Sunday, July 30
This is looking to be an excellent term.
I have someone I know in each and everyone one of my classes, although finding them before/during the lecture is always very hard. So yes, things are looking up.
On the other hand, I've been in a such a depressive mode lately that I can't even bothered going and doing fun things. And life at home is very much the bore, so much so, I can't bear doing any work or even like controlling my diet or practicing practical things. Or even really wanting to work. Although work, when its with the right people, is very fun.
~
So what is there to talk about? I guess I could labour on about my friends. How I hate them. How I love them. How I need them. How I can't bear them. Its the classic tug-of-war but who doesn't have that? Sure, mine dips to a very dark and emotional level, probably one that is going to pursue me for the rest of my life or at least until I most likely will forget. How I wish it was different all of it. Everyday, the one consistent thing I do besides breathe is dream of how different everything could be.
I could be a poverty-stricken Ethiopian child on the verge of death. Or I could be a pouting socialite awaiting my ticket to B-star fame. But no, I'm a 19 year old, with vague hopes and dreams and no motivation for the future.
I heard myself in the interview. Self motivated, efficient, adaptable, flexible. What a LOAD of baloney. I'm none of those things, I'm barely alive. There have been many a time I'd wish I had been dead.
Its not that I don't deserve BETTER. Its just, and take this with all its triteness and lots of salt, I don't deserve this. I really don't. I'm not a horrific person. I'm not a total drudge. I have morals and beliefs, I do believe in the good of humanity although it tends to constantly fail me, and hey, I don't have high expectations but who doesn't have some sort of level? So why this? Why this crap body? Why this stupid mind? Why am I surrounded constantly by people who are intolerant of me and I am intolerant of? In all questions, of which I believe the ultimate, truly, why me?
CAN'T IT JUST FOR ONE FUCKING MOMENT BE EASIER. I don't want to have to grind my teeth everyday just to be able to breathe. I NEED a breather. I want days of respite. I don't want to ruin everything I have now. I...can't bear it. I really can't. And everyday my soul sours just a bit more. Whoever is keeping me here, is just keeping me here for their own sadistic pleasure.
Somehow, I'm sure its a sin to be selfish, to envious. But I don't care. There is no balance. There is no heaven and hell. There is only the luck of the draw. The snake eyes. The ticker and tock. There are no barriers. There is no greater truth. There is no karma. There is NOTHING out there.
And we know it...don't we?
Why else would it be like this?
~
Okay. Maybe not so bad. But my problems are so complex and so difficult and so deep. They are infinite, forever building. They will never stop. They will never be as simple as finding a library book again.
Make it 6th grade. And so that would be...um...8 years. And now he's hot and in a rock band. And I'm ugly and fat and studying something and some crap university. Life sucks.
Well that was hefty.
~ M.M.W ~
~ M.M.W ~
Tuesday, July 25
Crap. I just realised I missed my third anniversary. Pooh. Then again, I'm not posting much anymore. Well at least not like I used to. Back in the days when I had no life (and sometimes believe that no life is better than one at all), I used to post twice or three times in a day.
Now. I'm glad if I post once or twice in a month.
That's not to say that I have a life now or that I'm some supersecretspy engaging in lots of foreign espionage. Lol. No. It may be the fact that I don't have much time for it anymore or that I've usually trying to conserve energy and I just don't have enough to sit here, cry, hide it from my sister, unbury secrets from the very pits of my soul (while exploding with many OMGAWDS)and then end on a cheery note. It may also be because, yeah, I do have somewhat of a life now. Things are strangely looking up.
Oh shut up, A'mes. If you say B I'm going to hit you.
So yeah. IDK. Its my fault, I know. I've been neglecting her. Yeah her. Something like a heroine. Sometimes my closest friend. I disclose all my secrets and there's no judgement, no purse of the lips, no serious analysations, no self-deprectation, no interruptions. Just blissful silence.
