it, girl. You said all that needs to be said.

I wrote that September 30th 1997, in my little cat diary by Lisa Frank which I have carried around with me for nine years. I was 10 years old at the time, honing in on 11. Strange, dark words for a youngling like me. Strange. Dark. Insightful. Then again, how grown up are you when you are 10, seriously?

Mmm...that just gave me a thought. I wonder if in nine years I'll be analysing my old nine year self. And think myself such a child. Probably. I probably still won't have a life too. Heh.

~

Have my induction tommorow. Woo. Its at 9 in the morning. OMFG.

I have just spent the last three days on about four hours sleep. Like I seriously need this right now? I also have one more exam left. Meh. Its management. Puh-lease. I still have to study it though. *hitshead*

Induction goes from 9-5:30. Dear gawd. How much can they tell us? How much of my time are they going to waste? I do have a partial life, you know.

*calms* Its a job. I'm just sooo tired. Which really means I should go to bed. *sigh* I still have to clean my room and straighten my hair...and oh god. I'm never getting to bed. And I have no normal black shoes I can wear to work which means I must resort to the dreaded 'dun dun dun' MLC shoes. Bargh. I hate myself.

Night.

~ M.M.W ~
Schnugged at 23:05 |

Current Mood: Sleepy
Current Music: Iieee - Tori Amos

My life interspersed by crap:

Issacs J stated that such clauses exclude what is extraneous to the written contract but does not in terms exclude implications arising on a fair construction of the agreement itself, and in the absence of definite exclusion, an implication is as much a part of a contract as any term couched in express words.

You have no idea how shit scared I am at my vast lack of knowledge in the area of contract law. I am going to faiiiil. And that is certain.

~

This has been the wackiest exam period ever. If it weren’t for exams, I’d beloving it. Why?

I got a job.

Yes, okay, its working for Safeway and I’m only getting paid $9.82 an hour. But it’s a JOB! J-O-B! JOB. I’ve never had a job. I’ve wanted a job for the past two years. And finally I have one. And finally I can put some type of experience on my resume, never mind my lack of one in existence. Yay. I can’t. The only sucky thing?

Ames: You mean the pay wasn’t the sucky thing?
Me: Oh shut up, Miss $22-an-hour.
Ames: Oh yeah. I completely forgot about that!
Me: You do realise I’ll have to kill you now?

Also, I found someone who knew Kelly Probst.

Which was completely weird. I was just searching through deviant art and I was running down the comments page and saw her name. Woah, was my immediate reaction. Now, it might not have been her, nevertheless I wrote to the artist of the page, asking if it was her. And I got a reply saying it was. Despite the artist living in Florida. ? Yeah, I know. Weirder yet, the two had met each other at an arts program in Maryland…and the artist had drawn her nude. Wow. Okay. I’m kinda nervous meeting her now. And I have no idea why.

Oh. And I suppose I should add the night I spent talking to Josh.

I haven’t really spoken or connected to a boy like that for so long. It was wonderful. It was so deep and profound but at the same time, he just kept me laughing. I can’t believe it. And he’s a movie buff. OMG. All the boys at Monash, with the exception of Luke and Hung, are just so…stupid or unapproachable. And I refuse to make friends purely with Asian boys. But I also refuse to make friends with the stereotyped Aussie boy. They are just so…ick. Wow, I’m so mean. And I shouldn’t be like that. But…ick.

~

I mull.

I always have a sense that my posts should be more profound. Deeper. Profound. Depressive. More satirically cynical.

It seems those posts, which crop up not only with me, but with my other online friends, always lead to some existential conclusion which leaves me quivering in my seat. But why one must end up writing the truth, the knowing, from the deepest darkest pits of oneself? Why must one question everything, knowing all the while the answer, but never saying, never ready to admit it.

The world is unfair. The world sucks. Life’s a bitch. She’s a bitch. He’s an asshole. I’m really a looser. I’m really a failure. She is going to fail. And I hope she knows it. Why did I make that choice? How could he make that choice? One big etc.

Yeah. Well, I’m still undecided about what I want to write exclusively in my blog. Its more fun to do layouts in LJ, they look prettier. But harder. And more limited. But I hate doing layouts here because its sooo time consuming, when I could be doing other things. Like studying…shit, its almost 12. Bad me.

