Current Mood: Faint Hearted
Music: Myself, NOT STUDYING.

I was so...motivated last week and now with the prospect of ACCOUNTING, I can't bare it. Which just goes to show how much I don't want this. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be doing this. And every person I meet lectures me about not following my dreams and not doing what I want to do with my life and only doing what I think I should be doing.

But the thing is, even if I do follow my dreams, I'll be disabling myself anyway because I am a serial self-doubter. I am in no doubt that I am certainly not good enough for anyone and anything and you know what! It's true. I have absolutely no self-restraint.

Its been SEVEN YEARS, Melissa. FUCKING LOOSE THE WEIGHT ALL READY. I'm good for a day...maybe two and perhaps, although very seldom, three and then BAM. Late night binge! I buy five burgers. I buy the fattiest chocolate cake/ice cream and we're down that road again.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I stop? Why can't I start?

Its the same thing with study. In times of dire need, when I do HAVE to study, I don't. I'm pathetic. I'll put it off even though the stress is amounting in the back of my head and I'm fiercely clawing away at my insides. But instead I do things that offer a quick effusion of happiness in my insides like chatting with my online friends or making a blog entry or lasciviously drooling over the 2005 Lacroix couture collection (who wouldn't?). But I know, I know all I'm doing is killing myself in the long-run.

Why am I so stupid? I'm well aware of it but I still don't do anything about it.

Only human beings can be so mindlessly fucked up. I'm well aware of my problems, I'm well aware of what they're doing to me and yet I do nothing. I could be held accountable in Australian Law. I have retained knowledge but I did not act, I am offended myself, and everyone else by ommitting what I really should do.

Even now as I write this, I'm NOT studying. I'm being a stupid asshole.

Okay. Back to mindlessly staring at pages scribbled in accounting notes and actually doing some questions for once. I mean, that's why I came to uni today, not for finance (which I won't understand anyway) but because I NEED TO PUT MYSELF IN A SITUATION where I have to study.

I have to get through this semester. I have to just pass. Please. Please. Please. Someone give me strength.

~ M.M.W ~
Schnugged at 09:08 |

F A S H I O N P O S T

I want these shoes. Look at them. I can't stop. OMGzzzz. So sparkly and just fucking right. Not too high a heel. Oh Lacroix, I love you.

Too bad, they're...soooooooooo....last year.
Schnugged at 00:05 |

Current Mood: Scared
Music: Let Go - Charlotte Martin


I am listening to that song on non-stop repeat. There is something definitely wrong with me. Also to Breath by Sia. Everyone should download them.

~
Facebook has scared the SHIT out of me.

You know, well you would if had old friends who you know you'll never see again, how sometimes you dream about what everyone you used to know would be doing now and how different (and maybe better) you would be if you had stayed with them. And then you start revisualising how they would look and how they would be and if they would stay in touch.

Well, apparently, EVERYONE I used to know is on Facebook. Harry's on there. Justine, my old best friend who looks a lot like Anna (the HAIR) is on there, my first unrequited love is on there (oh Thomas), JACOB is on there. Stephanie, the blonde popular girl of my school and one of my old friends is on there. Who else? Oh, Vivian Blom that stupid bitch. OMG, Tansu is on there. I feel so bad about what I did, I left England and took our report with us, the one we had worked on for so long. Steve is on there, my mutual friend through David, who lived about five houses down. We used to play Goldeneye on his playstation and he always let me play with the Big Heads cheat. Elizabeth also, she hated me writing about her and Jacob, HATED IT. Nikolai? Lol. See, we didn't have just the 'geek' table, we had the 'geek AND European' table. I wonder if Lawrence is on here? Ahhh, Carolyn Mingione? She was the girl who always reminded me of Jane from the Colin Firth version of P&P, they had the same face. Oh dear lord, Cristina? You stupid motherfucking bitch, I hate you. You made my childhood hell. I HATE HATE HATE YOU. You were my Cordelia to Elaine Risely, my tormentor, who's pains and resent tortured me. I FUCKING HATE YOU. Steph doesn't even compare.