Then again, I do have A'mes. Who I have never met. Who I plan never to meet. Because we just work, as faceless entities who know each other's souls. Sometimes I think this is what God/s is/are like, there's nothing to judge, nothing characteristic, just a voice, echoing in some fog back and forward to one another. Communicating everything that goes on in their worlds. And there are no facades, just a blurriness. That's why I think Ames and I work. We just do. I adore her. I really do. But we've agreed that we'll never meet but still be there for one another. And yet, as I know she'll read this, I still want something real, something tangible, something that I can hug and kiss and feel. Because part of life itself is human contact, its a metaphysical thing as much as it really is a physical thing.
Oh and A'mes, if you make any sort of sordid, randy joke out of that last line (as you know I would do), I'll come after you with my pointy JASC ddtp Brush, you silly bitch.
~
~ M.M.W ~
Monday, July 17
So yeah, in lieu of my last post, a whole slew of things have happened, one and which most importantly, may I add, has sated my sudden boy-hungry lust. I blame it on Mousse T's Horny. That reminds me, I really do enjoy Shakira's new song 'Hips Don't Lie'. It actually manages to sound interesting especially in comparison to its other rivals in the stream of unconcious people listening to main stream pop.
~
So B and I, right? I was going to explain. So quite literally, in a mash of being thrown together in vicarious situations (okay, so still Safeway and now more frequently, Monash), I have no idea where I am right now. Oh no, I mean with him not like where I am right now. I'm actually sitting here, in my dad's study, praying I get enough sleep. I mean, its like all flirty and charming at Safeway but at Monash it was more, 'Um...you study Law?'. *facepalm* I just cannae understand it, Spock.
Ames: I CANNOT believe you now have a class with him. OMAEGODS YOUR DESTINED!
Me: Dear god, Ames, please don't.
Ames: DESTINY! D_E_S_T_I_N_E_D
Me: Not about that. Your SPELLINGZ! My eyes...
So anyway, I'm still deciding whether I like him or not. I do like him but he seems...more...realistic now. Yet still he manages to be WAY TOO GOOD for me and definitely out of my league. He's too...nice. A few things about him by the way:
- He's NOT younger than me. We're the same age. Graduated at the same age too. He took a year off, that's why he's a first year.
- He attended Trinity. (So he's a private schooled boy?)
- He lives LITERALLY less than three minutes away from my house.
- He liked Anamorphs. (That fact I found out thanks to Sue's suggestion I try a google search.)
- He got over 99 on his VCE. (Also part of that google search. He was 1 of the 11 at Trinity who got above 99. One of the other ones was Tristan, another of my supervisors, what the?)
- He's REALLY REALLY smart.
- He has nice handwriting.
So yeah. Enough about him. I'll post more when oh you know, something slightly more INTERESTING happens.
Ames: According to what you told me earlier about stalking, a google search could be classified as part of that.
Mel: Oh shut up, A'mes. Go back to your vodka.
Ames: *sipz drunkenlolly*
~
- I like my new Crim Lecturer. Sure she's not as good as Jon but she's pretty straightforward and I liked her top.
- Uni is still as intimidating as before. I scare easy though.
- Alice and I are getting on better. Why? I don't know. Maybe I've lost the fight.
- When on earth does Anna come back? Not that I care much because she couldn't be bothered to even post or notify any of us. But still, I'd like to know.
- Can't wait for Friday although that's a given. Good food. Good friends. Good...well movies.
- Sue is going to start cooing as SOON as I tell her about Crim and B.
- He has braces but I'm terrified to tell anyone. He's still adorably cute.
- No. I'm sorry guys, this post was not going to be boy-heavy. I made a promise. I intend to keep it.
- For as long as I can.
- This is said but...why the fuck isn't DV whateva[The Last Chapter] not yet out?
- Cassie. I'm really starting to hate you. You're a good writer and everything but over the past few years, I've disliked the way you treat your fans/commenters and the way you keep postponing things. You're getting as bad as Alex.
- In a few years, no one will remember you. Like no one remembers ALex.
- Also, your comments have decreased by about +400. Suck on that.
- Okay enough bitching.