~

On a lighter note, I have noticed that in the past four weeks I have been ecstatically busy on Wednesday night.

How did I notice this debacle?

I keep missing Comedy Inc. *pout*

~ M.M.W ~
Schnugged at 23:47 |

Current Mood: Distressed
Current Music: Passing By - Zero 7

I am. Freaking. Out. Because. I am. So behind. Even though. I am doing. Revision. Or Am. I. ?.

Nevertheless, I still have time for mindless chats. Here we go.

~
[Me talking to Josh, my super sexy, super clever friend. Note, this is not Ames' Josh who has disappeared off the earth. This is Melbourne Josh.]


Me: Wow. I'm so superficial. You've made me feel bad.
Josh: Bad, you must feel.
Josh: Superficial, you are.
Me: Oh, don't Yoda me.
Josh: Influencing my speech, the latest episode of Star Wars is.

Me: How do you have the energy to be so witty so late at night?
Josh: I'm always witty.
Me: Always always? Even when you're out in an alley at 4 am vommiting? You're still witty, then?
Josh: Yep. I'll say something like "Carrots? I didn't eat carrots! It's those evil carrot pixies again!"

Josh: 1t5 WH3n J00 $Ub5tI+uTE NUMB3r5 @Nd 5yMB0ls pHOR L3++eR5 4nd M1X UP c@p1t@l Le+TeR$ 4Nd L0wER C@$3.
Me: Oh god, stop it now.
Josh: It's HARD CORE NERD language.
Josh: I hide my nerdiness well.
Me: Behind the wittiness and cutsey-utseyness?
Josh: Yes.
Josh: You can read me like a book.
Josh: WAIT A MINUTE!!!
JOSH: I don't remember ever being cutsey-utsey!

[Yeah. I'm not going to say exactly WHAT we were talking about...]
Josh: You don't want money do you?
Me: Oh wait, I thought you did?
Me: ;)
Josh: We're both such sluts!!

[As to one liners.]
Josh: I usually use this one.
Me: You have a line? Hon, you don't need one.
Josh: I do! I really like it, too. It's a smart one.
Me: Oh dear...
Josh: Can I ask you a question? If I asked you for sex, would your answer to that question be the same answer as the answer to the question I'm asking you now? It ALWAYS works.
Josh: I've only used it twice though.
Me: And has it worked?
Josh: Yes. It has. Both times.
Me: So you got to hide the saussage? Both times?
Josh: No, only one time. But I hooked up both times.
Me: Nice.
Josh: Yes, I certainly thought so.
Me: I'm so proud of you!!!
Josh: Really? I'm so pleased!


Josh: I want you to have my children.
Josh: All 30 of them.
Me: Whoa...wait...what?
Josh: Okay, make it 20. Is that okay?
Me: Well...I was kinda aiming for 40, but okay!
Josh: Phwoar, can you say 'Stretch marks'?!?!?!
Me: Plastic surgery, darl. Its the new yoga.

[On who experience more pain, men or women?]
Me: I wish there was some way you could experience birth pain. And waxing. AND first times.
Josh: We press weights. Wanna know what lifting 90kg feels like?
Me: Oh please, that's nothing compared to the pain we go through.
Me: Do you even want me to get into menstrual cramps?


[On dating.]
Josh: By the way, I DON'T fuck and leave.
Me: Never said you did. You seem like the perfect gentleman.
Josh: Don't tell anyone, but I enjoy spooning afterwards.
Me: Awww!
Me: You're like a cute teddy bear in a penis costume.
Josh: Whoa. There's a surreal image for my overwrought brain.
Me: I can be surreal too, y'know.
Josh: Thank you, you've just given me emotional scarring that'll last at least a few hours.
Me: I'm glad I've helped.


[Talk over pregnancy. ANd me not wanting to because its too painful.]
Josh: Then don't have a baby.
Me: I won't.
Josh: Wait, I thought you were going to have my babies?
Me: Oh no, what are we going to do?
Me: Surrogate? Adopt?
Me: Clone?

