Current Mood: Faint Hearted
Music: Myself, NOT STUDYING.

I was so...motivated last week and now with the prospect of ACCOUNTING, I can't bare it. Which just goes to show how much I don't want this. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be doing this. And every person I meet lectures me about not following my dreams and not doing what I want to do with my life and only doing what I think I should be doing.

But the thing is, even if I do follow my dreams, I'll be disabling myself anyway because I am a serial self-doubter. I am in no doubt that I am certainly not good enough for anyone and anything and you know what! It's true. I have absolutely no self-restraint.

Its been SEVEN YEARS, Melissa. FUCKING LOOSE THE WEIGHT ALL READY. I'm good for a day...maybe two and perhaps, although very seldom, three and then BAM. Late night binge! I buy five burgers. I buy the fattiest chocolate cake/ice cream and we're down that road again.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I stop? Why can't I start?

Its the same thing with study. In times of dire need, when I do HAVE to study, I don't. I'm pathetic. I'll put it off even though the stress is amounting in the back of my head and I'm fiercely clawing away at my insides. But instead I do things that offer a quick effusion of happiness in my insides like chatting with my online friends or making a blog entry or lasciviously drooling over the 2005 Lacroix couture collection (who wouldn't?). But I know, I know all I'm doing is killing myself in the long-run.

Why am I so stupid? I'm well aware of it but I still don't do anything about it.

Only human beings can be so mindlessly fucked up. I'm well aware of my problems, I'm well aware of what they're doing to me and yet I do nothing. I could be held accountable in Australian Law. I have retained knowledge but I did not act, I am offended myself, and everyone else by ommitting what I really should do.

Even now as I write this, I'm NOT studying. I'm being a stupid asshole.

Okay. Back to mindlessly staring at pages scribbled in accounting notes and actually doing some questions for once. I mean, that's why I came to uni today, not for finance (which I won't understand anyway) but because I NEED TO PUT MYSELF IN A SITUATION where I have to study.

I have to get through this semester. I have to just pass. Please. Please. Please. Someone give me strength.

~ M.M.W ~
Schnugged at 09:08 |