- On that subject, Kate and I went out to dinner after work on Friday and had a LOVELY bitching session about all the supervisors. It was fun. I love Kate.
- I also like Katherine. She shares my love about movies except her love actually has depth. I really want to go to the festival with her.
- I hope Corey dies. In a freak clowning accident.
- I wouldn't mind Bec dying too.
- I LOUUUUURVE the Office. Rainn Wilson is funnyas.
- Ooooh, and the biggest news of all. I joined a GYM.
- A GIME you say? A GIME? *roflmao*
~
Night.
~ M.M.W ~
Tuesday, July 4
Back from Lorne. It was surprisingly dramatic given there were drunken crying rants (by me), dirty scrabble and hectic calls from home concerning my potential firing, so yeah, indeedidly alarming. Photos and discussion to follow.
~
I am going insane.
Yes, its from the stress of work but also because of a certain boy.
I don't know WHY because two days ago I wasn't even warily attracted to him, but then all it takes is a D&M over packing bags and waterbottles and suddenly I can't stop staring dreamily at him. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Ames: Its because its been your DREAM to be called MRS BUTLER for so lonnnnnnggggggg....
Mel: Yeah but not...oh shut up AMES.
I'm so tired and confused, I can't even come up with a good witty comeback. Not that I could but at least I would have tried and it would have come out nonsensical, yet still a half-wit. Hah. Pun not even intended nor noted.
Friday, we drove back from Lorne. It was a pleasant trip tho I became nauseated halfway and made Sue sit in the back. Dropped Sue off at Spencer Street Station leaving me (ohnoes) to navigate our way out of the city. Believe me, harder than it sounds. After I got home, I fell half-asleep till about 6, got ready (it takes an HOUR) and then went to work, heart in my feet. I was DREADING running into Corey or Beck (luckily I found out that both are on hols). Got there, everyone was normal and it was over-staffed so I got to (pretend) do stock for two hours. Then, someone at the service desk calls me over the P.A. and I was like 'FUCK', I hate going on the machines when there is peak hour traffic. Luckily enough, there was none and GothGIRL and Mr.Collins (okay, so I nickname everyone I don't know) were lazily talking to each other over the registers. I look to one of the blonde, overly make-uped girls on the express lanes and they're like (right now imagine trashy eyeshadow and bubble gum) 'Oh. Brynn wants you. He's on Register 14'. And I'm like 'Yay. Brynn. Oh wait...is it Brin? But Brin sounds too girly. Oh fuck.' So I go over to Reg.14 and he's counting as per usual and starts talking to me about his trip to Darwin. And I'm like 'Uhuhuhuhuhuh...so why exactly am I here...uhuhuhuhuhcooluhuuh'. I'm completely confused as to why he's called me over and like the stereotyped clued out nerd ask why. And he's like 'Oh, you've been doing stock for two hours, I thought you'd just want a break...'.
So here's where my overanalysation skills kick into overdrive. NEVER EVER has a supervisor ever called me over to 'talk' and yeah we're friends but we're not that good'a friends. AND OMG, does this mean something? But then, it probably doesn't and I'm being stupid. But what if it does? What if it means...oh, Mel, but you're so stupid and ugly. And then I realise I've been really quiet for way too long and start asking really superficial questions, like what he's doing next semester and I realise I know absolutely nothing about him besides that he does law, he lives near me, he works at the same Safeway and we both agree that our law lecturer is awesome. So yeah, my feelings for him are a little over-exagerrated and aren't really based on anything.
Anyway, we're just getting into an ACTUAL conversation (I told him about the work-holiday problem and he is suprisingly comforting) when Shirley interrupts and tells me to go do stuff, because well Shirley is like that and she scares me, just like Lena does because that woman is just scary. I'm surprised Tristan didn't run away from her today but then Tristan is Tristan, who actually warned me about Shirley and for weeks, before I actually identified Shirley, I was on constant watch for a giant female boar running to and fro between the night crew sniffing people out for sitting at their registers. Anyhoodle, I go do more stock, in particular Tim Tams for another hour or so and more people leave (blonde bimbos first, then Mr Collins then Gothgirl) until its just me, him, various customers and the Night Crew. Anyway, while I'm doing stock he just always manages to 'pass by me' and keep annoying me about taking my break (long-running joke, I think breaks are a waste of time during the night shift and he can't believe I believe that etc etc, I know I know its sad) when eventually I snap it at him, I forget exactly what I said but it had something to do with funny Tim Tams and he laughed and it was...well, a nice moment.