And on that note, Alex Cochran is also on here. I only remember him as the boy who ran through the green halls of ACS screaming "I'm gay! I'm gay!"

Strangely enough, I miss it. I miss it like Year 8. When I was in it, I hated it, we fought all the time and I hated all of them. And then years on, all I wish was that I was back in the midst of it. Its like an allegory for a quest, or whatever.

(Damnit, Celia got into Harvard and Joachim got into Oxford? Oh big surprise.)

~

Now, i have to work out what I'm going to say when I reply to Harry. What do...what can I say to my biggest regret???


~ M.M.W ~

PS: I want this dress soooo bad. (Oh and I wouldn't mind looking like Vlada either.)


Schnugged at 16:38 |

Current Mood: Cool
Music: Talulah - Tori Amos

I think I have an affinity with words that start with L. Crazzzee, no?

There is something crazy, warm, addictively heartwarming about watching old Gilmore Girl episodes. I don't know what it exactly but part of me, I part I hate and despise and I stamp under my foot every morning before I get out of bed, wishes I was Rory 'Lorelia' Gilmore with the oh-so-perfect life and the oh-so-perfect mom living in Conneticut or wherever the hell they live, oh yeah, Star's Hollow. Man, answers come to me at weird moments. That does not bode well for the exam.

~

Weekend was very unclimactic. Mum had her little party thing and Karen invited people but I just could not be bothered, and I had work that night, from which Mum refused to pick me up because she would be 'cooking and entertaining' soooo I walked the two minute tram ride home (partly because I wasted by $2 on a cherry ripe, mmmm). Anyway, there is heaps of food left over (mum always makes wayyy too much) and now I am happily snorting down every availiable spring roll and tartlet I can find. Also, TIRAMISU. Omgz, I just die and go to heaven everytime I think of it. Mmmmhmmm.

Had dinner with Kate on Saturday night, although it wasn't really much of a dinner. I had finished work, she was taking her half hour dinner break but it was nice and chatty, not the usual oh-so-quick witty banter over our registers and the weird faces we make at each other when a) we're bored or b) we're bored and time is going oh-so-slowly. I did not have a great day on Saturday otherwise, my register ran out of change at 4 and I didn't get any extra change till 6:45, eve though I was leaving in less than an hour. This was partly due to the fact it was so busy, my supervisors were crazy annoyed and because apparently, I didn't SEND a change slip up WHICH I KNOW I DID, you stupid bitches. How do I know? Well for one, I told my supervisor AND HANDED him the stupid change reciept slip I had accidentally forgotten to send up AFTER I did and he told me not to worry about it. I also did it straight after I finished my next customer and I also got my paper shoot back, knowing that I had sent it up. ARGH. Tristan kept staring at me with that 'uhuh...yeah you didn't' look that I almost slapped him.

Thank GOD I had just done all my reading on assault. I would be in a lot of hot water if I had also hit that woman who yelled at me for not having change. Like its my bloody fault you stupid whore.

Sorry. I have a lot of unprecedented rage. Eating helps.

~

Ah, those irrevocable shifts in relationships. They're placed out with such ease on the media, between girls and guys, guys and guys (ok, not so much) and girls and girls. I think between girl friends it truly is the most remarkable, its so subtle and shiftless, and to me, always overly-analytical (its in my blood...or my brain tumor), I've always felt it. Even with long periods of absences, its there. I know its there, moving and shifting, depending completely on a person's maturation and how self-independent they are, how much they've changed and what has changed about them.