Me: No, you don't. You're just effervescently cool. You emulate coolness. You are the suave, effiminate casanova.
Josh: People emulate me. I don't emulate anything.
Josh: You mean emanate.
Me: Fine, you mulate.
Me: Oh no wait, that's the right word.
Me: But 'mulate' sounds cool.
Me: Oh no wait, it sonds like a cow ovulating.

Me: I can't believe people eat placenta.
Josh: Eerrgh.
Me: Its like 'Here. Its been baking for 9 months. Enjoy.'
Josh: Such a fragrant word followed by such an unpleasant image.
Me: Sorry. Did I emotionally scarr again?
Josh: "Hmmm, needs more salt."

[Just random placentaness.]
Me: But we'd have lots of placenta. 30 babies = 30 placenta.
Me: We could start a market for them!
Josh: Trade with your friends! Display out the front of your house!
Me: Or start a collection and name them.
Me: Like garden gnomes! Perfection.
Josh: Wet, red, slimy perfection.
Josh: We're really, really, really bored, aren't we?

Josh: Did you ever notice that when you say a word a lot of times, it starts to sound different?
Me: Yeah. Fuck ends up sounding like 'fwack'.
Josh: Ew. Sounds gross.
Me: Placenta gross?
Josh: No. Not that gross.

[Back to dating and the sharing of clothes etc]
Josh: I think its some kind of territory thing. If you wear my clothes, that means you're mine or something.
Me: So if you wear my clothes...?
Josh: You take me to a therapist.
Me: [Back to the territorial thing] Or you could just pee around me? That works too.


[And finally...in closing.]
Josh: Heh heh. Poor Mel.
Me: Why poor me?
Josh: You'll MISS me.
Me: No, I won't.
Josh: Won't you? Oh.

~

About 4 hours worth of conversation. Jesus. Anyway. Exam studying now. Ciao.

~ M.M.W ~
Schnugged at 15:11 |

Current Mood: Bitchy
Current Music: Madman - Charlotte Martin

There's something about nightime, when there's complete silence and all your feelings, all your memories just come push up to the surface of your being. And suddenly you can't breathe and see at the same time. And you're just engulfed.

~

I think I'm running out of crap to discuss. That, or I really have nothing to talk about and exam stress is draining all my creativitiy. Last night I stared at a blank page for an hour and could not write a word. Talk about writer's block. I could talk about what happened last night ( I went to Chadstone and didn't study), I could even tell you what I bought (awesome flosam boots!) but I guess, that's not what I really want this journal to be about and I find thats what I do constantly. And its tiring.

I want to ramble and rant and organise my life into cohesive thoughts. I want to be able to express my self fully without fear of censure. I guess that's why I discuss my real life here because only people who I know online read it. R-L people are just too...real. I have a great fear that I couldn't face them after they read about me.

I'm not a terrible person but I don't enjoy having people know things about me that I find terribly personal or embarassing or just...me. I am me. I love the things I love because I do. I don't care how stupid or silly they are. They're part of me and who I am. I am not going to love some pretentious book because other critics think it is good and I should read it because its so well written. I'd rather stick to my romance books then read one Kafka short story (I tried 'Metamorphisis'! Ugh!).

I find lately that I censure myself a great deal when making friends. I think Claire was getting a little antsy when she spent an hour ranting and then asked me about how my life was going and I gave her a two sentence answer. I mean I could tell her everything, how shit I feel all the time, how problematic my friendships are becominge etc but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

To put it plainly, sometimes it feels that my friends have a vendetta against me. For example, when my sister first showed me Before Sunrise, I adored it, I loved it. My sister usually knows what I like, although I loathe to admit it. And there was something in me that wanted me to share it with my friends, but I retrained myself because I knew, that from my past experience, my friends would hate it. HATE IT. And they would criticise it terribly. But then Sue saw Before Sunset and she really liked it and I was glad, although Sue would be my closest guess and I would have probably told her about it eventually. Anyway, we watched it at Carman's and like I prophesised, everyone sat around criticising it for an hour and I almost murdered all of them. It means so much to me and they just wouldn't let up. UGH.

I hate my friends sometimes. They just manage to criticise everything I love and make me out to be some tacky two bit whore. And yeah, fuck yeah, it hurts.

~

There, that wasn't about daily life. And certainly wasn't censured. Fuck yeah.

~ M.M.W ~
Schnugged at 23:24 |