The first post of September.

In cheering up Sue and researching prices for Thailand I find myself, once again, stuck in a rut. It is a most self-realised rut, from which I have not gained passage from for almost seven years. It's the same - holy crap, Sue just blocked me or whatever you want to call it. Oh, for fuck's sake. That wasn't even a really bad rant either. I think mostly the fact that I've inflicted upon myself so much self introversion and pain is because I can't figure out a way of this stupid mess. I'm so burdened down by everything. I made games, I rang people, I've worked hard at my friendship and year after year after year, it's the same irrevocable resentment. It's the little things Alice says, or the treasured memories, or the way I'm treated as a stupid dumb person who always says stupid dumb indecent things because by far, that's the only role I've played.
At times, I've felt left out and very displeased with myself. No one ever compliments me, evidenced by the fact that when someone inadvertently does I have no idea how to react to it. I want to show my gratitude but I stand there stunned like a fox. It's strange. I've never felt beautiful in my entire life and I'm surrounded, perhaps in a most subversive way, by people who have never confirmed or acknowledged the fact.
I've had breakdowns, tantrums in the past because of this resentment which keeps building. There's no appreciation, no love or care or any showing of it. I've organised sleepovers, birthday parties, yearbooks. I've MADE an effort to be a friend and I get abused, neglected, annoyed.
It's the same rant year after year after year. All I want to do is cancel this damn dinner and go cry in my room. That's how I felt at the ball. Watching those people. So together, so happy, so excited. I felt like a fat ugly turd. No, literally. I am never going to be a part of any of that. I am never going to have the 'guy friends' and go to Bali and wear a skimpy bikini and have my first kiss at 16 and gossip with my friends about it. YEAH. That's what I wanted to do and it never happened. Instead I ended up like a orgre trapped in a marsh swamp. I am never going to be able to go to a party or a ball and feel 'normal'. I'm always going to be self concious of what I wear and my hair and my skin and my hair, oh yes, those little problems, which btw, are never going to go away.
I will always feel ethnically diverse and rather stupid. Everyone is so smart and determined and sensical and I just feel...naieve and old at the same time.
I can't 'converse' with people. I'm too nervous to say anything and when I do, it comes out stupid when I explain it....I can't keep on about this. I have to either change it or let it go...

~

I want a summer away from all this crap. To be with me in my own time. To think and find myself and be happy. I want my summer in Paris.
Schnugged at 23:37 |