Sunday, July 30
This is looking to be an excellent term.
I have someone I know in each and everyone one of my classes, although finding them before/during the lecture is always very hard. So yes, things are looking up.
On the other hand, I've been in a such a depressive mode lately that I can't even bothered going and doing fun things. And life at home is very much the bore, so much so, I can't bear doing any work or even like controlling my diet or practicing practical things. Or even really wanting to work. Although work, when its with the right people, is very fun.
~
So what is there to talk about? I guess I could labour on about my friends. How I hate them. How I love them. How I need them. How I can't bear them. Its the classic tug-of-war but who doesn't have that? Sure, mine dips to a very dark and emotional level, probably one that is going to pursue me for the rest of my life or at least until I most likely will forget. How I wish it was different all of it. Everyday, the one consistent thing I do besides breathe is dream of how different everything could be.
I could be a poverty-stricken Ethiopian child on the verge of death. Or I could be a pouting socialite awaiting my ticket to B-star fame. But no, I'm a 19 year old, with vague hopes and dreams and no motivation for the future.
I heard myself in the interview. Self motivated, efficient, adaptable, flexible. What a LOAD of baloney. I'm none of those things, I'm barely alive. There have been many a time I'd wish I had been dead.
Its not that I don't deserve BETTER. Its just, and take this with all its triteness and lots of salt, I don't deserve this. I really don't. I'm not a horrific person. I'm not a total drudge. I have morals and beliefs, I do believe in the good of humanity although it tends to constantly fail me, and hey, I don't have high expectations but who doesn't have some sort of level? So why this? Why this crap body? Why this stupid mind? Why am I surrounded constantly by people who are intolerant of me and I am intolerant of? In all questions, of which I believe the ultimate, truly, why me?
CAN'T IT JUST FOR ONE FUCKING MOMENT BE EASIER. I don't want to have to grind my teeth everyday just to be able to breathe. I NEED a breather. I want days of respite. I don't want to ruin everything I have now. I...can't bear it. I really can't. And everyday my soul sours just a bit more. Whoever is keeping me here, is just keeping me here for their own sadistic pleasure.
Somehow, I'm sure its a sin to be selfish, to envious. But I don't care. There is no balance. There is no heaven and hell. There is only the luck of the draw. The snake eyes. The ticker and tock. There are no barriers. There is no greater truth. There is no karma. There is NOTHING out there.
And we know it...don't we?
Why else would it be like this?
~
Okay. Maybe not so bad. But my problems are so complex and so difficult and so deep. They are infinite, forever building. They will never stop. They will never be as simple as finding a library book again.
Make it 6th grade. And so that would be...um...8 years. And now he's hot and in a rock band. And I'm ugly and fat and studying something and some crap university. Life sucks.
Well that was hefty.
~ M.M.W ~
~ M.M.W ~