So I go on my break and come back and I want to go back to Tim Tams because suddenly I'm thinking about him in a totally irrational way and he calls me over to do the express lanes with him and for a moment, I freak. OMG. Two hours. With him. Alone. My god, I am a conversation-killer. What on EARTH are we going to talk about?
For a day that started out terrible (Sue and Cathy poking me to wake up at 7:30 AM) full of heart-break and dread and sickness, someone down there or up there must have been smiling on me because suddenly I am all light and funniness and I manage to wave a D&M somewhere between waterbottles, trash, counting registers and snarking. My mind is a complete blur as to what we talked about, but suddenly I can look at him, I mean it, actually look into his eyes. First we start out with where I'm from and he guesses it (I may have told him prior) and then where he's from (aha, this is where I find out BUTLER is his last name and a part of me almost dies right there, in that little spot and yes, I can't help asking if he has SCOTTISH origins). Then we get to what we've been doing etc and suddenly we're talking about life goals and what we want out of life really and he starts talking about his viewpoints on life and all things metaphysical and I start arguing and suddenly I find out that I love him. Dear god. Oh no. Please no. He's just...so...parfait. He's not OVERLY GOREGOUS but I find him completely irresistible in so many other ways, yet he is kind of good looking, and he is good in that cumbersome noble way. And OMG, I almost want to stretch each moment out till 12. Other moments I remember is making him laugh many times, including that of the stock boy who I still don't talk to (it was sometime during our argument and Brin was counter-arguing my point of view and I responded with 'well that sounded like a lot of bull-shit' and suddenly I hear this laugh behind me and its the stock boy doubling over). And then later, I made the REALLY REALLY hot but very yobbo night crew guy laugh (I think the joke was over all the people who kept asking me where I was from - accent and culture-mix). And then, it all came to a head with the last customer and omg, it was so perfect. I can't explain it, everytime I think back on it, it was like a scene out of a movie. I get the same smile from that memory as I do from that moment in Coupling where Patrick tells Sally, "I WAS TALKING ABOUT...ME". That's how good it was.
Oh and then he put on his pullover and told me he loved walking. And then offered to walk me to my car. AND I FREAKING ALMOST DIED. Because I just realised he has a really really nice body and he was doing the whole KNIGHT thing (because apparently some customer came by to pick up his left bag and was asking about me). Sadly enough I had to decline because my mom was waiting outside and I don't think I could brave THAT embarassment. But ooooooooh, I SOOO just want to walk home with him in the dark. And not just because I like him, but because I like TALKING to him. And that m darling is so completely separate from my liking him but is still so mixed up with the reason I find him so adore-worthy.
Dear god, I sound exactly the same when I was writing my diary entries about TOM seven years ago. That part in Chamber of Secrets still scares me. I told myself I was never going to obsess about anyone like that again and yeah, I'm totally over-blowing this but I can't help it. I just really like him and something here must mean more that absolutely nothing. It must. Either that or I really have gone insane.
Ames: Mel, you've just written an essay on about two hours worth of conversation, most of which had you 'dying'. I think you're above and beyond insanity now.
Mel: But AMES, I can't help it. There's a guy I'm REMOTELY attracted to, and he's paying me ATTENTION. I can't help it.
Did I mention that we did the glance-exchange? I looked up and saw him at work today and then he looked at me. And then I glanced up later and saw him looking at me, although I was loathe to say that I glanced away. And now that I'm quite aware of this over-budding obsession, I can't TALK TO HIM properly. Yeah, ready for it. FUCK.
~ M.M.W ~