Its true, I've never felt on level footing with my friends and yes, there are advantages/disadvantages to that. With smart friends, as I have, you'd think that without the equality, without the normal standards you see with everday relationships, I would in fact have very successful friends (this is true) that I can brag about and who will help me when push comes to shove, mainly academic wise. In actual fact, this has not happened. With the belief and silly sentiment that we are all in fact 'actually smart' there is more a leaning towards the self-independent, you 'don't need my help, you're smart enough'. Or perhaps its the way everyone distances each other from me, I don't know. I can't explain it. I'm not smart enough, expressive enough. I was born to write silly chic lit and romance novellas, not deeply, highly philosophical works. I'm no Kafka. I'm more of a Sykes, but a much less sucessful, viewing what I write from afar and wishing for it even further away.

Sometimes I wish I could trade in all my skills, all my smarts, even my passion for the silliest things just so I can be more normal, more social, more stupid, more ignorant to certain things so that I could be closer to being grounded in this earth. I would give up everything for that. I just want to be normal. I don't want another constant worry in my life to be my friends. I want to KNOW that they'll be there for me, to surprise me and call me and make me happy when I'm sad. I don't want to feel desperately lonely and feel that I can't call them and talk because hey, its after 10 and they're all in bed and working. I DON'T WANT TO PUT ALL THE EFFORT INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP when they do nothing.

Perhaps its too late. And I think it is. I've been trying SO HARD for the past six years to establishing some sort of friendship, that I haven't noticed how one-sided it all is. I've written stories FOR THEM. I've CALLED THEM. I've set up parties and planned big bashes FOR THEM. What the fuck have they done for me? Helped me with a math problem or two? Its weird to think of them like this, but at times, and perhaps sometimes constantly, they've felt like subtle, manipulative bullies that only girls can be. Something of a Cat's Eye type description. They've become so used to how easy I am that they've just...let it go by and accepted it.

Is it bad to want new friends? To want something else? I wished I could have clicked at Uni with someone. I used to dream that I would and then I could leave them behind because I hated them all so much. I know its sad and pathetic, but this passing birthday, nothing showed up on the LJ Community, NOTHING. Every birthday that's been past, I've posted a birthday picture that I've especially made and birthday wishes. For everyone! And then mine passes and there's not so much as a post wishing me happy birthday. What the fuck is that about?

You know what, I'm not even angry or ashamed of what I'm feeling. Its perfectly natural to want a friendship to be equal. I have always wanted and have felt I am the best friend that I could be. They are supposed to be my closest friends, and I have always made the extra special effort of making them aware of that i.e. the Yearbook, the presents that ACTUALLY MEAN SOMETHING, the birthday reminders, the cards with special messages, the calls that actually don't have a 'purpose' and are just to talk.

Oh for fuck's sake, WHY CAN'T THEY BE GOOD FRIENDS? WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO FEEL LIKE A NEEDY CHILD?

I'm just stuck in this rut. Stuck in it deep. And I can't get out. Its like quicksand. I don't want to give them up because then I'll have nothing. But I want to give them up because I'm sick and tired of this bull shit.

I wish I were strong enough to do it. But then if I were, I wouldn't be in this mess.

What women do to each other is beyond description. No Chinese torture comes close.
Tori Amos

~

Hmmm...deep confessions, no? *sigh* Back to exam study.

~ M.M.W ~
Schnugged at 10:32 |

My sister and mother are in a fight. I wasn't there. Wasn't even in the same room. Was actually in the shower, hearing the shrill cries through the f-ing tile. I got so pissed that I started lipsyncing to it.

In other news...

I finished my assignment in less than three hours. Who rocks the kasbah? I think I do.

I also and finally watched Room With A View which ended up surprising me because it wasn't as tragic or romantic as I thought. It was kinda...comedic. Almost Shakespeare comedic, but in that tragedy sort of way. You know? Like how Shakespeare's biggest mockery of love was his 'ugly' sonnet and Romeo and Juliet. He reminds me of those old senile women or men who tsk everytime they seem some 'young people' (these being thirty year olds) walking together, having babies, not getting married, not being of different sexes etc etc.

Well ahem. That was digression of a big giant tangent bus.

Hahaha. My internet is hating LJ. WHY IS THIS?

Woe.
Schnugged at 12:34 |