Current Mood: Bitchy
Current Music: Madman - Charlotte Martin

There's something about nightime, when there's complete silence and all your feelings, all your memories just come push up to the surface of your being. And suddenly you can't breathe and see at the same time. And you're just engulfed.

~

I think I'm running out of crap to discuss. That, or I really have nothing to talk about and exam stress is draining all my creativitiy. Last night I stared at a blank page for an hour and could not write a word. Talk about writer's block. I could talk about what happened last night ( I went to Chadstone and didn't study), I could even tell you what I bought (awesome flosam boots!) but I guess, that's not what I really want this journal to be about and I find thats what I do constantly. And its tiring.

I want to ramble and rant and organise my life into cohesive thoughts. I want to be able to express my self fully without fear of censure. I guess that's why I discuss my real life here because only people who I know online read it. R-L people are just too...real. I have a great fear that I couldn't face them after they read about me.

I'm not a terrible person but I don't enjoy having people know things about me that I find terribly personal or embarassing or just...me. I am me. I love the things I love because I do. I don't care how stupid or silly they are. They're part of me and who I am. I am not going to love some pretentious book because other critics think it is good and I should read it because its so well written. I'd rather stick to my romance books then read one Kafka short story (I tried 'Metamorphisis'! Ugh!).

I find lately that I censure myself a great deal when making friends. I think Claire was getting a little antsy when she spent an hour ranting and then asked me about how my life was going and I gave her a two sentence answer. I mean I could tell her everything, how shit I feel all the time, how problematic my friendships are becominge etc but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

To put it plainly, sometimes it feels that my friends have a vendetta against me. For example, when my sister first showed me Before Sunrise, I adored it, I loved it. My sister usually knows what I like, although I loathe to admit it. And there was something in me that wanted me to share it with my friends, but I retrained myself because I knew, that from my past experience, my friends would hate it. HATE IT. And they would criticise it terribly. But then Sue saw Before Sunset and she really liked it and I was glad, although Sue would be my closest guess and I would have probably told her about it eventually. Anyway, we watched it at Carman's and like I prophesised, everyone sat around criticising it for an hour and I almost murdered all of them. It means so much to me and they just wouldn't let up. UGH.

I hate my friends sometimes. They just manage to criticise everything I love and make me out to be some tacky two bit whore. And yeah, fuck yeah, it hurts.

~

There, that wasn't about daily life. And certainly wasn't censured. Fuck yeah.

~ M.M.W ~
Schnugged at 23:24 |